'I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien, I'm an Englishman in NewYork'...

Well I sure feel like a legal alien... I can't discribe or explaine my current condition.... The closest word would be - Lost... 'Lost Soul' - years ago It was my condition when I thought that no-one understands me.... But this time it's a bit different... I still think no-one understands me, but somehow I feel it's not like the last time... Back than I was depressed, now I'm not secure about what I want to do in life. What I want to study? What I whant to be? What kinda job I like.... And things like that.... But the point is - I don't think I want to study something, I don't think I want to work someplace..... I can't imagen myself living a social life... When people ask me about what I'm going to study, I often answer: 'I don't know', but one day I thought up a possible answer to this question, of course I only told it to my sister (she said it'll pass, but somehow I doubt it) and one of my friends (she as always made fun of me), the answer was something like this: 'I don't know, but I imagen myself studying something at evening lectures, afterwards going to a night job, maybe a bartender at a club or a waitress, something with a taste of a Nightlife, later getting back home early in the morning to get some sleep, waking up after 2pm in the noon and after having a satisfying breakfast and lunch at the same time, I think I would go shoping for food or just do something with my spare time till the lectures...' - That's who I imagen myself... I don't think it's stupid or reckless....


Next - I can't say how unspeakably I felt Friday night... I had a chance to feel, what it's like to sit on a man's laps... It's unspeakable... I can't discribe it.. I can't say what's it like to sit on your fathers laps, I can't say I remember sitting on my grandfrathers..... I was so enjoying it, that if I could've I would've stayed there, on his laps longer.... I realised what I was missing all those years.... I don't know what I could give to get a chance to do that again....


Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....................... I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!