It's incredible how low can I get...
Time to time I have thougths, many of 'em. But I forget them at the same speed they come to me... Or better yet - at the wrong place at the wrong time... So what's left for me to do? Just say to myself - I'll remember it later. Translation - I'll just forget it.
What am I going to do?...
I was seriously considering carrying a Notebook with me in one hand, everywhere I go. Why does this sound so familiar? Maybe I already wrote something like this days back?... See what I'm talking about? I can't remember what I wrote already.... I'm seriously demented...

I'm freakin' scared. Of what? Everything - boys, people, love, hate, death, life, changes, school, graduating, something new, exciting, sad, lone, attention....

Week ago, last Thursday, my class and me went on an excursion. It was quite boring. But on the way home, the boys started singing songs in the bus about me... At first I thought I was quite fun and didn't think it'll take long. But it did. Even too long.. It lasted for the whole 30 minutes till I got off of the bus... It hurted me in a way I can't say. But never, have I felt so I don't know.... Likeable maybe... But ether way it was too much for me... I didn't go to school on Friday. I stayed in bed all day, almost the whole weekend... They were one of the reasons, but the real deal was in me and my mothres talk afterwards. Once I got off the bus I ran to my mom's car through the rain and once I've opend the doors I just said: 'Shoot me!'. My mom didn't reacted well to this and so it began...
'What the hell your talking?!!!' she said. 'Why do I need to shoot you? Are you insain?'
'The Boys sang songs about me in the bus all the way home...' I answerd.
'So?. I can't see what's the problem?'
'Well I CAN !' I shrieked.
'Don't talk to me like that !' she yelled. And there we go.. She hates me the way I am. And I can't stand how she doesn't want me just the way I am... It's .... It's making me sad. Just sad... I start to cry everytime we get to this point. And I did then. Aaaand then it went just perfect. For almost good two hours we were sitting in the car while it rained outside and had a very long talk about me her and us... My mother made a point that I'm a Psycho. Nice. My own mom. How was I suppose to feel after that? Do I need medication? Yes and No. Everybody says Yes, because this is the only way for them. I say No, 'cause I know I don't need that. Even my sister offered me to go and see a psychiatrist.... Nice. Seriously. Am I the only one that thinks that the only thing I need is just a friend I could talk to. Yes I know I have some friends, I can talk to. And Yes I know a psychiatrist could be "a friend" to talk to. But I can't speak to any of my friends, because I moved away, calling is expensive, and by the time I'll get there I don't know how I feel about myself...I need someone closer so I could just talk anytime I'd like to.... It's getting old and boring talking to myself, crying and being by myself most of the time. But Yes, since I'm a Psycho, I can't do anything about it...

Last week on Friday night I saw 'The Kickboxer 2 : The Road Back' and I loved it so much... I mean, I... Now I can't get the Kickboxing out of my mind. I always loved Martial Arts and Fights and I always wanted to learn it myself, but as you already know I never do anything I'd like to, alone, so I never learned. Since yesterday's evening I've been think why I like all those Fights so much. I'm still thinking... And I think I would say : 'I love the power of confidence in what you are doing and Fights are that something I can say you are most confident and consentrated in yourself, because you need to control all of your body and mind as well at the same time. When you learn how to fight, fight good, you don't need to think about what move, strike, kick or block to do, you just do it. It takes a lot of time, patients, energy, and hard work to achieve this, but I think it pays off just like any other activity...' - That's what I'd say if anyone asked me...