A lot had happend since the last time I wrote... And I'm not saying I'll write everything, maybe just the important things, or just those wich I remember...

So it's 2012... Interesting.. I don't feel any different... Not now, not before, irony to think like this, 'cause, I'd like to say 'a lot', but I would be lying, has really changed, especially when I turned 18 on December 29th just a week ago... Well, last year actually... I don't why, but some things started changing this Fall... I guess I should start with school. I still spend most of my time there, as I like to believe many of you do aswell, if not - lucky, or not so, those who don't... Guess it all started when a classmate - a guy - started greeting me by shanking my hand... It was weird at first, but I always prefered guys to girls, I mean, I'm still heterosexual, at least for the moment I am, though I hope I'll stay like this for ever, but never say never and I really don't mean to descriminate homo- or bisexual ones... But enough about sexual orientations... As I was saying: it was weird at first, but day after day I got use to it and I kept feeling better. I felt like I was accepted, well at least one person accepted me as a person, maybe even as a personality, I don't know, I'd like to, but I think it's better if I don't... Then we started spending the longest break between lessons listening to music and talking, but that only lasted for a month. But we talked later, we still do, we sit together in one lesson, we have only two periods on the same day, so he usually sometimes tries to talk to me, but I usually do not respond, cause I actually try listening to the teach. and understanding what's happening in class, than rather hearing how miserable I am from someone, who's suppose to be my only friend in This Country Town, so to speak... Come to think of it, I don't recall not even one lesson, when we both were at them, wich would have gone normally... He always comes up with what do say or do. But I still can't understand what kind of person he is. I have a few theories, but I'll share with them later, maybe. One day he can treat me as an equal friend. The next he ignors or insults me. I don't really appreciate this kind of treatment, but untill he's communicating with me, I'll have to settle for it. Unless all of this would cross the line one day and I would be pissed off really hard... Then I'll just have to make one of those, so called 'scenes' or option B: I'll just ask him to walk away from me and walk away myself... I realised o lot of times before, that I talk about him more than maybe I should, but , I really can't believe I'm saying this , it just happens. He's gifted with a way with words and people. Maybe he's acting a bit primitive, a lot of time he's jokes are more than rude, especially if they're about me. But without him I would not have a subject about what to write in my letters to my friends... Basically he's the main charecter in my letters. There are a few reasons why this is happening. First one, and guess the most importnat - I don't have a Life. Of any kind. Social, school, sports, music, art, hek, I don't know what kind there can be, but I'm really, how they call it - a 'NoLifer'.. I'm not Miss Universe 2010 or Miss Popular of any year. I'm basically a NoBody most of my time, wich is either school or home... I'm not saying I want to be accepted by 'the Public' and to be The One who everyone knows.. No, I don't need that. I just like to be something more then I am. So that I could get the hell out of my shell, that fortress with brick walls, ice cold shields, strong metal chains, I just want to break loose from all this madness I created.. Me. No-one else. I made up all those complexes wich I have or don't have. I started the countdown for 'Self-Destruct Sequence' in my mind.. I decided to renounce Love from my Life and any other warm feelings I might have for someone, because I'm scared of myself. I've never been inlove before and I don't know what's it like to be loved and to love someone. So I'm just terrified of the idea what I could be capable of doing while being inlove, because I don't know what I could do.... I guess it's complicated and hard to understand, but Yes, I'm a complicated personality, as you can probably see for yourself... Getting back from where I left off : Next reason is - I try to avoid anything what might ask to take a risk. And if the risk doesn't find me first, and things just doesn't start happening without any help from me. Well then usually nothing ever happens, 'cause I always run straight across the street if I see Risk coming my way around the corner... And the third reason could be, in a summary, - I'm pretty boring, 'cause I don't have the excitement about spending my time in school... Some kind of apathy surrounds me when I'm there, and it's an early Christmas Miracle if someone of my classmates sees me smiling... Some people can't believe hearing me talking, some can't believe that most of my time I don't speak... So if I have one main charecter who makes small things happen, then great, I'll talk about him. I know it may seem like we're more than just 'friends', but we're not. Honestly some days I don't even think we're friends, I get confused time to time... Yes I thought about us being more, but every time after I realise that's not going to happen. Well, first - he has a girlfriend he enjoys being with, second, if he could leave her, then he definitely could leave me for another one, and I don't think I'd like that... Neither would he's girlfriend.. Third - he's my classmate, I once tried that with a classmate long time ago, and I gave me a word, I won't do it again and I keep my promises... I should probably also mention, that I dreamt about him. Several times. But it's not a surprise for me, 'cause I dream people I know a lot. And since my dreams don't come really true, I'm calm about anything I could dream about.

Do you know how happy I am when I'm holding 20 or 30 pages in my hand? A letter. Writen to me by my friend. I'm so happy I cried after reading her last one. Because I felt needed. I felt so good it hurt. I couldn't help myself. So I cried a bit.. From joy or sadness, I don't know... I just cried. I felt tears in my eyes and slowly sliding down my face... I felt so grateful for a having a Friend like Her...

Can I ask you? How many of you like to feel cold cold frozen water cutting your face? I like it. I like to feel the cold when I'm outside. Somehow it makes me feel alive. When I'm walking and just feeling how snow is cutting my face, eyes, lips, cheeks makes me feel alive because of the pain it's causing... Maybe I'm a freak, maybe more or less. But I like it. The same way I like Martial Arts, Boxing, Kickboxing, 50's-90's Music, Movies, Fast Cars, Hot Guys, Sweets and loads of other small and big details...

I suck at sticking to a schedule...

Is it really a big deal if I gave my gloves to a guy on New Year's Eve and he didn't gave them back till now... I still don't have my gloves. And I don't think I ever will, they're just probably already in a trash can. There's a really small chances that a guy, who is my Friends friend, and who gave her a looooot of roses will keep my gloves. One posibility - he's keepin' 'em because my Friend will have to go them. I should probably mention, that she thinks I'm an idiot because I was the one who 'made this mess' and 'now she has to clean it up'. But I'd like to respectfully disagree. Why did I mess up? I didn't. I enjoy the idea that some guy has my or had my gloves. It's an adventure for me. And really don't like being treated like a moron... I told several times. Stop worrying and throw them out. I don't care. But please, stop saynig that it's my fault, that I'm the one to blame. Yes. Yes it's My Fault. BUT I LIKE IT. It's not doing me anything bad. I'M ENJOYING this. Please. Stop seeing this as if it is a BAD thing. It's NOT. Ok? Thank you. Second posibility. He's a decent fellow and returns things which isn't his. Anyway. I like this gig. And this is all what matters for me. Thank you and good night...

Sleep easy... ;]

Last Minutes of Summer are just Tickin' away...

Everything has a beginning. Everything has an end.
September 1st is an end and a beginning at the same time. It's the End of the Summer. Beginning of another year at school. Doesn't matter how much I'd like to be happy on September 1st, I just can't. I have no happy memories on this day. I never want to go to school, I never want to sit in there from 8am till 3pm, I always hate when I don't understand something and no-one explains it to me, I hate getting up, 'cause I always feel cold in the morning, I'm always tired, I'm always upset, sad, hungry. I hate school. I never want to go there, because I don't have a good reason, I mean a really good reason to go and be there. I hate our countrys educational system. I hate mostly everything related to school. But I'm not here to tell you about what more I hate. I'm saying that, I'd like to see this 1st as a new opportunity to start some changes. However, I made the list, I was talking about earlier, or at least some of it, and it's more like a schedule... I had more things planned for me to change, but I forgot most of them, 'cause something happend.... The usual between me and mom.... I hope I'll remember. And I also hope, I'll see changes in me till this Christmas....

I had another hair cut. Now - I really look like a guy. When I don't have any hair gel in my hair. I always liked short hair styles, so I don't mind if I look bit diffrent...

I always liked Magic. All kind of Magic. HP one, the Middle ages Merlin magic, even card tricks. I like to believe in things that doesn't exist. I remember how I use to watch magic shows on TV, especially when they were showing magic shows from America, those kind were the best, 'cause you could see Magicians from around the world with their tricks. Even if it's all fake and just shams, I liked it and I still like it. 'The Prestige' reminded me about it. Prestige is a wonderful book and a great movie aswell. It was a long while since I read anything like it. But It was most definitely worth it. I wonder why do I like magic. 'Are you watching closely?' I'm trying to. But it still amazes me how the Hand can be faster then the Eye...

I want to make a list of things I need to start doing in oder to change things around here. I just thought about how I'm making a promise to myself, how for every promise I make a mark, so I won't forget about it. I'm afraid that like all my 'reality-related' thoughts can be forgoten as quickly as it came. I don't expect you people to understand. I know it seems ridiculous - everything what I write here. But I'm not writing because I expect to be 'heard', 'understood' or 'answered'. I write because it's the only way for me to make my thoughts materialized. I think of so many things. Who doesn't. But Sometimes I wish someone was near me to ask me what I'm thinking of now. I'd gladly share it. I'm scared because some of them never gets the chance to be heard. Not even on a piece of paper. I'd tried that. I believe last summer I was writting here about a few letters with 'conffesions'. I don't believe it worked much for me, 'cause I took them back after a few days. There was no words in 'em, 'cause the Rain washed the ink away. Well I did ask for 'a sign' for a new start, though. But I didn't take the fainted paper as a sign, I was hoping for the letters to be gone. Guess it's my biggest problem - I hope for more than I get. I only gave myself one promise - I won't drink. No alcohol. I gave this promise before or after my birthday somewhere between Christmas and New Year, I don't remember the year. But I said to myself, that I won't ever drink. And successfully I've been keeping this promise for several years now. I'm going to be eighteen by the end of the year. I think this is quite an achievement. I think it takes something big to convince me to make changes. Nothing yet happened to make my change myself that much. I change hair, clothes, earings, glasses but not the attitude, manners or the tone of my voice when I speak. I can't understand why is it so hard for me just to make a list of things I need to change?... Because I don't like the word 'need to'. I want me to want to change because it's what I want, not because others think it's what I need. All I need is to be heard. I just want that somebody could know everything about me. One Person. That's all.

'All I want is Evrything,
Am I asking too much?
All I want is Everything,
Like the feel of Your Touch...'

Am I asking to much?
Yes.
Prove me wrong.

' I'm scared. Scared as Hell... Why? Because I feel anger,envy, pain... I feel like that because I know, there are people out there - in the World, Who can take care of their lives. Not like me. People need to know how to handle me because I can't tell you that. I don't know. I feel hate. Someone out there is living, having fun, adventure, while I'm sitting in my room and getting Texts' , saying how great they are all doing with out me. That hurts. It does. I'm scared to live because I don't know how. I don't. I'm afraid now because, NOW I understand how 'Time Flies' Seriously. I'm afraid to wake up after 20 years and realise I'm the same 'Couch Potato' like I were. Am. I'm afraid. And nobody knows this. They may know that I'm scared of living a life, but they don't know why. I don't know if there is anybody who I'd like to tell this. ' - '11.8.1

I'm sitting now, now, right now, at this very moment infront of my PC, with my Blog open up on the screen, listening to a song, one song, over and over again. I'm trying to remember what I wanted to write after all this time. BUT I CAN'T. I can't concentrate, because SOMEBODY in the other room is trying to explain me who some poor tourist survived in The Jungle. If I wouldn't have what to do at the moment, it would be interesting, but now it's annoying!!!!!

You have no idea about what, who, how, where, when and why I am able to fantasize. When I'm fantasizing, I make myself believe it's hapining here and now. I start to believe in it, like it was true, no matter how stupid the fantasy may seem. But one thing I just can't make true to me. How I'm actually doing something about what I've been thinking of doing. I just think of it. And that's it. Reality becomes my fantasies and illusion becomes my reality. And It scares me. Reality becomes to boring for me. It's a disease. I don't think anyone has a cure for this one.

I feel down. I felt down. Till I went shopping. I bought two dresses and four pairs of earings. And you know what? I DO feel better now. Never thought that what they say about 'Shopping' could be true. But I sure hell do now! What are the odds that this could actually work for me. I mean I don't even like shopping. God, hope this doesn't mean anything.. Does it?... What the hell. I'm happy. For now. And it's all that matters. Right?

What happend tonight - perfect excuse for feeling down. But I'm not planning to write about it. It's not pretty, just know that I was in a real hysteria. The usual between me and mom... You have no idea how I wish that Guys and Boys and Men would be my ONLY problems.
Wish it was so easy...

This is an item I wrote few weeks back...

I'm not able to express my feelings or my thoughts. I've noticed that expressing 'unacceptable' emotions like 'anger' or showing disapproval is offten bad in my family and are put off very fast... So, I ask, don't know who, just do, Why does it surprise me that I offten don't say things I want? Why can't I say what I feel around people who knows me all my life? That is - my family. Because I'm scared... Everytime I get nervous or a bit angry I hear: 'Don't do that.' 'It's not acceptable.' 'You can't get angry.' 'It's not suitable for a girl to get angry and show it.' - All that to me mean one thing: 'Don't show you're emotions or feelings. You don't have the right to do that.' - I believe that anger is just another normal affection of something that doesn't please you, by getting angry I show that I'm irratated. I don't think I should explain it all the time, but I would really appreciate the option of having my condition shown - what I feel like at the moment even if it's just at that very moment. By saying stuff, like the ones I've mentioned there earlyer, doesn't help someone like me, whose shy, easy to hurt, closed... It just doesn't. And I'm sad at the moment because at this very moment it's only me who knows this.

A friend told me she reads this once in a while, though I had thoughts she doesn't. Basically she knows more than I would excpect her. Sorry. I didn't mean it like this. Thank you for not bringing THIS up when we meet.

I'm getting confused by my own thoughts. It really pisses me off, because I can open up fully on here, or any other writing surface... Why is it so hard for me to speak my mind? In my onw language? Why am I only good at expressing myself trough English?...... Here's a few more questions I have to find answers on my own. No help. Just me. I guess I should be use to handeling things on my own, but I'm not. I like to be taking care of. I like when somebody brings my a cup of tea or asks if they could to something for me in the moment. Though I never had the experience of the second thing, but it would be very nice if someone asked me something like it...

I can't understand why anger is such a bad feeling. It's just like joy or sadness. Bit spiecer though, but still. I don't care I'm a girl. If I'm feeling angry, I want to show it. I've already been hiding more feelings and emotions then I should. Don't know where it came from, but I have this , lets call it 'policy' - that I don't need to bother others because of problems I'm having. I realise now, that it's wrong. Just don't know how I could make a diffrence. I need someone like a Mentor, no matter that it sounds stupid, to show me how to overcome my fears and statments I made.

I made a wish today. I wished for 'someone who could help me change.' I tossted a pebble in to water after the wish. I want this sign to be my guarantee that the wish will come true. Somebody writes their wishes on to a piece of paper, sometimes even burns it, others asks the stars for help. I've decided to toss a pebble in to water.
I sometimes choose not to tell somebody something because I want that special something to be mine, just mine. Like a little secret. Now I think it's not that brilliant either. I just want something I could keep to myself , like memories I enjoy thinking of, for no logical reason at all... Does evrything has to have a reason? Why? Sometimes it's better not to know some things... Isn't it? C'mon....

It just came to me. I just realised what's happening...

I was watching The Series, and I saw something, something too similar to me... I can't get that out of my mind.... Not so fast at least... But the point is I realised how my subconscios works. For example: I offen like to say that others should be scared of me, that I'm not good enough, but it's all the way around, it's me who's scared of others, I'm affraid, that people isn't good enough. I creat my own world when I feel lonely or am just alone. I imagine Someone, like a Stranger or any other Character or Somebody I know and pretent they're next to me and that we're talking, usually I'm saying stuff I'd never say out loud, not that I'm talking about sex or anything like that. I know it's a problem, a huge one, but hey, I mentioned problems like a million time in here... The meaning is that I judge people before even talking to them, I wrote what happened with my mom when I tried talking, but I think I judged most of others I could talk to because I think I know what could happen if I tried. I got confused there myself... I don't want to talk to any persons I know because I can't start a conversation, and because they don't ask me questions I'd like to be asked, like instead of asking 'How's it going?' I'd prefer 'How are you feeling?' not meaning my health, but condition, how I feel about something what's important to me. Nobody asks me that... I'm afraid I ideal the reality way too much, that when I open up a window and take a breath of it, it almost kills me, 'cause it's not how I imagined... I feel safe at home, because I can creat my own reality at the time just like I want it to be... I don't want to go anywhere because I'm scared of disappointment... I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this alone, but I definitely need help with that... I have no idea who I can turn to with this... Maybe my best friend, but I feel It should be different. I think I want to believe I need something different. I can't,yes I can. I can admit so many things in here, it should count as a confession said out loud, but it doesn't, it's not.

It be really nice if someone asked me why am I looking down when I walk. Why I like the sky so much. Why I prefer night, snow, water. Why I think I'm not good enough for something or someone, for that matter. Why I hate something or somebody. Why do I keep myself in The obvious shell, behind the titanium door, sealed with chaines. Why am I like an Iceberg.
Someone tried that, I didn't give the chances.

I'm too naive to live inside the reality. I fall inlove with characters that are completely made up. I gaze at someone who doesn't even have a clue something like me existing, and I'm not talking about a handsome prince next door... I want my illusions to be true. I know it can't, but I'm so attached to it that I dream about things and people I want so offen, I got lost between the real, actual world, and my dreams. I want to be asleep as long as I can when I dream something nice, something I'd prefer to happen in a real life... I'm terrified with this. I'm freakin' out... I even start to compare Characters with real people in my life and when I find no mach I choose the illusion. Though I have recently discovered similarity to me and someone from my surrounding. I found quite a mach, at some parts. Not the whole thing. And This confuses my mind more than an average coincidence... The Illiusionist inside of me wants to believe that somehow I'm related to that, but my brain refuses to believe. So there you go, I'm ending in another dead-end with an a usual dilema in my head.
This is definitely not how I wanted this article to end....

Remember when I wrote about some series? Well... They got to me more then I excpected. And knowing me it's a problem. Somehow I see a part of me in the Characters. It's a bit difficult for me... Those series I'm watching, are reflecting what I want to see subconsciously. I mean, I don't know what the hell I mean... But everytime I see some of the reflection on the screen, I have thoughts that really seem important to me at the time... Too bad I don't write them down at that time, 'cause I got use to watching it in the dark at night. Yesterday night I tried to write a few phareses, but I only managed to write one... It was dark and the screen didn't give enough light to write. When I got to bed, I had more of the same thoughts. But, again, It was too dark to write, and I couldn't make some noise, because that would've woken up my parent...

So anyway, I was thinking.... Here's some of that:

' I don't need somebody whose willing to die for me just to prove his love to me. I'd prefer someone whose willing to kill for me, not because I said to, but because he would kill someone else for hurting me.
I'm not saying I'd enjoy that or am willing seriously for this, but knowing that somebody would kill someone just to make sure I'm safe - enough proof of their love to me.

Sometimes dying for someone isn't too bad, if you die trying to protect someone.

I never understood why guys are so into dying for girls they love. What's the point? You die - she lives, probably with someone else. Why give yourself away just to prove your truth? You prove it, but nothing changes, except that you're dead. But Life goes further, it doesn't stop. I think guys should be more foxused on living for their Loves', 'cause this is harder then just jumping on to spikes. Guys should be ready to give up anything except their lives for girls, they should want to be for the girl, to protect her, to stay with her, to stand by her, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to be with her and make sure she doesn't fall down, to catch her if she falls, to love her as much as he can, to worry about her when she's away, to give her experience she missed, to take care of her even if she can take care of herself, to show her the world trough his eyes, to make her believe in you, to make her trust you, to make her smile, laugh, feel safe, needed, wanted. '

I want to say so many things, but I just can't. It's not in my nature to grab the phone and text someone to meet me for a cup of tea or a walk 'round the neighborhood because I want to talk to somebody about what's on my mind... I hate myself...

Yesterday I had a small, very small chat with someone... I was interested in talking more but I wasn't able to develop a start for a normal conversation... Come to think about it, maybe the other person was trying that, but I was so stupid and didn't notice it... I didn't know if I have the right to ask about the persons incident more then the person told me. I really wanted to talk, I still do.... But I just can't generate the conversation, I'm the one who can join in to the chat, not start it...

Sunday. I'd tried to have a conversation about how I feel about present and future with my parent. Guess how it worked out? Right. Just brilliant. Of course I'm being sarcastic !!! I almost told her to go to hell. She can't understand me. How can I have a normal conversation if the person, sitting next to me, judges me after my fifth word. She calls me stupid, she says she wants to hit me and stuff like that... Why people are so fast at judging without hearing the other one first. I don't think there is anyone in my surroundings who would not judge me for my mind...

So, there you go. I can't have a normal talk with other people because everytime I try that, it doesn't work out very well... So don't be too surprised next time I tell something about a chat, being able not to have one, I mean... Okey, I'm totally lost... I hate this part When I start writing and forget what I wanted to say...

' - Well it's not the first time or the last, when THIS happens...
- Why do I get the feeling you're actually enjoying THIS...
- Why shouldn't I?- asks Sanity Brain, at surprisingly high tone...
- Well, a- because you ARE one of us, b- you ARE kinda resposible for Her activity at this and c- if you enjoy her absence here it's not too good for everyone: her, you even me plus everyone else...
- What do you mean?- says Sanity suspiciosly looking towards Brain- Are you messing with me? Because if you are, you know what I'm capable of doing, you haven't forgot the last time, have you?- threatenns Sanity.
- Too bad I DO remember THAT...- silently says Brain more to himslef then Sanity...- No, I'm not messing with you. You don't need my help to look like a fool around here, you're perfectly managing it by yourself- Sanity prepers to strick him and in a blick of an eye teleprorts over him- BUT! - shrieks Brain as hard as he can just before the impact - What I mean is that if you're seriously enjoing Her absence, we have a problem, because , like I said, you're resbonsible for her activity, meaning it's YOU, whose absent, not Her. And if this keeps up, you might start fade away, literally. So think about this- almost whispering tells Brain to Sanity, staring at The Nowhere of The Mind...
- It's..... It's My fault?.... '

It's Sunday afternoon in May, it's the last weekend of May. And I'm soooooooooooooooo bored...
I have this new 'crush' on a series about dead guys', investigation, relationships, science, a detective in other words. I watched a few series on cable and decided to download the first season and the rest to watch it, and I really like it. It's the second day I'm watching it. And I got bored just five minutes after I closed the player..... I get addicted to things too quickly... Yep, IT'S MY PROB and I know it, unfortunately... Now I don't want to do anything else just to watch the series and know more about fake lifes and characters OR I want to travel the world (or my own country, for starters) and do something... Anything interesting... I want to move, to act, to live, to know, to do... I want something new and exciting.....

Omg... I just realised It's been a year since I decided that I want to learn Spanish... My mom even got me a few books so I could learn, later I bought a huge dictionary, and a girl from my school gave me a book on practical grammar... I had and have everything I need to learn something I want, but all that stuff is just lieing around on my shelf.... I can't do simple things... What the hell was I thinking when I thought about buying a guitar..... And people say I'm not hopless....

It has been longer then a month I haven't been here.
When I opened the blog and loged on, I saw something new here - Statistics. I opened it. And the things I saw surprised me... I saw what countries reads my blog, and how many people. I was literally shocked... I never even thought about other people reading this shit I write. What's to talk about that they're from other countries....

Thanks.

So I started reading my old items... I felt weird... I can't understand how it's possible that I wrote all that... I mean, I know I just sad down, turned on my PC and wrote... But I can't figure out how all that happend.... Well. Never mind....

I got a hair cut. A really new one this time. It's two months I'm with it... And now I actually smile when I see myself in the mirror... Everyone likes it. SO, that's a good thing in my life...

I like someone... Don't worry, HE's a guy. He's nothing I've ever seen before.... Just different... The best thing about him, without his body, wich if I may is just hot, he's talking to me. But I like him just like I do with Argon. He's like a bro to me, I never had... Maybe no. He's something different. He has that something I don't and 'vise versa'. I even get bored spending time on my own, even more bored then usual... He's that somebody who can set me in motion, make me move, make me actually do something... Maybe he's what I was missing in my life all this time... I wish he is. But guess I'll just have to enjoy the fact that he exists... I think I can live with that... I mean, I can't make him to be with me and help me with my problems if he doesn't want to, and I'm 100% sure he doesn't, so I'll just have to be happy he's on the face of the Earth... He makes me laugh, we understand things, think sometimes almost alike, same age, and he's complitely not like me. He talks to me, messes with me and etc. but I still can't understand what is all that. Boredom? He's feeling sad for me? Just giving me attention? What? Flirt? Yeah right, like that will ever happen... Wish I could have his experience in all this...

I can't understand where is my head? Up in the coulds? Rolling down the hill? Running away from me? Driving safely and sending me 'xo'? Or is stuck in reality? Hek, I don't have a clue. Last night I came up that I want a guitar...

My items are getting shorter and shorter... I've GOT to fix this...

' - Says WHO ? - asks Sanity.
- Says She ! - says Brain.
- She? Oh really? Well, there's something you don't see every day while being stuck all your time inside HERE ! '

Oh, I've just remembered, few people told me today I should be a writer, but I don't think I could... Though I appreciate those words, but... I'll think about it...

Yeasterday I saw 'The Mummy', not the first time of course, but I enjoyed watching it.
Few weeks ago I spoke out loud how I (how I would feel of course) if I had a Boyfriend. To myself I spoke of course... I spend about an hour blabbering about my feelings around him, when he's with me, how I would feel in one or another situation with him and stuff like that, well you know. And yesterday after the movie I thought about what is true love for me. And I realised that there can't be anything more romantic than a Man risking his life to save a Woman he loves so he could hold her in his arms just one more time, just to feel the heat of her body and her hot lips on him one more time even if they won't survive to share their lifes for eternety... I realised how I would like to live in a movie, to go on an adventure, fight, seek danger, experience life... Love. Even just for a day I wish I could be at the times when the tombs where robbed, places discovered, secrets revealed, when there was even a small chance facing death itself and escaping... I'm so gullible you have no idea... I always imagend I was a worrior, sorcerer, fighter, that I can call the Spirits and talk to them, that I can shoot fire from my palms, lazer from eyes, that I'm faster then the light itself, all kind of stuff like that. I still do. I just can't help myself, I just need to day-dream... I know I know it's bad. So is drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. But I like it. It helps me to forget about the reality, the bad , the boredom, the worries I have and so much more... Though it's dragging me down, just like drugs. Honestly I confess. I , TEJA, AM AN ADICCT. Because I'm adiccted to too many things. Music. Dreams. Air. Water. Fire. Earth. Wind. Snow. Stars. Sky. Clouds. Laugh. Talks. People. Feelings...

' - 'And so many more...' How we are proud of you, ya over grown, lazy, useless ...
- ENOUGH!! - shouts Brain on Sanity.- I'm not listening to this crap...
- OH yeah?! - shrieks Sanity not letting Brain to finish,- Well it's not my fault if you don't want to listen to The Truth, even if it's more sour then a bucket of fresh squeezed lemons on a hot day of July !
- It's not truth, it's just something to make you feel better about yourself, because you can't except the fact that you're APART of US.
- Well I ... - sat Sanity in the Dark speechless watching Brain flow away slowly in to the Mist...

'I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien, I'm an Englishman in NewYork'...

Well I sure feel like a legal alien... I can't discribe or explaine my current condition.... The closest word would be - Lost... 'Lost Soul' - years ago It was my condition when I thought that no-one understands me.... But this time it's a bit different... I still think no-one understands me, but somehow I feel it's not like the last time... Back than I was depressed, now I'm not secure about what I want to do in life. What I want to study? What I whant to be? What kinda job I like.... And things like that.... But the point is - I don't think I want to study something, I don't think I want to work someplace..... I can't imagen myself living a social life... When people ask me about what I'm going to study, I often answer: 'I don't know', but one day I thought up a possible answer to this question, of course I only told it to my sister (she said it'll pass, but somehow I doubt it) and one of my friends (she as always made fun of me), the answer was something like this: 'I don't know, but I imagen myself studying something at evening lectures, afterwards going to a night job, maybe a bartender at a club or a waitress, something with a taste of a Nightlife, later getting back home early in the morning to get some sleep, waking up after 2pm in the noon and after having a satisfying breakfast and lunch at the same time, I think I would go shoping for food or just do something with my spare time till the lectures...' - That's who I imagen myself... I don't think it's stupid or reckless....


Next - I can't say how unspeakably I felt Friday night... I had a chance to feel, what it's like to sit on a man's laps... It's unspeakable... I can't discribe it.. I can't say what's it like to sit on your fathers laps, I can't say I remember sitting on my grandfrathers..... I was so enjoying it, that if I could've I would've stayed there, on his laps longer.... I realised what I was missing all those years.... I don't know what I could give to get a chance to do that again....


Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....................... I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it wrong for a Girl not to know what she wants?
Is it bad to think the one and say the other?
Is it a crime to hide the pain and put a mask with a smile on your face infront of your friends?
Is it wrong if you try not to make others worry?
Is it okey if you try not to hurt anyone?
Is it okey if you want something to be yours and only yours?
Is it wrong if you think it's better for you not to be involved in a relationship?
Is it illegal not to talk to anyone when you don't want to?
Is it against the law if you do something when you feel like it?
Is it an option if you refrain yourself from everything you desire?
Is it possible to reject everything and everyone all the time?
Is it madness to deny that you want, that you need warm and love?

....You tell me..

Moon's to die for Tonight....

I wish I was a Fish, so I could swim to the Deep.
I wish I was a Dish, so I could be Filled.
I wish I was a Bird, so I could Fly.
I wish I was a Wolf, so I could Cry.
I wish I was a Thing, so I could just Be.
I wish I was a Chair, so I could be Sat down to Rest.
I wish I was a Cat, so I could Walk.
I wish I was a Blank, so I could be Written.
I wish I was a Book, so I could be Red.
I wish I was a Cook, so I could cook.
I wish I was a Crook, so I could Steal.
I wish I was a Star, so I could Shine at the night.
I wish I was a Leaf, so I could Hang.
I wish I was a Pencil, so I could Write.
I wish I was a Brush, so I could Touch.
I wish I was a Rush, so I could be Felt.
I wish I was a Crush, so I could be Loved.
I wish I was a Hook, so I could be Hanged.
I wish I was a Ship, so I could Swim.
I wish I was a Plane, so I could be Flown.
I wish I was a Claim, so I could be Taken.
I wish I was a Train, so I could Move.
I wish I was a Way, so I could be Walked.
I wish I was a Sane, so I could be In.
I wish I was a Gift, so I could be Given.
I wish I was a Tree, so I could just Stand.
I wish I was a Light, so I could be Lighted.
I wish I was a Night, so I could Hang Over.
I wish I was a Cloud, so I could be up in the Sky.
I wish I was a Dime, so I could Bring Luck.
I wish I was a Breath, so I could be Breath In and Out.
I wish I was a Chaos, so I could be a Mix up.
I wish I was a Shake, so I could Wake up.
I wish I was a Snake, so I could Crawl.
I wish I was a Magic, so I could be a Miracle.
I wish I was a Rabbit, so I could be cute and cuddly.
I wish I was a Smile, so I could be Seen.
I wish I was a While, so I could Last.
I wish I was a Minute, so I could Tik Tok.
I wish I was a Blow, so I could Feel your skin.
I wish I was a Trust, so I could be True.
I wish I was a Need, so I could be Needed.
I wish I was a Sleep, so I could be Slept.
I wish I was a Cup, so I could be Drinked.
I wish I was a Drop, so I could Drop.
I wish I was a Rain, so I could Rain.
I wish I was a Tame, so I could be Tamed.
I wish I was a Wild, so I could be Wild.
I wish I was a Child, so I could be like a Trail.
I wish I was a Cry, so I could be Cried.
I wish I was a Try, so I could be Tried.
I wish I was a Howl, so I could be Howled.
I wish I was a Owl, so I could Howl.
I wish I was a Run, so I could be Run.
I wish I was a Stump, so I could be Stumped.
I wish I was a Walk, so I could be near you alone.
I wish I was a Clock, so I could Stop.
I wish I was a Lock, so I could Unlock.
I wish I was a Pinch, so I could Wake you up.
I wish I was a Hint, so I could be Found.
I wish I was a Sound, so I could be Heard.
I wish I was a Crowd, so I could be Around.
I wish I was a Noise, so I could Annoy.
I wish I was a Voice, so I could be Spoken.
I wish I was a Phone, so I could be Answered.
I wish I was a Stone, so I could Thrown.
I wish I was a Tide, so I could Rise.
I wish I was a Wide, so I could Rhymed.
I wish I was a Spark, so I could Sparkle.
I wish I was a Dark, so I could be Walked Into.
I wish I was a Grass, so I could Grow.
I wish I was a Word, so I could be Told.
I wish I was a Note, so I could be Written down.
I wish I was a Piece, so I could be Torn.
I wish I was a Dot, so I could be at the end.
I wish I was a Lot, so I could be More.
I wish I was a Small, so I could be One.
I wish I was a Push, so I could be Touched.
I wish I was a Pull, so I could be Pulled.
I wish I was a Door, so I could be Opened.
I wish I was a Floor, so I could be Stand on.
I wish I was a Fear, so I could be Faced.
I wish I was a Tear, so I could be Wipe Away.
I wish I was a String, so I could be Bound.
I wish I was a Drink, so I could be Poored.
I wish I was a Hate, so I could be Let Out.
I wish I was a Love, so I could be Let In.
I wish I was a Stream, so I could Flow.
I wish I was a Creek, so I could be Swum in.
I wish I was a Touch you feel.
I wish I was a Mess inside your Head.
I wish I was a Tack, so I could be your Guide.
I wish I was a Track you'd take.
I wish I was a Race you'd watch.
I wish I was a Morning when you sleep.
I wish I was a Space you look at.
I wish I was a Dream in your sleep.
I wish I was a Kick in the Target.
I wish I was a Hit, so I could be Hit.
I wish I was a Call, so I could be Called.
I wish I was a Doll, so I could be played with by a child.
I wish I was a Crawl, so I could be Crawled.
I wish I was a Jaw, so I could be used.
I wish I was a Net, so I could Catch.
I wish I was a Let, so I could be Let.
I wish I was a Laugh, so I could be Laughed.
I wish I was a Choise, so I could be Chosen.
I wish I was a Guess, so I could be Guessed.
I wish I was a Mind you think with.
I wish I was a Chance you'd take.
I wish I was a Rubber, so I could erase.
I wish I was a Glass, so I could be Broken.
I wish I was a Break, so I could Break.
I wish I was a Scarf on your Neck.
I wish I was a Glove on your Hand.
I wish I was a Thought in your Mind.
I wish I was a Cell you'd be in.
I wish I was a Safe you Lock.
I wish I was a Click you make.
I wish I was a Snick in you.
I wish I was a Lick of Taste.
I wish I was a Blaze you Hold.
I wish I was a Cold, so I could cool you down.
I wish I was a Color you see.
I wish I was a Hand, that is yours.
I wish I was a Shoulder to cry on.
I wish I was a Bullet, so I could be Shot.
I wish I was a Speed, so I could be Speeded Up.
I wish I was a Wish, so I could be wished by You.
I wish I was a Storm outside.
I wish I was a Snow on you.
I wish I was a Cut made by you.
I wish I was a Knife you Are.
I wish I was a ....

I wish I was a Fish.
I wish I was a Dish.
I wish I was a Bird.
I wish I was a Wolf.
I wish I was a Thing.
I wish I was a Chair.
I wish I was a Cat.
I wish I was a Blank.
I wish I was a Book.
I wish I was a Cook.
I wish I was a Crook.
I wish I was a Star.
I wish I was a Leaf.
I wish I was a Pencil.
I wish I was a Brush.
I wish I was a Rush.
I wish I was a Crush.
I wish I was a Hook.
I wish I was a Ship.
I wish I was a Plane.
I wish I was a Claim.
I wish I was a Train.
I wish I was a Way.
I wish I was a Sane.
I wish I was a Gift.
I wish I was a Tree.
I wish I was a Light.
I wish I was a Night.
I wish I was a Cloud.
I wish I was a Dime.
I wish I was a Breath.
I wish I was a Chaos.
I wish I was a Shake.
I wish I was a Snake.
I wish I was a Magic.
I wish I was a Rabbit.
I wish I was a Smile.
I wish I was a While.
I wish I was a Minute.
I wish I was a Blow.
I wish I was a Trust.
I wish I was a Need.
I wish I was a Sleep.
I wish I was a Cup.
I wish I was a Drop.
I wish I was a Rain.
I wish I was a Tame.
I wish I was a Wild.
I wish I was a Child.
I wish I was a Cry.
I wish I was a Try.
I wish I was a Howl.
I wish I was a Owl.
I wish I was a Run.
I wish I was a Stump.
I wish I was a Walk.
I wish I was a Clock.
I wish I was a Lock.
I wish I was a Pinch.
I wish I was a Hint.
I wish I was a Sound.
I wish I was a Crowd.
I wish I was a Noise.
I wish I was a Voice.
I wish I was a Phone.
I wish I was a Stone.
I wish I was a Tide.
I wish I was a Wide.
I wish I was a Spark.
I wish I was a Dark.
I wish I was a Grass.
I wish I was a Word.
I wish I was a Note.
I wish I was a Piece.
I wish I was a Dot.
I wish I was a Lot.
I wish I was a Small.
I wish I was a Push.
I wish I was a Pull.
I wish I was a Door.
I wish I was a Floor.
I wish I was a Fear.
I wish I was a Tear.
I wish I was a String.
I wish I was a Drink.
I wish I was a Hate.
I wish I was a Love.
I wish I was a Stream.
I wish I was a Creek.
I wish I was a Touch.
I wish I was a Mess.
I wish I was a Tack.
I wish I was a Track.
I wish I was a Race.
I wish I was a Morning.
I wish I was a Space.
I wish I was a Dream.
I wish I was a Kick.
I wish I was a Hit.
I wish I was a Call.
I wish I was a Doll.
I wish I was a Crawl.
I wish I was a Jaw.
I wish I was a Net.
I wish I was a Let.
I wish I was a Laugh.
I wish I was a Choise.
I wish I was a Guess.
I wish I was a Mind.
I wish I was a Chance.
I wish I was a Rubber.
I wish I was a Glass.
I wish I was a Break.
I wish I was a Scarf.
I wish I was a Glove.
I wish I was a Thought.
I wish I was a Cell.
I wish I was a Safe.
I wish I was a Click.
I wish I was a Snick.
I wish I was a Lick.
I wish I was a Blaze.
I wish I was a Cold.
I wish I was a Color.
I wish I was a Hand.
I wish I was a Shoulder.
I wish I was a Bullet.
I wish I was a Speed.
I wish I was a Wish.
I wish I was a Storm.
I wish I was a Snow.
I wish I was a Cut.
I wish I was a Knife.
I wish I was a ....