It just came to me. I just realised what's happening...

I was watching The Series, and I saw something, something too similar to me... I can't get that out of my mind.... Not so fast at least... But the point is I realised how my subconscios works. For example: I offen like to say that others should be scared of me, that I'm not good enough, but it's all the way around, it's me who's scared of others, I'm affraid, that people isn't good enough. I creat my own world when I feel lonely or am just alone. I imagine Someone, like a Stranger or any other Character or Somebody I know and pretent they're next to me and that we're talking, usually I'm saying stuff I'd never say out loud, not that I'm talking about sex or anything like that. I know it's a problem, a huge one, but hey, I mentioned problems like a million time in here... The meaning is that I judge people before even talking to them, I wrote what happened with my mom when I tried talking, but I think I judged most of others I could talk to because I think I know what could happen if I tried. I got confused there myself... I don't want to talk to any persons I know because I can't start a conversation, and because they don't ask me questions I'd like to be asked, like instead of asking 'How's it going?' I'd prefer 'How are you feeling?' not meaning my health, but condition, how I feel about something what's important to me. Nobody asks me that... I'm afraid I ideal the reality way too much, that when I open up a window and take a breath of it, it almost kills me, 'cause it's not how I imagined... I feel safe at home, because I can creat my own reality at the time just like I want it to be... I don't want to go anywhere because I'm scared of disappointment... I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this alone, but I definitely need help with that... I have no idea who I can turn to with this... Maybe my best friend, but I feel It should be different. I think I want to believe I need something different. I can't,yes I can. I can admit so many things in here, it should count as a confession said out loud, but it doesn't, it's not.

It be really nice if someone asked me why am I looking down when I walk. Why I like the sky so much. Why I prefer night, snow, water. Why I think I'm not good enough for something or someone, for that matter. Why I hate something or somebody. Why do I keep myself in The obvious shell, behind the titanium door, sealed with chaines. Why am I like an Iceberg.
Someone tried that, I didn't give the chances.

I'm too naive to live inside the reality. I fall inlove with characters that are completely made up. I gaze at someone who doesn't even have a clue something like me existing, and I'm not talking about a handsome prince next door... I want my illusions to be true. I know it can't, but I'm so attached to it that I dream about things and people I want so offen, I got lost between the real, actual world, and my dreams. I want to be asleep as long as I can when I dream something nice, something I'd prefer to happen in a real life... I'm terrified with this. I'm freakin' out... I even start to compare Characters with real people in my life and when I find no mach I choose the illusion. Though I have recently discovered similarity to me and someone from my surrounding. I found quite a mach, at some parts. Not the whole thing. And This confuses my mind more than an average coincidence... The Illiusionist inside of me wants to believe that somehow I'm related to that, but my brain refuses to believe. So there you go, I'm ending in another dead-end with an a usual dilema in my head.
This is definitely not how I wanted this article to end....