Sorry

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Aaaaarrrruuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I just want to hoooooowwwwwlll !!!! I'm screaming inside and I would sooooo like to scream outside... Too bad I can't... Well... I guess I'll just have to wait for a chance... Hope it wouldn't take too long... Cause I'll lose my mind !!! ;DDD
Next thought - I finally have a new cell and at the end of the week I'll have a bank credit card. My very own money.. UUhh I can't wait ;DDD But, I'll have to.
Okay,what else? I'm lonely. As usual. Hey, it's my life...

"It's my liiiiiife It's now or neveeeeeer I ain't gonna live for eveeeeer..."

Like that ;DDD Well, part of it ;DD
Give me a moment... I missed chating. Thank You, you still remember me ;DDD

" - It's so boring in here. What do you do here all this time? Nothing? - asks Fun Sanity and Brain.
- Yeah! - answers both.
- Oh my stars..."

"If you don't like it. Leave it"

Not a bad idea,if you have what to do. I came up with a reasonable conclusion in this situation : I can leave it on Wednesday and come back on Monday. That's a great way to work it out. Ain't it? ;D

" - Yeah. It's a good idea. It would be even better if you only left in that lesson, and came back later. - says Sanity to Brain.
- That's not going to work. It will be more trouble this way. - says Brain.
- Hmmm... Hate to say it. But. You're God damn right... "

What, you think it's funny ?

Well I don't think so. You're mocking me here, and it's getting really boring !!! Why in the name what all is pure you're doing this to me ?... What ? I'm not good enough for ya ? Huh ? Is that the reason ?... Well guess what ! I'm not planing to change. Yeah, you got that right. What ? Not good ? I DON'T CARE !!! Just like you don't about me, I don't about you. You know why ? I think you wanna know. Well it's because you're not helping me at all. You're just making everything worse, like I need that ! What, you think it's a coincidence that exactly today I watched situations with fathers and their kids? First that so called teen-heroes "the Simpsons" - Homer makes a bet against Lisa, and he wins. Lisa finds out and gets angry with him. Then, she decides that she doesn't have a father anymore, and changes her name from Lisa Simpson to Lisa Bouvier [if I remember right]. What do you know. Homer get's upset and finds a way to apologize. I'm thinking. Even an idiot like this cartoon character is created like a person, father, who cares about his kid. Next tought. If even Homer can apologize, and do someting usefull for his daughter. Why can't my father [I can't believe I'm saying this] be more like Homer, in this situation ?... Second. I'm surfing trough the channels and I stop at an animated film "The Wild". Once again I'm facing this "father son" times, where daddy tries everything to save his little boy. One thing I can't get. How come every single time when I'm seeing something like it, I'm always getting upset... I mean. I know it's just a movie, a film, a cartoon... But it just hurts me so much when I see what fathers can do for their children... I never knew what it's like to have a father. But I would really like that... Unfortunetly for me it's impossible like the french would say. I never had. And I never will.
But what hurts me here the most. Is that name change. If Lisa could, why can't I ? My mom always said "you and me, and the dog #laughing#, we are one family"... So if we're one family, why I need to be Salytė if she's Meškaitė and I also want to be Meškaitė. Why ? Just because she says so ? It's always been that way. I'm tired of it. It's not fair. Removing this block would make me happier. I can't get why she doesn't understand this ? It's not hard. Is it ?...

" - Well, what do you think miss "Know it all" ? - asks Brain Sanity. - Is it?...
- Ofcourse... It's... Not... I think. - answers she with doubt in her voice. - But on the other hand...
- Oh, don't you start again !! - shrieks the Heart, for the first time so hard. - It's not so hard to understand. She's just like a child, doesn't want to hear anything more. "No" and final. - wisely speaks Heart.
- Yes, we all know that. - shows herself the Conscience. - It just takes a little bit time, that's all.
- Well time is something we ain't got, - speaks his mind Brain, - if we'll wait a bit longer she'll turn eighteen, and it will be over after that for good. But we want, we need this NOW ! "

Is there anyone who can listen to me!

I am soooo pissed off [I don't know how to write that word, I hope it's the right one] that I can't even write normally... If it wasn't for the opened window and the TV I could write more clearly. But I just need to feel that feeling like someone's here, with me. For so long I've been alone, that I can't even stay in the room alone without the TV or music turned on. Mom works hard. I know that. She's sacrificing herself because of me, she wants me to a have o good life. Thanks mom. But the thing is, that she's so busy with all that work that she doesn't see how I'm doing NOW. Not after five six years, not later, not tomorrow, not someday.NOW. I want her to see how I'm doing now... She only thinks about my future, leaving me no opportunities to think about it myself. God damn it! I'm tired playing this game "Shut up now, talk never". It ain't right. All I want is for her to listen to me. Is that too much to ask? Huh? I'm asking you... This is soooo not fair. But hey. Life's not fair !!! At least this saying is right. I still have one question hanging in my mind.
Why I need to torture myself over some stupid things if it's killing me form the inside just because they says I must do that? It's like "Simon says" game. They says, we do. Ok ok. I know in some way we need all that stuff, it's part of our lifes, actually it is our life, for now, but that doesn't mean that we need to suffer because of that. I always thought that all that happens will help us live an easier life, the good things I mean. Teachers teach us and they suppose to teach how to make something what is difficult more easier than it is. You know what I'm saying? Well whatever. The point is, that the School should help us by showing us the lighter and less difficult ways in the start of living. Why can't we just change a few thing so it would be more comfortable for us to go, be and do everything there. Ok I admit. I'm speaking in plural when I mean only myself. All this what I wrote. It's about me. Yeah I know I'm an egoistic selfish person, there are more people with a lot bigger problems then me. But this is big for me. If the things that are happening now will go on then I'm seriously going to lose my mind. For real this time. Or better yet. I'll kill myself. That could be one [hopefully the last] of the solutions. It would be the last outgo for my mother, just to pay for my funeral and then she could stop worrying about my future so much. My grandmother doesn't like me anyway, grandfather would be drunk, so he wouldn't even notice. Maybe my sister would be a little bit sad. Father? He doesn't care about me now, and he will not do that later. What else I got? Right. My gang. Two of three girls would be sad, I think, but the third one...I don't think so. Sure a lot of them, people, I've been staying with, would be sad about it, but they'll get over it quickly. Anyone else? Ahh. Right. My class. No one cares about me now and no one will later, they'll just think that I moved to another city, like I'm [means my mom only] am planing to. So there. If I die, nobody will have any trouble with my again, except those how have to bury me, but even that would not take long. So that's the last option in my list, and I really wish she's staying there, at the end of the list. First option would be - getting my out of that sick German class and putting me into English and locking me up there. For starters. Next my mom could finally change my last name from Salytė to Meškaitė, that would really make me happy. At the begining it would be nice if my mother would start listening to me so I could TELL HER ALL THIS SH#T I'VE BEEN WRITING HERE ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!!!
Damn it... Am I asking too much?...

" - Yes you are! - says Sanity and Brain in chorus."

Here at last.

Funny. But I kinda missed this place. Ironic, don't you think? Cause I abandoned my diary long time ago... The reason I'm back is that, suddenly I felt like writing into my notebook on a piece of paper with a pen. While writing I haven't noticed that I'm writing lines, like real lines. Something like a poem, I don't know. I just felt like writing like that - lines. And I felt real good when I ended. These are second lines, I wrote yesterday.

Shining trough the trees
Is the silver moon
At the darkest night
Above us too
Let us stay
Let us feel
All that magic here
Or other way we’ll
Just go away
Into the deepest
Shadow that
Cruel world is called
But maybe we’ll get lost
Wondering about it
Or maybe we’ll get caught
Just for being there
But what I’m saying
You are staying
I am leaving
Cause this is not the chance
It’s not my life
It is just a dream I like to live
But I don’t have the time
Reality is killing me
My mind is weak
My heart is beat
I’m so confused
I can not tell
I need someone
To help me live
Just a friend
That I can trust
The real friend
Who would not judge
I’m sinking in my thoughts
I’m losing all that what is called my soul
I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to do
I don’t need a lover just a friend
A thing I can call my best adviser
Stop
I’m lying
I need a friend
And lover too
But that’s too much to ask
Cause friend you can trust
Is that lover you can love
Without the fear of losing it
Or is it the other way around
The lover you love
Is that friend you can trust
Without the fear of losing it
No
It’s not the other way around
It’s the first way
First a friend then a lover
If you work it out in the right way
But if not
Well
Then his just a Friend
Wish I could have him
I know my wish is huge
It’s what I do
I dream and dream
I never stop
I think I’m lost
But I’m not
My God I don’t know what I’m writing here
Over and over again
I’m saying the same
Guess I’m crazier
Then thought I was
Hey
That’s what happens
When you’re sixteen
And alone
Talking with walls
Staring at the ceiling
Can get you out of your mind
Trust me on that one
Guess I’ll better go
Before I start again
I started with the silver shining moon
And ending with the sorrow of my soul

I think it's a keeper ;] See ya around ;]

" - Yet again you prove, that you're an idiot! - says the Sanity.
- Oh would you just shut that pie hole you call mouth?! - answers Brain.- It's already hard enough without you, ok? - tells he with one breath, and silently flows away into the darkness of the Mind. My Mind"