This is an item I wrote few weeks back...

I'm not able to express my feelings or my thoughts. I've noticed that expressing 'unacceptable' emotions like 'anger' or showing disapproval is offten bad in my family and are put off very fast... So, I ask, don't know who, just do, Why does it surprise me that I offten don't say things I want? Why can't I say what I feel around people who knows me all my life? That is - my family. Because I'm scared... Everytime I get nervous or a bit angry I hear: 'Don't do that.' 'It's not acceptable.' 'You can't get angry.' 'It's not suitable for a girl to get angry and show it.' - All that to me mean one thing: 'Don't show you're emotions or feelings. You don't have the right to do that.' - I believe that anger is just another normal affection of something that doesn't please you, by getting angry I show that I'm irratated. I don't think I should explain it all the time, but I would really appreciate the option of having my condition shown - what I feel like at the moment even if it's just at that very moment. By saying stuff, like the ones I've mentioned there earlyer, doesn't help someone like me, whose shy, easy to hurt, closed... It just doesn't. And I'm sad at the moment because at this very moment it's only me who knows this.

A friend told me she reads this once in a while, though I had thoughts she doesn't. Basically she knows more than I would excpect her. Sorry. I didn't mean it like this. Thank you for not bringing THIS up when we meet.

I'm getting confused by my own thoughts. It really pisses me off, because I can open up fully on here, or any other writing surface... Why is it so hard for me to speak my mind? In my onw language? Why am I only good at expressing myself trough English?...... Here's a few more questions I have to find answers on my own. No help. Just me. I guess I should be use to handeling things on my own, but I'm not. I like to be taking care of. I like when somebody brings my a cup of tea or asks if they could to something for me in the moment. Though I never had the experience of the second thing, but it would be very nice if someone asked me something like it...

I can't understand why anger is such a bad feeling. It's just like joy or sadness. Bit spiecer though, but still. I don't care I'm a girl. If I'm feeling angry, I want to show it. I've already been hiding more feelings and emotions then I should. Don't know where it came from, but I have this , lets call it 'policy' - that I don't need to bother others because of problems I'm having. I realise now, that it's wrong. Just don't know how I could make a diffrence. I need someone like a Mentor, no matter that it sounds stupid, to show me how to overcome my fears and statments I made.

I made a wish today. I wished for 'someone who could help me change.' I tossted a pebble in to water after the wish. I want this sign to be my guarantee that the wish will come true. Somebody writes their wishes on to a piece of paper, sometimes even burns it, others asks the stars for help. I've decided to toss a pebble in to water.
I sometimes choose not to tell somebody something because I want that special something to be mine, just mine. Like a little secret. Now I think it's not that brilliant either. I just want something I could keep to myself , like memories I enjoy thinking of, for no logical reason at all... Does evrything has to have a reason? Why? Sometimes it's better not to know some things... Isn't it? C'mon....