Remember when I wrote about some series? Well... They got to me more then I excpected. And knowing me it's a problem. Somehow I see a part of me in the Characters. It's a bit difficult for me... Those series I'm watching, are reflecting what I want to see subconsciously. I mean, I don't know what the hell I mean... But everytime I see some of the reflection on the screen, I have thoughts that really seem important to me at the time... Too bad I don't write them down at that time, 'cause I got use to watching it in the dark at night. Yesterday night I tried to write a few phareses, but I only managed to write one... It was dark and the screen didn't give enough light to write. When I got to bed, I had more of the same thoughts. But, again, It was too dark to write, and I couldn't make some noise, because that would've woken up my parent...

So anyway, I was thinking.... Here's some of that:

' I don't need somebody whose willing to die for me just to prove his love to me. I'd prefer someone whose willing to kill for me, not because I said to, but because he would kill someone else for hurting me.
I'm not saying I'd enjoy that or am willing seriously for this, but knowing that somebody would kill someone just to make sure I'm safe - enough proof of their love to me.

Sometimes dying for someone isn't too bad, if you die trying to protect someone.

I never understood why guys are so into dying for girls they love. What's the point? You die - she lives, probably with someone else. Why give yourself away just to prove your truth? You prove it, but nothing changes, except that you're dead. But Life goes further, it doesn't stop. I think guys should be more foxused on living for their Loves', 'cause this is harder then just jumping on to spikes. Guys should be ready to give up anything except their lives for girls, they should want to be for the girl, to protect her, to stay with her, to stand by her, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to be with her and make sure she doesn't fall down, to catch her if she falls, to love her as much as he can, to worry about her when she's away, to give her experience she missed, to take care of her even if she can take care of herself, to show her the world trough his eyes, to make her believe in you, to make her trust you, to make her smile, laugh, feel safe, needed, wanted. '

I want to say so many things, but I just can't. It's not in my nature to grab the phone and text someone to meet me for a cup of tea or a walk 'round the neighborhood because I want to talk to somebody about what's on my mind... I hate myself...

Yesterday I had a small, very small chat with someone... I was interested in talking more but I wasn't able to develop a start for a normal conversation... Come to think about it, maybe the other person was trying that, but I was so stupid and didn't notice it... I didn't know if I have the right to ask about the persons incident more then the person told me. I really wanted to talk, I still do.... But I just can't generate the conversation, I'm the one who can join in to the chat, not start it...

Sunday. I'd tried to have a conversation about how I feel about present and future with my parent. Guess how it worked out? Right. Just brilliant. Of course I'm being sarcastic !!! I almost told her to go to hell. She can't understand me. How can I have a normal conversation if the person, sitting next to me, judges me after my fifth word. She calls me stupid, she says she wants to hit me and stuff like that... Why people are so fast at judging without hearing the other one first. I don't think there is anyone in my surroundings who would not judge me for my mind...

So, there you go. I can't have a normal talk with other people because everytime I try that, it doesn't work out very well... So don't be too surprised next time I tell something about a chat, being able not to have one, I mean... Okey, I'm totally lost... I hate this part When I start writing and forget what I wanted to say...

' - Well it's not the first time or the last, when THIS happens...
- Why do I get the feeling you're actually enjoying THIS...
- Why shouldn't I?- asks Sanity Brain, at surprisingly high tone...
- Well, a- because you ARE one of us, b- you ARE kinda resposible for Her activity at this and c- if you enjoy her absence here it's not too good for everyone: her, you even me plus everyone else...
- What do you mean?- says Sanity suspiciosly looking towards Brain- Are you messing with me? Because if you are, you know what I'm capable of doing, you haven't forgot the last time, have you?- threatenns Sanity.
- Too bad I DO remember THAT...- silently says Brain more to himslef then Sanity...- No, I'm not messing with you. You don't need my help to look like a fool around here, you're perfectly managing it by yourself- Sanity prepers to strick him and in a blick of an eye teleprorts over him- BUT! - shrieks Brain as hard as he can just before the impact - What I mean is that if you're seriously enjoing Her absence, we have a problem, because , like I said, you're resbonsible for her activity, meaning it's YOU, whose absent, not Her. And if this keeps up, you might start fade away, literally. So think about this- almost whispering tells Brain to Sanity, staring at The Nowhere of The Mind...
- It's..... It's My fault?.... '