Two weeks ago, on Saturday night I went to a Club. I had fun. Something was strange, maybe a bit irrational, stupid, but fun. I'd really like to go to a Club on Christmas. I think it would be quite interesting, something new... Why? I'll tell you.

Every year it's the same. Every Christmas Eve my "family" (I'm included) dines next to a holiday table. If everything is "fine", we (my mom, me + the dog) last for more than half the evening. If just "something" is wrong, then we bear it for less than half the evening. If something already is wrong, we can stay for a quarter of the evening. It can also be something wrong before we even get there. I personally would just stay away. But no. We still go there, because "It's a Family Fest". And it makes me sick. WHAT FUCKING FAMILY!!!!!! WE DON'T HAVE A FAMILY!!!! So, HOW CAN WE CELEBRATE A FAMILY FEST??!!!! We can't. You know, it just came to me - we never celebrated it. We just pretend to do it. You can't celebrate a family holiday without a family. You can only pretend, you do it. And you know what - I'm not going to do the same shit this year. I can handle Christmas, but Not Christmas Eve.

Last night my mom said something so strange, so paintful, and yet - so truthful. I believe it was something like this: "In fact, come to think of it, what kind of person human becomes, depends on his family, because he sees how people act with each other most of the time, and all that passes on to that person". I had only one thought - "O M G"...

When I got to bed I almost started crying, I started asking myself am I insane? Am I that cold? Am I that .... Just that not normal..?...

Guess I am. Why? - Because My WHOLE eFin family is NOT NORMAL !


I'm such a weakling... I see a guy with a sportish figure, black hair, and if the voice is ...... + if he can fight (now I'm basicly talking about actors.... like I said - I'm such a weakling) - melting. Simply melting... I lost the count of how many times I've already said this, but I'm still going to say this again - as much as I hate admiting that I want a boyfriend, I still want him..... Or a friend who is a guy at least...... I don't know, someone I could talk to with out hearing charges or how stupid something I've done is or what's the problem...... Think I only need a shoulder to cry on... So simple. So little. And yet I don't can't never will have this luxury...

Is it possible that I saw an UFO ?
Yes.
Believable?
Hardly.

It was like a star or a plane, only it was glowing in red and green and it wasn't moving.

All I want for Christmas is a Talker.
Thank you!
xoxo T.

'Picture of the Moon was made for me and you
To enjoy our Love Tonight
But you traided me for a moment of Sin
And now I cry at Night like a Wolf
Out of Pain You gave me That Night'

People often asks me: 'what I like to do' for profession that is. And the more they ask me that, the more and more I answer pretty much the same: 'don't know'. And It's true. I really don't now What I Like To Be in Life... I only know what I Would Like to be and do in life, but I do know some things are impossible to do, because there is one little problem - MONEY, CASH, THE GREENS.... But despite this fact, an idea came to my while reading Bryan Tracy 'Million Dollar Habits' - the next time someone asks me what I like to do in life my answer will be simple: 'Travel the world, see places, meet people, learn how to fight, understand other countries culture, dishes, clothing, philosophy, their living habits, how they understand things, what is meaning of living to them, just talk to them about how they feel.' - all that's left to do is not to forget this ;D
Because seriously I mean, what can I do? I can't think of any profession I could actually reach for, or at least pick one from the few 'I fit for' because they're not the ones I prefer... Be stuck into a university for another minimum ten years - I don't think so... Never I've tried to get 'public acceptance' in life, because it's not something I want, it's always been better for me to be something in my friends eyes than in whole's school's or city's even country's. I don't have what it takes to Be Somebody Big.. Well as in celebraty or any other famous person... I rather Be Somebody here where I am, for this moment I'm living. I mean - I would like to Be Somebody for those who are around me, in many small ways and not trying to kill myself over something I can't do. 'We make our own Destiny' - many times I've heard this and not less I've said that myself. But the past few years I don't think like that any more... Something happened, something is happening and something will happen. Something that's not in my power... So to speak...

In that book I 'menchined' earlier, the Writer is saying about that, how our thoughts control us. What we think is who we are. It's not what we think we are, but we are how we think, you follow? Every single action we make is the consequence of what we're thinking. So 'We make our own Destiny' perfectly fits here. It's not others blame of our failure or mistakes we make it's all us. That's what the writer says.

Me? I've always blamed me for everything what happens. Even then, when it's not my fault... I never snitch, I just take the blame to myself, but when it comes to credit, I never say I deserve more then others. Actually I feel bad when I get more than others in my team, group and ect. ....

Guess that's all for now...

Later ;]

It's incredible how low can I get...
Time to time I have thougths, many of 'em. But I forget them at the same speed they come to me... Or better yet - at the wrong place at the wrong time... So what's left for me to do? Just say to myself - I'll remember it later. Translation - I'll just forget it.
What am I going to do?...
I was seriously considering carrying a Notebook with me in one hand, everywhere I go. Why does this sound so familiar? Maybe I already wrote something like this days back?... See what I'm talking about? I can't remember what I wrote already.... I'm seriously demented...

I'm freakin' scared. Of what? Everything - boys, people, love, hate, death, life, changes, school, graduating, something new, exciting, sad, lone, attention....

Week ago, last Thursday, my class and me went on an excursion. It was quite boring. But on the way home, the boys started singing songs in the bus about me... At first I thought I was quite fun and didn't think it'll take long. But it did. Even too long.. It lasted for the whole 30 minutes till I got off of the bus... It hurted me in a way I can't say. But never, have I felt so I don't know.... Likeable maybe... But ether way it was too much for me... I didn't go to school on Friday. I stayed in bed all day, almost the whole weekend... They were one of the reasons, but the real deal was in me and my mothres talk afterwards. Once I got off the bus I ran to my mom's car through the rain and once I've opend the doors I just said: 'Shoot me!'. My mom didn't reacted well to this and so it began...
'What the hell your talking?!!!' she said. 'Why do I need to shoot you? Are you insain?'
'The Boys sang songs about me in the bus all the way home...' I answerd.
'So?. I can't see what's the problem?'
'Well I CAN !' I shrieked.
'Don't talk to me like that !' she yelled. And there we go.. She hates me the way I am. And I can't stand how she doesn't want me just the way I am... It's .... It's making me sad. Just sad... I start to cry everytime we get to this point. And I did then. Aaaand then it went just perfect. For almost good two hours we were sitting in the car while it rained outside and had a very long talk about me her and us... My mother made a point that I'm a Psycho. Nice. My own mom. How was I suppose to feel after that? Do I need medication? Yes and No. Everybody says Yes, because this is the only way for them. I say No, 'cause I know I don't need that. Even my sister offered me to go and see a psychiatrist.... Nice. Seriously. Am I the only one that thinks that the only thing I need is just a friend I could talk to. Yes I know I have some friends, I can talk to. And Yes I know a psychiatrist could be "a friend" to talk to. But I can't speak to any of my friends, because I moved away, calling is expensive, and by the time I'll get there I don't know how I feel about myself...I need someone closer so I could just talk anytime I'd like to.... It's getting old and boring talking to myself, crying and being by myself most of the time. But Yes, since I'm a Psycho, I can't do anything about it...

Last week on Friday night I saw 'The Kickboxer 2 : The Road Back' and I loved it so much... I mean, I... Now I can't get the Kickboxing out of my mind. I always loved Martial Arts and Fights and I always wanted to learn it myself, but as you already know I never do anything I'd like to, alone, so I never learned. Since yesterday's evening I've been think why I like all those Fights so much. I'm still thinking... And I think I would say : 'I love the power of confidence in what you are doing and Fights are that something I can say you are most confident and consentrated in yourself, because you need to control all of your body and mind as well at the same time. When you learn how to fight, fight good, you don't need to think about what move, strike, kick or block to do, you just do it. It takes a lot of time, patients, energy, and hard work to achieve this, but I think it pays off just like any other activity...' - That's what I'd say if anyone asked me...

How's it possible to hate, despise your own Family so much? Simple. "Get It Before It Gets You".....


I got too lazy. Please Forgive me...
Promise I'll try to make it better...

If you could see The Moon now..
It's so tempting me to howl....

I know I'm objecting myself but, what can I say - at least it keeps me busy... - I wish I could share this feeling with somebody next beside me... Would be funny seeing the looks of him when I start to howl ... What would anyone say then?...

Guess it just going to stay that way... You all know it's not happening...



xoxo Y.G.

I must be crazy...

What's the difference between falling inlove and to love?
Easy - falling inlove is much easier and less lasting. But to love someone, is quite more difficult and takes more time.

"People do crazy things when they're inlove" - true.

Psychologist says - admiration for somebody can last till eight months. The Object will be everything you'll think, see, feel, and hear... For eight months you won't know anything else except that The Object is everything to you. In the 9th month it will strat to fade untill you're thinking clearly again. After that there's a bigger chance, that the person will snap out of it and forget about The Object, wich probably be a good thing.

Now I understand what was going on back then, when I was still talking with somebody...

And Now I know what might be going on.
And like times before it will pass till summer...

It's the way how it goes with me. Everytime it's the same...

So why am I scared?

Everything's better than ever. Maybe it's just too good to be true?... Could be. But I don't know. I never do... So far - so good. But still there's something not right... Guys are kinda good to me - that's stranger than strange to me, 'cuz I'm not use to it... Addults are saying good things about me - that's also new for me... Maybe I'm just scared of the fact, that people can tread me better than I'm use to or it's just all in my head. That wouldn't be a surprise...

Sweet Blue Sky - what's wrong with me?...

Don't tell me THAT'S happening again... No... Anything but THAT... Well if this is it, it's a good thing it passes fast... It did one, 5, nine, TEN times before and it will again ! That's what always happens, this time ain't no different. Oh, and since everything goes bad for me, I don't have what to worry about anyway... Greeeeaaaat #sarcasm#.....

One more thing - why do I have the feeling, that some guys like me? Personaly I don't mind, that they don't tease me, well much... But they don't have to make it look like this... It's confusing me...
Sometimes it looks like he doesn't know I'm there and next time when I get his look - it's kinda weird, sames, that he's even been waiting...
Sometimes it sames that the other one just can't look anywhere else just... Seems that I'm everything he sees.. Next - one day "we're ok", other - I'm the laughing-stock... Or how do you like this - absolutely no intrest for almost two months and suddenly somebody says something to me.... Or even better - since the start giving me attention...
I'm seriously not cool with this... How am I suppose to know anything?....

Lets just hope I'm imaging everything as always and forget everything I wrote here...


Thank You and Good Night !
Dulces suaños...

xoxo YourGirl

00:00 - Wish It Could Freeze That Way ;]

Sometimes you feel down.
Sometimes you feel great.
Sometimes you feel sad.
Sometimes you feel happy.
Sometimes you feel stranger.
Sometimes you feel crazy.
Sometimes you feel stupid.
Sometimes you feel crushed.
Sometimes you feel hate.
Sometimes you feel 'lone.
Sometimes you feel fun.
Sometimes you feel lost.
Sometimes you feel angry.
Sometimes you feel excited.
Sometimes you feel good.
Sometimes you feel insain.
Sometimes you feel blue.
Sometimes you feel blues.
Sometimes you feel the power.
Sometimes you feel like you're the power.
Sometimes you feel weird.
Sometimes you feel like.
Sometimes you feel meaning.
Sometimes you feel like you're the meaning.
Sometimes you feel right.
Sometimes you feel wrong.
Sometimes you feel sound.
Sometimes you feel view.
Sometimes you feel touch.
Sometimes you feel punch.
Sometimes you feel pain.
Sometimes you feel thrill.
Sometimes you feel cold.
Sometimes you feel hot.
Sometimes you feel chill.
Sometimes you feel the heart.
Sometimes you feel the soul.
Sometimes you feel the mind.
Sometimes you feel like you're the one.
Sometimes you feel like you're just one.
Sometimes you feel what is inside.
Sometimes you feel what is outside.
Sometimes you feel that something else.
Sometimes you feel yourself.
Sometimes you feel the game.
Sometimes you feel the rules.
Sometimes you feel the break.
Sometimes you feel the work.
Sometimes you feel everything.
Sometimes you feel nothing.
Sometimes you feel day.
Sometimes you feel night.
Sometimes you feel dark.
Sometimes you feel light.
Sometimes you feel dream.
Sometimes you feel sleep.
Sometimes you feel sun.
Sometimes you feel snow.
Sometimes you feel Fall.
Sometimes you feel Spring.
Sometimes you feel new.
Sometimes you feel old.
Sometimes you feel parts.
Sometimes you feel art.
Sometimes you feel caught.
Sometimes you feel thoughts.
Sometimes you feel wind.
Sometimes you feel text.
Sometimes you feel next.
Sometimes you feel on.
Sometimes you feel off.
Sometimes you feel go.
Sometimes you feel stop.
Sometimes you feel walk.
Sometimes you feel run.
Sometimes you feel thirst.
Sometimes you feel burn.
Sometimes you feel air.
Sometimes you feel water.
Sometimes you feel empty.
Sometimes you feel full.
Sometimes you feel hurt.
Sometimes you feel safe.
Sometimes you feel needed.
Sometimes you feel need.
Sometimes you feel free.
Sometimes you feel chained.
Sometimes you feel shine.
Sometimes you feel shy.
Sometimes you feel the beat.
Sometimes you feel like you're beat.
Sometimes you feel lightning.
Sometimes you feel thunder.
Sometimes you feel rain.
Sometimes you feel storm.
Sometimes you feel calm.
Sometimes you feel lake.
Sometimes you feel late.
Sometimes you feel brave.
Sometimes you feel smart.
Sometimes you feel wit.
Sometimes you feel color.
Sometimes you feel life.
Sometimes you feel time.
Sometimes you feel fly.
Sometimes you feel cry.
Sometimes you feel shout.
Sometimes you feel shoot.
Sometimes you feel tank.
Sometimes you feel blanck.
Sometimes you feel help.
Sometimes you feel hell.
Sometimes you feel gental.
Sometimes you feel ruff.
Sometimes you feel silent.
Sometimes you feel talk.
Sometimes you feel fear.
Sometimes you feel luck.
Sometimes you feel dumb.
Sometimes you feel blind.
Sometimes you feel deaf.
Sometimes you feel weak.
Sometimes you feel stong.
Sometimes you feel alive.
Sometimes you feel dead.
Sometimes you feel tired.
Sometimes you feel sick.
Sometimes you feel ill.
Sometimes you feel clear.
Sometimes you feel left.
Sometimes you feel liked.
Sometimes you feel loved.
Sometimes you feel to just feel...

It's Official - I'm Šiaulia since todays Art class.... What an exciting attraction I was today... Hard to believe it.... I feel like I'm some sort of a #1 star here.... This is stupid, 'cause I feel stupid... I can't get what's happening.... This is something .... Wow.... I just hope I got everything right and they really liked me, and all that wasn't just messing around with me... That would be unbearable... I couldn't stand that....
So, let's hope this was okey in the good way.....

I had fun today, you? ;D

I want to cry... I'm bored of living, being on my own, alone... I'm so tired of it... But the thing is - this won't change, 'cause I don't let anyone be near me....
I'm an idiot - that's a fact. Nothing in the world can deny it.

Guess I just have to live with that... Just like before...

10.10.10

That's something.

I'm loosing my thoughts. I'm seriously going to start carrying a notebook with me in one of my hands and write every single one of it, when it comes to me.

While walking today it came to me - how different I feel. Better. In many ways.... Maybe This Is It. That Something what was missing all this time... Maybe now I really have what it takes to turn part of my life round.... Don't know... Don't want to actaully... I never know what I want and what I don't want. And it's anoying.

Have you ever had a feeling like you are like an Amusement Park? You know? Like you are some kinda entertainment or something? I have. I'm having. Sometimes I feel like I'm an attraction to the guys here. I do realise that, our town ain't the best place to crash and hang out, but why do they have to make me feel like I'm a new exhibit in a museum... I know maybe they have some questions they'd like to ask, but you don't have to tread me like a creature you see for the first and last time in your life... But on the other hand... It's kinda fun...

Okey.. So it's ten minutes after eleven in the evening on Sunday... Great...

I just hope everything won't go down for me...

I have noooo idea why I am on The Face of The Earth?........
Am I a Joke to someone? Just so they could have a laugh?
Am I living a new version of The Truman Show?
Is my life just a script?
A movie?

I feel tears in my eyes....
Can somebody just shoot me??? Please !!!!

I'm tired of this.... Whatever this is............

I don't like this..........

It doesn't matter how many times I'm gonna say it....... Nothing will change..........

I am seriously sick. Insain.

Guy says couple of times Hi to me and others, the ones I tell that, already saying that he likes me. Like, Likes me.... Damn it ! And everything along with everyone !

It's been a month. A WHOLE FUCKIN' MONTH I'M HERE. And I did absolutely nothing. Like nothing. Zero action. Don't try saying that there's nothing wrong with me.

Days ago I had thoughts. Like real ones. Not like this, but others - happy ones, funny, silly.... Something that was worth to read. Not this same old same old shit.

Monday I was walikng from the school - the whole day was "Just take it easy" - it helped. So anyway. I was walking, pretty slow, listening to music in my mind, when the mp3 started playing "Little Bitty Pretty One by Huey Lewis and The News" and it's kinda gamesome rhythm, there are these gaps with fingers, you know, that sound, whatever, and the next moment I caught myself singin the song silently, with my lips only moving, my feet started to do something that it kinda looked like dancing, and I stared to mess around. It only lastet for a moment or two, but I felt stupidly good. I actually felt a smile on my face. I started to giggle, 'cause I felt stupid and good at the same time..... Only then It came to me - It Takes So Little To Feel Better. Only When You Try. - And that's were I get off of the Better Life Train. My problem - I DON'T TRY.

Sorry, I had to do something.... For the school......


To tell you the truth - things aren't bad as I thought it could be, they are really even better then it should be..... Everyone is sooo "Just take it easy".... Seriously... It came to my just now ;DDDD

I don't know what's left there to say? How am starting to like and dislike some people? How the guys make me smile in lessons, because of what they do at them..... It's actually very atracting to be in school, when there's someone always fooling around, making jokes and takin' it easy ;]

I can't live like this. I need to sit my ass down and write the very moment when I have something to. Cause I forget.

Damn.

WTF just happend?.... I'm surfing in the Net, listening to music, when suddenly the door bell rings... It was almost 23h... And the bell rang... Daaaamn it how I got scared.... Seemed, that the heart stopped beating.... I hold my breath... No movement... Not a sound... I just waited... Don't know, and defenately don't want to know, what the hek that was.....

Please don't do that again to me...

"So I'll just keep on walking down this open road
Talking to the man who knows me
Yes he knows me, the man is me" - And I walked The Open Road Today !

Weird feeling that was... Just Me, The Road, Wind and The Music in my Mind... I felt great. Just perfect. I mean, if I could choose between The Open Road and University, I would defenately choose The Open Wild Road, 'cause what can be better than to travel The World. To see things for real, to feel, to hear, to have the time of your life... Damn it how I want to do that. This could really be "my thing", you know. I don't know. If someone would ask me what I'd like to do the most now, I'd say - "travel The World with the closest one, better yet with all the people that are close to me. Lover, friend, sister, even mother. Everyone that would be up for it. To have the one experience I'd never ever forget..." - that's what I'd say. If anyone would ask.

Last weekend I was stuck somewhere between Stupidity and Reality. Now - Slumber and Life. This Place has That Something, what was missing Back There. For starters everything seems to be fine with me. For now. So thats a bit strange, 'cause I'm not use to it... But I'm getting...

I don't know, how things will go later, but I guess it can't be worse than it was... Can it?

You know what reminds me this Little Tree?... Me. I know I know... I'm not saying anything Tonight.

I just want to Fly like an Eagle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsTc9sDD_64
or just Runaway like The Wolf into the Misterious Night http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhSx8uKdD5o ......

So many feelings,so little time.

What can be better than a screwd Weekend? - Just the beautiful Monday morning...

Sorry.. No inspiration to write..

Thanks

A lot... I mean. Who does that? It's not cool, okey? Or fair.... I don't know how it happened, but it didn't seem like an "accident". More like a set up... I felt and I still feel stupid.
This morning I got to school minute or two later, straight on the bell to the first class. When I got there I saw only three seets left, but all of them was next to someone, so I choose the closest one to me, next to a classmate-boy. Soo. Right. Nice. Yeah.
Great experience.

Damn

It. Everything. What the Hell am I doing here?... I feel like a ton or at least 3 in a half had been drop on me. It seems that when someone is looking at me they see a freak from the Moon. Seriously now I know what it meens "Like fallen from the Moon"*... Damn.. I wanna go home. I can see they obviously have no intrest in knowing me. Well there was this one girl, she was nice, tried to talk to me, but I think I kinda messed up, a bit or a lot - don't know... Oh, right, one guy from my class seemed to me like I've seen him alredy somewhere, just couldn't find out where. But when I got home I remembered - in one of many and kinda stupid "dating" sites. Damn how I was embarrassed... When I realized That He is That guy Jesus... I actually think he's pretty cute. That's why I got so embarrassed. But on the other hand - it's nothing. Guy's pretty cute, so what?

I'm still freakin' out like crazy.

Wish me not to faint.

I wish I could just cry 'till there's no strenght for me to breath... Please somebody tell me this ain't happening...

I know it's just me, but something is there that terrifies me. I'm scared to death. But why? I DON'T KNOW !! There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of... But that doesn't calm me down.

I'm sick and tired from packing stuff. Were're leaving on Thusday morning but my mom's just crazy about getting all the things packed 'till then. Seems to me she'd like to pack all our stuff and just wait untill it's time to go, and that would be about more than 48 hours. Nice.

I'm so envy of those who have The Will. You know? The strenght of doing everything THEY WANT. Why I'm such a mess. It's not fair. Or is it? I don't know. I don't know a fuckin' thing about what is happening. I only know how stupid, lonely, miserable, useless, faintless I am. That's it. Nothing more. I'm seriously insain.

Why you're always not there when I need you. Guess I just imagened that you care about me.

'Why so serious?...'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Who's serious now?

While coming home from the store, I looked in the mirror. Guess what I saw? Total apathy. Nothing. Glassy look. Dead eyes. Empty face. Nothing - ME. I saw me. Without any intrest in myself or life or anything that was going around me. That's what I saw. Sad huh? Just like everything here. What is wrong with me? Huh? Who is that brave and stupid enough to tell me, who the Hell I am?

Sign ups here ----->>


Got back home, ended watching Charlie Bartlett, and baked some pancakes, wathced Valiant with mom, and the End.

I don't know why I said that.

When you're feeling like a big pail of crap, you want people to see that.

If I could see myself through someones elses eyes, I think I'd see miserable teenager, that's clearly not OKEY with her life. That's how I feel today.

I wish when people look at me, see my eyes, they'd see misery, lonlyness, sadness, madness, everything there is negative. They'd come up to me, take one look, and turn away from me. Leave me there. Let me be. When I disagree with something, and it still is the way I hate, don't botter me. Don't try and talk with me, 'cause then, nothing will happen.


Have a nice day ! - by shooting me

Hey! I know... You're not there now, you're always not there,anyway...Doesn't matter, long time we chat, maybe you'd like to again sometime? Well, you know, crazy, nonsense, just have some fun. Like the good old days. Give me a text

I was refering to my Sanity, but somebody else answered. Thank YOU!!

Not so verrryy long ago I wrote a "Wish List" - 15 things I'd like to do someday...

Couple days ago I was so sad about one person... I tried to seek truth in this world, but I guess I'll never know...

I'm kinda distracted now.. I'll be back later...

01:15

It's Friday. Summer. I'm alone with my dog at home. It's dark. I'm scared. I want to cry. Scream. Do something !! I went to get a drink. I took a flesh light with me to walk 3 meters do the kitchen. I grabed the drink and ran back to my bed. I'm sooo scared to be alone here. Nobody talks with me. I'm scared. Lonely. Sad....

I wish somebody would do something like Patrick for Kat in '10 Things I Hate About You' for me too...

Well... I can dream about it. Can't I? ;]

01:29

Life's not fair. Why? 'Cause it's just the way it is? Just because it's the way it is, doesn't mean it's the way it should be. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not how it suppose to be, but it still is. Why? Because God wants? I don't believe in him. Fate? Could be. But why? Just please somebody tell me, Why Life's Not Fair. Simple answer. No God. Please. If you have it, lets hear it. If no. Don't say anything. At all. Except, if you badly want, tell me, that I've Lost My Mind. 'Cause after you'll read this, you'll probably think I'm out of sanity, a psycho or something like it. If you want to see a real psycho, go to the mental or just watch American Psycho, now he's really crazy. Me? I'm just a Lost Soul, that's looking for some answers in meaning of life, if there is a meaning. One last thing. I promise. All of you that know me long enough, if you'll read this, you'll think "she's sooo pessimistic, as always, nothing new" Yes. I'm a pessimist and it's not a secret. But now. At this very moment I'm just sad. Don't interpret this as it's my life I'm talking about. 'Cause it's not. My life is at blogspot.com. I'm feeling sad for some people and I just want to know why this or that happend to them... So there...
Thank You and Good Night.

'10.7.19

Jeigu nieko nesugebat pasakyti gero į akis reikiamu momentu, tai ir nekalbėkit tada ir už akių. Užkniso mane šitas mėšlas.Varyt į akis kiekvienas pusprotis ir nevisprotis mandras. O vat ką nors gero pasakyt - nėr drąsuolių. Už akių visi ereliai. Kaip turiu gyvent normalų gyvenimą jei nė vienas (neskaitant tų, kurie sugeba dar išlement gerą žodį, DĖKUI Jums) į akis nieko nesugebat gero pasakyt. Tik varyt. AČIŪ! Labai padedat gyvent man. Oi stebisi kiti kokia aš čia "kompleksuota", kai tokia "gera, maloni ir faina mergaitė" esu - eikit jūs velniop!! Rimtai - valinkit NX nuo manęs kuo toliau !!! Nesugebat į akis visko pasakyt tai nieko tada vapše nesakykit. Dzin absiol ką jūs manot. Lietuvių suknista mada - į akis peikt, už akių - girt. Apsiverskit jūs ten stati ! Iš vis - nerūpiu jums - netaisykit minų, kad rūpiu. Neįdomu kaip laikaus - gyva ar mirus - tai ir nevaidinkit, kad rūpi. Tylit - tylėkit. Atsibodot negyvai. Jei nebijočiau taip mirties eičiau žudytis. Rimtai. Nemanipuliuoju ir nejuokauju. Manęs jau seniai galėjo nebebūti. Bet kažkur pasąmonėje kirbėjo viltis. O juk ji miršta paskutinė. Guess what - I'm sick off it !!! OFF EVERYTHING !!!

Negi taip sunku suprasti - kad aš nelaiminga skaito visi kaip iš knygos. O KO AŠ NORIU TAI PAŽODŽIUI IR PARAIDŽIUI REIK AIŠKINT !! UŽKNISOT IKI PASKUTINIO GYVO KAULO !! Tik šiek tiek atvirumo, nuoširdumo, švelnumo, originalaus paprastumo. Tik tiek tenoriu. That's all. Kuo tuoliau, tuo labiau atrodo, kad sapnuoju košmarą. O kaip norėčiau pabusti ! HELP ME !! Kasnakt bijau užmigti ir sapnuoti, nes pabusti vėliau dar labiau bijau. Mane gąsdina realybė labiau nei siaubekas vidurnakty tamsiame kambaryje, žiūrint vienai pačiai. Veltui naktim nemiegu, ašaras lieju. Atsibodo apsimetinėt tuom kuom nesu. O KAS AŠ ESU IKI ŠIOL NEŽINAU !! IŠ PROTO VARO !! Viskas mane žudo, bet taip ir nepribaigia. O GAILA !! Aš nenormali. Nėra galios, kuri paneiktų tai.

Kada gi pagaliau užbaigsiu šitą kankynę - savo gyvenimą...?...

If anyone is reading this. I don't care. Yes or no and who. I don't.

Toma. Jei skaitai - Dėkui Tau, kad esi mano draugė. Mano priešingybė - laiminga optimistė, su normaliu gyvenimu, mylinčia šeima ir kitais artimaisiais, giminaičiais, draugais. Aš sutikčiau mirti jei bent diena galėčiau būti tokia laiminga ir turėti visa tai. Dėkui ir už tą praleistą laiką Tavo šeimoje. It means a lot. And Thanks to You foks of this familie too...(hug).

Agne. Tau ačiū už tai, kad tiesiog esi mano draugė. Tu ir turi tai ko aš pavydžiu jums - normalią šeimą..(hug).

Vika. Tau Sūka ačiū už tai, kad parodei kas esi. Jei po beveik dešimt metų draugystės sugebėjai tris paras mane durnint apsimetus vaikinu, kuris man tada rūpėjo. Ir jei pameni, kad kai norėjai, kad atleisčiau, aš tau sakiau - "Nori, kad atleisčiau - pasikeisk numerį, kad ŠITO daugiau akyse nematyčiau, tada atleisiu." O tu kale, iki šiol tebenaudoji numerį šitą sėkmingai toliau - tai tau blet nieko neturiu ką pasakyt.

Domantukai, ačiū tau, kad esi toks mažas džentelmenas. Geras vaikis tu. Respektas..(hug).

Monika, sis. Thanks for being..(hug).

Mam, na ką. Tau už viską ačiū labiausiai. Už tą vargą, kurį tau sukeliu - Atsiprašau. Nesu, nebuvau ir nebūsiu tikrai niekad tokia pat kaip ir tu. Atleisk. Mes kaip diena ir naktis. Tu - diena. Aš - naktis. Nors pagal išvaizdą kitaip atrodo. I'm sorry. I really am..(hug).

Ramūnai. Dėkui už tuos pokalbių vakarus visus metus. 365-ias ir daugiau dienų kai parašai. Patinki tu man. Tarsi vyresnysis brolis. Sorry. Taip yra. But still - Thanks. xo. Vienintelis dar suprantantis ko noriu iš pašnekovo, net jei ir nežinai to pats.(hug).

Mindaugai. Na kaip tavęs nepaminėsiu - "meile". Kaip ten su ta meile iš tikro buvo ar yra, matyt taip ir liks neišaiškinta. Bet vis tiek ačiū tau už anuos pokalbius. Bojau. Pameni kaip pasaką kūrei apie "bojų, kurmį, asilą" ir dar lygtais kažką. Aš pamenu. Smagu tąnakt buvo. Kodėl nebesišnekam kaip anksčiau? Tiesa. Aš viską suknisau Tą Naktį. Atleisk..(hug).

Dovydai. Tu pasiutėli. Nu gi ačiū už mėlynes ant kūno. Aš nesityčioju. Rimtai ačiū..(hug).

Dei. Je ne tavo "Kupranugario memuarai" tuomet, prieš gerus pusantrų metų - niekad nebūčiau atsikleidus savo beverčių rašytojos gabumų. Šiaip Tau Dėkui už tai, kad susibendravom, gaila neilgam..(hug).

Klase - ačiū už tuos suėstus nervų metus nuo pirmos iki aštuntos klasės. Čia ironija. Va čia rimtai - ačiū už paskutinius geriausius metus su jumis. Nesidžiaukit. Dėkoju ne visiems. Merginos - ačiū, kad bendravot su manim. Sorry, kad tada nepavyko ką planavot dėl manęs. But Thanks. You too - Nervyterį..(hug).

Ačiū tiem, kurie šiaip bendravot su manim valandą, dieną, parą, savaitę, mėnesį. Dalius, Dainius, Audrius, Eiris, Vilius, Edvinas, Andrius, Vaikinas iš Kuršenų, "Pakeleiviai" iš kitų LTU kampelių, visi Mindaugai, Kestai, Modžiai, ir likę, kurių nebeišneša mano atmintis..(hug).

Fausta - padruške. Kaip aš be tavęs. Gi tau Dėkui už tai. Kad esi. Mano draugė ir kad tiesiog esi..(hug).

Močiūt - ačiū, kad išmokinai siūt ir plaukt. Daugiau nieko. Tu daugiau sveiko proto kainuoji ir nervų nei bet kas kitas. O patikėk aš daug ko mačius.

Dieda, tu alkoholike. Tau visgi daugiau yra už ką dėkot. Ačiū už kortas, kad išmokinai Durnių, 21 lošt, už šachmantus, kuriuos kažkada gerai mokėjau, už kantrybę mokant dviračiu važiuot ir visus kitus mokslus, pjaunant, kalant, laužant. Sbasiba za vsio, shto xaroshava zdielal dlia minia.

Ačiū už pastoge ir visad šilta priėmimą Vyšnių 4 gyventojams ir artimiesiems.

Tėvai - VARYK TU NX !!!

Gusti - ačiū tau už tuos žodžius per "Pijuko 65" ir vakare pas Rimone.
Tomai - tau ačiū už tai, kad pripažysti mane "Meškų klano".
Donce - nu tau tiesiog ačiū, kad esi mano dėdė.
Ačiū kitom Meškom, mane pripažinusiom už savą..(hug).

Marsai, mažuti mano, saule. Kaip tau DĖKUI už tai, kad vienintelis esi toks kantrus būti prie manęs kai man liūdna. Laukti manęs kai sėdžiu ilgiausiai visur kur bastaus. Myli tu mane, o aš net nesuvokiu kodėl. Aš juk net tavim normaliai nepasirūpinu. Ankščiau gi tu kentėdavai kai pikta būdavau. Atleisk. Bet tu vis tiek džiaugiesi kai grįžtu namo. Kodėl? Juk tai aš. Tik aš..(hug).
Why, sweetheart, why?...

Why do you people care about me?

It's just me.

THANKS EVERYONE. Maybe I'm just too stupid for all of you, to understand this so called life. Can someone explain it to me? Please...

Todays most biggest victims is The Victims of Civilization.
This category victims is The whole World. Cause every step in civilization is a big step for humanity forward, and a huge step for humanity backwards as well. Why? Yes, I know it's a paradox. But it's the way it is. Our brilliant minds envent time after time something new and more convenient for us to use. From time amazing Ancient Times, to the Middleages, to the Twentyth century and finally to the wonderful World of todays Technology. Everything we creat is suppose to help us live an easier life. But is that really true? The more we build the more trouble it costs. Like for an exemple - mobile phones. It's small, convenient, easy to use, communicative, lots to do with it. But. Radiation. Bad waves and everthing else. Sure it's great and helpful and etc. But it's not healthy, so why we envented it? Why do you ask me? I didn't envent this ? As for other things. I was spending my time in a village about a month. No TV, no Internet. So basically no Civilization for me. And I survived.
Today I'm spending my time by the side of the Computer. Everything went well untill the electrisity went blanck. For about 15 minutes. But that was enough for me to panic and cry "what I'm gonna do now?.." Then my mom and me realised that we're victims of Civilization.... No electrisity - no life. Ain't that ironic. I have 24 hours to "enjoy it" and I'm still bored...
I can bet from anything in the World That others like me - the not out going tipe is doing the same thing - being bored by the side of The Mighty Internet.... So what's the point of this? I don't have a clue.
I actually am so jealous of those who don't even have time to look in their e-mails. 'Cause they are living NOT existing or surviving. I wish I could spend more time with other people, like with one of my friend and her familly, I'm happy when I'm with them, 'cause then I'm living, communicating and just being with people... I'm enjoying almost every minute of it, because most of my freetime I spend between 4 walls, ceiliings and floors, staring at one spot or PC monitor or the TV. Dreaming that something will happen in 5 minutes , tomorrow, or someday later. But nothing happend as it is now...

Civilization - kidnapper of the Humanity.

So even the internet can't help me with my problems, wich you already know.
Nothing new. Same old problems. I'm too weak and lazy to change it. Like learning to skate. I'm not afraid to swim, but my friends are. They're not afraid to skate, but I am. Just like I don't understand how they are scared to swim, they can't get the picture why I'm scared to skate. I can tell you why. 'Cause I'm afraid to fall. I never had the strength to get over my fears, mistakes or any other problems I face, like asking a staff member about the mp3 players in a store. When I was just a kid, my grandma taught me how to swim, she never said I can drown, so I wasn't afraid to be in the water and swim. Sure I went for a year or so to the swimming pool where they taught me to swim better. And snice then there is no force in the world that can get me out of the water. But with the skates is diffrent. There isn't anyone to hold me and catch me when I fall. I'm not afraid of getting my bones broken or just getting hurt. I'm just afraid to fall. That's all.
It sames I shoul've gone use to being by myself most of the time, but I'm still scared sometimes to be alone. Like when my mother leaves just for a couple of days and I've got to look out for myself and the dog ofcourse. It's okey in day time, but when it comes to sleep I'm usually afraid to turn off the lights or go check the doors in the dark. Stupid huh. Well... It's what I am.

You know psychologist say that you can write a letter, when you're upset or angry. Well, I tried that. I called for help in my letters, said something I probably would not say out loud to someone I know. And It didn't helped. Yet. I still have one with me here. I think I'll hide it when I'll get back there.
So there.




Aren't I something or what?...
I would go with "or what"...

What can say. Nothing much happend. Spain won. Triumfo fantastico.
Mi amore equipo de España!!!
I've had great time by the lake. In Jns as well... But still there is one thing missisng... Somebody to talk to. I'm not gonna spend my whole time here saying it all over again. I still want someone to chat with. That's all.
You know that feeling when you wait for someone to return home? That feeling when they finally do? That feeling when they thouch you? Feeling when your dad gives you a hug.... I don't. I'm not saying he's dead. Nah. He's alive. Too bad he's is. But he never showed intrest in being my father.
I hate him for leaving my mother and me when I was 6 or 8 months old.
I hate him for showing up after 5 years when his mother died.
I hate him for not calling me.
I hate him for ignoring us for those five years.
I hate him for being The Biggest Jerk in the whole world when he didn't help my mother carry a heavy bag when she asked him.
I hate him for letting my mother cry trough all the night after a stupid fight over the housework and not saying a word to her.
I hate him for thinking that his worthless money is something I need.
I hate him for not showing intrest in me then and now.
I hate him for being alive.
I hate him for being my father.
I don't what you. Get out of my life for good. You never wanted me and I don't want you. Get out.
You're the reason why I don't trust men.
You're the reason why I'm that scared to open up to someone.
You're the reason why I'm so terrified of guys.
You're the reason why I'm afraid of Love.
You're the reason my Life is ruined.
Because of you I don't sleep at nights, because I'm scared to fall asleep and dream.
Because of you I day-dream all my life since the moment I realised I can do that.
Because of you I don't let anyone in.
Because of you I'm scared to live.
Because of you I'm stuck in my own shadow.
Because of you I'm angry on my mother for this.
I don't feel anything just hate to you. But even that is too much for someone, no, for you. No-one else is like you. Thank God.
Now get The HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.. Who's the genius that said life isn't a movie? I would like to his face now. And to think that I dream day and night all my life for something like this what she had. I'm so hopeless... I can't help myself. I need to do something, I have too much free time, and it's not right. I need to occupy my mind and stop this madness before it drives me insain once and for all... Guess it really is true about getting more out of fait when you don't expect anything from it. I need to do something. But I am. I'm learning spanish, well I'm at the least trying.. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I really need someone to be near me and to communicate and to keep me company while I'm doing something, like learning spanish or exercising... I'm so bored of being always by myself it really starts to get to your mind after a while...
That is when you start imagining things that will never ever happen. You start to imagen that life is a movie. That you can to something more than an average human could. You come up with an unknown person when you need to talk to somebody.

You're just looking at one spot an you see what you want to see.

Somebody you want to be with.
Somebody you want to talk to.
Somebody you want to love and to love you.
Somebody you want to say Those Words to you.
Somebody you want to feel butterflys in your stomach everytime his near you.
Somebody you want to know better than yourself, so you could feel useful at anytime he needs you.
Somebody you want to worry about at everytime he's not here with you.
Somebody you want to feel like your 5 again with a present in your hands at Christmas, everytime you meet each other.
Somebody you want to feel free to be yourself everytime he's around.
Somebody you want to smile everytime you think about.
Somebody you want to see a smile in his face everytime you show up.
Somebody you want to be there for you and just be.
Somebody you want to listen to at night and that he would listen to you too when you need him.
Somebody you want to trust and to trust you.
Somebody you want to show up in a blink of an eye when he hears you on the phone crying.
Somebody you want to hold you thight and let you cry.
Somebody you want to be next to you when you'll need a support.
Somebody you want to know that he'll wait for you.
Somebody you want to know he'll not even do everything I said here, but also just go shoping with you, help you at your home to throw a party, help you to buy a perfect present for your BFF, help you with any other problem you'll have.
Somebody you want to just be your friend and much more at the same time.

I don't count how many times I said something like this, and it doesn't matter how many times more I'll say this, nothing will change. 'Cause I know no-one will know this, no-one will know how I feel for real, no-one will know what's actually happing inside of my head, what I'm thinking, how I'm hanging, with whom I like to spend my time...
It hurts me. But maybe it's for the best. I mean, nobody will have to worry their minds about me, just like now nobody does.

Sadly it's my life and I'm living it.

Ofcourse there are good times as well, but they just end so quickly, I don't have enough time to enjoy them and to soak them up into me, so they could last more longer. I'm not saying I need attention 24/7 it's just I would like to have a bit more than I am now. True attention, not made up like the one my grandma gives. Just to hear that someone noticed me, how I look, feel, talk. Just a small word, sign would be enough.

Just like for now talking about my miserable life ;]

Till next ;]


xoxo Your Girl ;* ;]

It's so weird. It is summer, The Summer, and , nothing new, I'm still doing the same - nothing. It's not how I was planing ... Or at least thinkin' .... I'm writing at night in the notebook but am it is not helping me at all. I miss him. Him too. The last night I was thinking how nice it would be to talk the whole night with him, like old times... Would be great to talk to him to. I miss him, he's like a brother to me, too bad he doesn't know that... Yet... It is so hard to be silent for so long but now it's even harder, 'cause it's summer... I'm writing the same crap everytime I've got a chance... My life is too boring...

Any ideas how to change it for a lonely 16 year old girl?....




xoxo Your Girl ;*




See you when I see you ;]

Thoughts blowing through my mind. Nobody talks to my. I'm loosing my mind because of the WorldCup, 'cause I can't see it. DAMN IT!!!!!! Spain lost first game, shit. Better Luck next time. One my best friend is out, again, I can't talk to him, 'cause I'm without connection. What else? The other one is going nutts' about the Prom and everything else.... And I'm bored to death. I'm crying at nights, I don't do sports, I don't learn Spanish, I don't do anything to be happy. Well there was an evening when we spend it before her flight the next day, I've had fun. But that's it. Yesterday I was here and The Familie were talking about their last Summer's vacation. They had so much fun and wonderfull time, that I'd almost started crying... I'm happy about me and my mom and our time when we have it, but that is just something behond me and my familie, that I would really like to have and can't. I just wish I could feel maybe even for once in my lifetime what kind of feeling is it. Would be nice.





Ok enough.

Have a great Summer ;]


xoxo Your Girl ;*


P.s. How's Tėja for ya? I kinda like it ;DDp

After 24 hours' I'm ganna be long gone. This is so strange, 'cause I don't know what the hell is going to happen this Summer, I mean, I ain't got no magic powers' to see into the future, but the thing is, this time is different, 'cause I'm not that sure how things could go... And it scears me ...



xoxo Your Girl ;*;P;D



Stay strong ....

I really regret the fact, that when I had so many different thoughts' I didn't write them down.... Now I don't know what to write about... And when I'll have, I won't be able to, 'cause I'm headin' out on tuesday... That means, no TV, no internet and definitely no shops to shop... And I still don't have what I wanted.... This sucks. We, me and my friend, were going to go to the Club and have some fun, I had the idea of staying at my place after the dance. But it didn't work out, why? Because her parents were against it. So much for having fun this friday... Today I had to go to my grandmother's place. No big. Just it was like always - stupid idea. She drowe me nuts after the second sentence. My mom suggests I leave on tuesday to the countryside and stay there untill the 28 June, then she'll pick me up and we'll go to the house by the lake, and have some fun there, with my sis, two uncles and some of thier friends... I actually like this idea. Next. After that I'll return to the village, probably, and remain there till the end of the summer. I wouldn't complain about it if it wasn't for the fact, that my one friend will be at England in that time, and the other one is graduated and she has the exams and everything else. So basically I'm screwed. Without them I don't have anything left to do. I mean. What? Stay in the city? Yeah right. Like I have activity here. It's too late for a Summer Camp, my other friends, I'm 100% sure, have their summer planed already. I'm the only one left. As usual. So there you go. I have nothing. And that's that, 'cause this is my life.





xoxo Your Girl ;*;P;D


Till someday

Second day of The Summer

And nothing new. As always.. Except for the fact that I'm finally free from that fu#kin' place you call school. Man it's a good felling to be out !!! 8) I'm sooo glad everything is over, well, almost. But still...

I gatta run now. See ya later



xoxo Your Girl ;* ;P ;D

He saw me!!! I can't believe he was almost right next to me and I didn't see him... Aaaaahhh.... Why I'm so blind?.. ;DDD



xoxo Your Girl ;* ;P ;D

Peace and quiet

Is that too much to ask? For me. Yes. Wanna experience true hell? Try my life on for size...

Next news. I've been to the big M... Quite a nice place they got there... Unfortunately my preformance wasn't the one, to leave a good impretion...

Furthermore... I don't like some parts of my life that are happening...

Guess I should've got use to it by now...

Don't you just hate when one second people are nice to you and the next they're like the devil himself?

Firsts day

Tasks almost complited ! Yeeeeeaaaayyyy for me ;P ;DDDD I've done my exercise, HW as well, all that's left is PC and GG ;P

Oh, I also thought about writing every evening before falling a sleep a letter, to myself, so that when the alarm goes on in the morning, the second thing (after turning the alarm off) I'll do - read it. The whole idea is for me to remind myself what I'm doing, so that I would not forget. I don't know if it's stupid or clever, but so far it's working, considering, that today is the first day of everything ;DDD

I think I'll do a calendar for the training, it will be easier that way, so, I think I'll get on it right now, so there would be more time for something more .... ;] ;P


See ya, xoxo Your Girl ;* ;P ;DD

Something

I was planing to do today ... Riiiight.. Write what I'll DO and DON'T DO starting tomorrow, well... It's not working, cause it's twenty two hundret in a half hours and I even haven't started... Boy am I something... ;DDD Something for not doing what I suppose to do, lieing around, doing noting... Yeah, that's me...

See ya, xoxo YourGirl ;* ;P ;DD

Recently

The most time I've been trying to say the first thing that comes to my mind. But with this came the fast talking and no understanding express...

Several days ago I was walking (I wouldn't call it that way) my dog in the rain. Actually I was just standing infront of my apartment while my dog walked himself ;DD, any way... While the rain drops were falling on me I had a thought, that maybe the Sky really understands me, it's stupid, I know. But it's just that, on that evening - cloudy, rainy, full of mist... In my mind was going exactly the same. So I thought that maybe Magic can happen. I noticed this change of wheater when I wasn't feeling good days ago. So I have a request. Magic. If you're out there, anywhere. Help me. Please.

The next thing is that I think, I finally understand the saying "Sometimes It just takes a little to fell happy". Having a haircut really made my happy. I fell like I completely found myself. This new look was all I needed to fell more free and less complicated. Atleast something can work out for me ;DD... Also, reading, that someone is actually glad receiving a text from me, makes a difference to ;]...

But still. My quest continues. The legendary Search of a person, that would like to chat with my 24/7 is still not work so good as I thought in the first place it would be.

Next. This "Gossip girl" gig is, literally, getting into my head. Once again I'm daydreaming of the things that aren't going to happen even if I paid everyone to do it. So basicly I'm back where I started.

I'm so hopeless.

" - Yet again, so what.
- Says the All-knowing Sanity - finishes Brain.
- It's so funny, I forgot to laugh
- I sure haven't. "

May 1st.

Tweny two hundret hours
It's been a while since the last time I've wrote in here... And as much as I don't like saying that, but my life haven't change much ;DDDD But it's OK. Cause, I'm used to it. I'm mean, it's not like every day happens something exciting to my or even something new. But I'm cool with that. Really. It get's borring of course, eventually... But this is not the reason I'm writing... Actually I forgot why I'm writing ;DDD I forgot everything I wanned to write ;DD .... Uh. I got it! ;DDD One night I thought that I might could start writing lyrics... Just for fun... You know, when I feel like doing it. First thing that comes to my mind...

I'll try to start living in a bit more free way... Having fun more often...

Uh. I'm going to have a haircut next week ;DDD And my friends are coming next weekend , I hope they're still coming ;D

Well. Guess that's it for now. See you soon ;]
xo Night Girl ;DDDDDDD It's catcy, "xo Gossip Girl" ;DDDD

Sorry

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Aaaaarrrruuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I just want to hoooooowwwwwlll !!!! I'm screaming inside and I would sooooo like to scream outside... Too bad I can't... Well... I guess I'll just have to wait for a chance... Hope it wouldn't take too long... Cause I'll lose my mind !!! ;DDD
Next thought - I finally have a new cell and at the end of the week I'll have a bank credit card. My very own money.. UUhh I can't wait ;DDD But, I'll have to.
Okay,what else? I'm lonely. As usual. Hey, it's my life...

"It's my liiiiiife It's now or neveeeeeer I ain't gonna live for eveeeeer..."

Like that ;DDD Well, part of it ;DD
Give me a moment... I missed chating. Thank You, you still remember me ;DDD

" - It's so boring in here. What do you do here all this time? Nothing? - asks Fun Sanity and Brain.
- Yeah! - answers both.
- Oh my stars..."

"If you don't like it. Leave it"

Not a bad idea,if you have what to do. I came up with a reasonable conclusion in this situation : I can leave it on Wednesday and come back on Monday. That's a great way to work it out. Ain't it? ;D

" - Yeah. It's a good idea. It would be even better if you only left in that lesson, and came back later. - says Sanity to Brain.
- That's not going to work. It will be more trouble this way. - says Brain.
- Hmmm... Hate to say it. But. You're God damn right... "

What, you think it's funny ?

Well I don't think so. You're mocking me here, and it's getting really boring !!! Why in the name what all is pure you're doing this to me ?... What ? I'm not good enough for ya ? Huh ? Is that the reason ?... Well guess what ! I'm not planing to change. Yeah, you got that right. What ? Not good ? I DON'T CARE !!! Just like you don't about me, I don't about you. You know why ? I think you wanna know. Well it's because you're not helping me at all. You're just making everything worse, like I need that ! What, you think it's a coincidence that exactly today I watched situations with fathers and their kids? First that so called teen-heroes "the Simpsons" - Homer makes a bet against Lisa, and he wins. Lisa finds out and gets angry with him. Then, she decides that she doesn't have a father anymore, and changes her name from Lisa Simpson to Lisa Bouvier [if I remember right]. What do you know. Homer get's upset and finds a way to apologize. I'm thinking. Even an idiot like this cartoon character is created like a person, father, who cares about his kid. Next tought. If even Homer can apologize, and do someting usefull for his daughter. Why can't my father [I can't believe I'm saying this] be more like Homer, in this situation ?... Second. I'm surfing trough the channels and I stop at an animated film "The Wild". Once again I'm facing this "father son" times, where daddy tries everything to save his little boy. One thing I can't get. How come every single time when I'm seeing something like it, I'm always getting upset... I mean. I know it's just a movie, a film, a cartoon... But it just hurts me so much when I see what fathers can do for their children... I never knew what it's like to have a father. But I would really like that... Unfortunetly for me it's impossible like the french would say. I never had. And I never will.
But what hurts me here the most. Is that name change. If Lisa could, why can't I ? My mom always said "you and me, and the dog #laughing#, we are one family"... So if we're one family, why I need to be Salytė if she's Meškaitė and I also want to be Meškaitė. Why ? Just because she says so ? It's always been that way. I'm tired of it. It's not fair. Removing this block would make me happier. I can't get why she doesn't understand this ? It's not hard. Is it ?...

" - Well, what do you think miss "Know it all" ? - asks Brain Sanity. - Is it?...
- Ofcourse... It's... Not... I think. - answers she with doubt in her voice. - But on the other hand...
- Oh, don't you start again !! - shrieks the Heart, for the first time so hard. - It's not so hard to understand. She's just like a child, doesn't want to hear anything more. "No" and final. - wisely speaks Heart.
- Yes, we all know that. - shows herself the Conscience. - It just takes a little bit time, that's all.
- Well time is something we ain't got, - speaks his mind Brain, - if we'll wait a bit longer she'll turn eighteen, and it will be over after that for good. But we want, we need this NOW ! "

Is there anyone who can listen to me!

I am soooo pissed off [I don't know how to write that word, I hope it's the right one] that I can't even write normally... If it wasn't for the opened window and the TV I could write more clearly. But I just need to feel that feeling like someone's here, with me. For so long I've been alone, that I can't even stay in the room alone without the TV or music turned on. Mom works hard. I know that. She's sacrificing herself because of me, she wants me to a have o good life. Thanks mom. But the thing is, that she's so busy with all that work that she doesn't see how I'm doing NOW. Not after five six years, not later, not tomorrow, not someday.NOW. I want her to see how I'm doing now... She only thinks about my future, leaving me no opportunities to think about it myself. God damn it! I'm tired playing this game "Shut up now, talk never". It ain't right. All I want is for her to listen to me. Is that too much to ask? Huh? I'm asking you... This is soooo not fair. But hey. Life's not fair !!! At least this saying is right. I still have one question hanging in my mind.
Why I need to torture myself over some stupid things if it's killing me form the inside just because they says I must do that? It's like "Simon says" game. They says, we do. Ok ok. I know in some way we need all that stuff, it's part of our lifes, actually it is our life, for now, but that doesn't mean that we need to suffer because of that. I always thought that all that happens will help us live an easier life, the good things I mean. Teachers teach us and they suppose to teach how to make something what is difficult more easier than it is. You know what I'm saying? Well whatever. The point is, that the School should help us by showing us the lighter and less difficult ways in the start of living. Why can't we just change a few thing so it would be more comfortable for us to go, be and do everything there. Ok I admit. I'm speaking in plural when I mean only myself. All this what I wrote. It's about me. Yeah I know I'm an egoistic selfish person, there are more people with a lot bigger problems then me. But this is big for me. If the things that are happening now will go on then I'm seriously going to lose my mind. For real this time. Or better yet. I'll kill myself. That could be one [hopefully the last] of the solutions. It would be the last outgo for my mother, just to pay for my funeral and then she could stop worrying about my future so much. My grandmother doesn't like me anyway, grandfather would be drunk, so he wouldn't even notice. Maybe my sister would be a little bit sad. Father? He doesn't care about me now, and he will not do that later. What else I got? Right. My gang. Two of three girls would be sad, I think, but the third one...I don't think so. Sure a lot of them, people, I've been staying with, would be sad about it, but they'll get over it quickly. Anyone else? Ahh. Right. My class. No one cares about me now and no one will later, they'll just think that I moved to another city, like I'm [means my mom only] am planing to. So there. If I die, nobody will have any trouble with my again, except those how have to bury me, but even that would not take long. So that's the last option in my list, and I really wish she's staying there, at the end of the list. First option would be - getting my out of that sick German class and putting me into English and locking me up there. For starters. Next my mom could finally change my last name from Salytė to Meškaitė, that would really make me happy. At the begining it would be nice if my mother would start listening to me so I could TELL HER ALL THIS SH#T I'VE BEEN WRITING HERE ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!
Damn it... Am I asking too much?...

" - Yes you are! - says Sanity and Brain in chorus."

Here at last.

Funny. But I kinda missed this place. Ironic, don't you think? Cause I abandoned my diary long time ago... The reason I'm back is that, suddenly I felt like writing into my notebook on a piece of paper with a pen. While writing I haven't noticed that I'm writing lines, like real lines. Something like a poem, I don't know. I just felt like writing like that - lines. And I felt real good when I ended. These are second lines, I wrote yesterday.

Shining trough the trees
Is the silver moon
At the darkest night
Above us too
Let us stay
Let us feel
All that magic here
Or other way we’ll
Just go away
Into the deepest
Shadow that
Cruel world is called
But maybe we’ll get lost
Wondering about it
Or maybe we’ll get caught
Just for being there
But what I’m saying
You are staying
I am leaving
Cause this is not the chance
It’s not my life
It is just a dream I like to live
But I don’t have the time
Reality is killing me
My mind is weak
My heart is beat
I’m so confused
I can not tell
I need someone
To help me live
Just a friend
That I can trust
The real friend
Who would not judge
I’m sinking in my thoughts
I’m losing all that what is called my soul
I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to do
I don’t need a lover just a friend
A thing I can call my best adviser
Stop
I’m lying
I need a friend
And lover too
But that’s too much to ask
Cause friend you can trust
Is that lover you can love
Without the fear of losing it
Or is it the other way around
The lover you love
Is that friend you can trust
Without the fear of losing it
No
It’s not the other way around
It’s the first way
First a friend then a lover
If you work it out in the right way
But if not
Well
Then his just a Friend
Wish I could have him
I know my wish is huge
It’s what I do
I dream and dream
I never stop
I think I’m lost
But I’m not
My God I don’t know what I’m writing here
Over and over again
I’m saying the same
Guess I’m crazier
Then thought I was
Hey
That’s what happens
When you’re sixteen
And alone
Talking with walls
Staring at the ceiling
Can get you out of your mind
Trust me on that one
Guess I’ll better go
Before I start again
I started with the silver shining moon
And ending with the sorrow of my soul

I think it's a keeper ;] See ya around ;]

" - Yet again you prove, that you're an idiot! - says the Sanity.
- Oh would you just shut that pie hole you call mouth?! - answers Brain.- It's already hard enough without you, ok? - tells he with one breath, and silently flows away into the darkness of the Mind. My Mind"

Guess not...

Or maybe ? ...