Is there anyone who can listen to me!

I am soooo pissed off [I don't know how to write that word, I hope it's the right one] that I can't even write normally... If it wasn't for the opened window and the TV I could write more clearly. But I just need to feel that feeling like someone's here, with me. For so long I've been alone, that I can't even stay in the room alone without the TV or music turned on. Mom works hard. I know that. She's sacrificing herself because of me, she wants me to a have o good life. Thanks mom. But the thing is, that she's so busy with all that work that she doesn't see how I'm doing NOW. Not after five six years, not later, not tomorrow, not someday.NOW. I want her to see how I'm doing now... She only thinks about my future, leaving me no opportunities to think about it myself. God damn it! I'm tired playing this game "Shut up now, talk never". It ain't right. All I want is for her to listen to me. Is that too much to ask? Huh? I'm asking you... This is soooo not fair. But hey. Life's not fair !!! At least this saying is right. I still have one question hanging in my mind.
Why I need to torture myself over some stupid things if it's killing me form the inside just because they says I must do that? It's like "Simon says" game. They says, we do. Ok ok. I know in some way we need all that stuff, it's part of our lifes, actually it is our life, for now, but that doesn't mean that we need to suffer because of that. I always thought that all that happens will help us live an easier life, the good things I mean. Teachers teach us and they suppose to teach how to make something what is difficult more easier than it is. You know what I'm saying? Well whatever. The point is, that the School should help us by showing us the lighter and less difficult ways in the start of living. Why can't we just change a few thing so it would be more comfortable for us to go, be and do everything there. Ok I admit. I'm speaking in plural when I mean only myself. All this what I wrote. It's about me. Yeah I know I'm an egoistic selfish person, there are more people with a lot bigger problems then me. But this is big for me. If the things that are happening now will go on then I'm seriously going to lose my mind. For real this time. Or better yet. I'll kill myself. That could be one [hopefully the last] of the solutions. It would be the last outgo for my mother, just to pay for my funeral and then she could stop worrying about my future so much. My grandmother doesn't like me anyway, grandfather would be drunk, so he wouldn't even notice. Maybe my sister would be a little bit sad. Father? He doesn't care about me now, and he will not do that later. What else I got? Right. My gang. Two of three girls would be sad, I think, but the third one...I don't think so. Sure a lot of them, people, I've been staying with, would be sad about it, but they'll get over it quickly. Anyone else? Ahh. Right. My class. No one cares about me now and no one will later, they'll just think that I moved to another city, like I'm [means my mom only] am planing to. So there. If I die, nobody will have any trouble with my again, except those how have to bury me, but even that would not take long. So that's the last option in my list, and I really wish she's staying there, at the end of the list. First option would be - getting my out of that sick German class and putting me into English and locking me up there. For starters. Next my mom could finally change my last name from Salytė to Meškaitė, that would really make me happy. At the begining it would be nice if my mother would start listening to me so I could TELL HER ALL THIS SH#T I'VE BEEN WRITING HERE ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!
Damn it... Am I asking too much?...

" - Yes you are! - says Sanity and Brain in chorus."