Life's not fair. Why? 'Cause it's just the way it is? Just because it's the way it is, doesn't mean it's the way it should be. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not how it suppose to be, but it still is. Why? Because God wants? I don't believe in him. Fate? Could be. But why? Just please somebody tell me, Why Life's Not Fair. Simple answer. No God. Please. If you have it, lets hear it. If no. Don't say anything. At all. Except, if you badly want, tell me, that I've Lost My Mind. 'Cause after you'll read this, you'll probably think I'm out of sanity, a psycho or something like it. If you want to see a real psycho, go to the mental or just watch American Psycho, now he's really crazy. Me? I'm just a Lost Soul, that's looking for some answers in meaning of life, if there is a meaning. One last thing. I promise. All of you that know me long enough, if you'll read this, you'll think "she's sooo pessimistic, as always, nothing new" Yes. I'm a pessimist and it's not a secret. But now. At this very moment I'm just sad. Don't interpret this as it's my life I'm talking about. 'Cause it's not. My life is at blogspot.com. I'm feeling sad for some people and I just want to know why this or that happend to them... So there...
Thank You and Good Night.

'10.7.19

Jeigu nieko nesugebat pasakyti gero į akis reikiamu momentu, tai ir nekalbėkit tada ir už akių. Užkniso mane šitas mėšlas.Varyt į akis kiekvienas pusprotis ir nevisprotis mandras. O vat ką nors gero pasakyt - nėr drąsuolių. Už akių visi ereliai. Kaip turiu gyvent normalų gyvenimą jei nė vienas (neskaitant tų, kurie sugeba dar išlement gerą žodį, DĖKUI Jums) į akis nieko nesugebat gero pasakyt. Tik varyt. AČIŪ! Labai padedat gyvent man. Oi stebisi kiti kokia aš čia "kompleksuota", kai tokia "gera, maloni ir faina mergaitė" esu - eikit jūs velniop!! Rimtai - valinkit NX nuo manęs kuo toliau !!! Nesugebat į akis visko pasakyt tai nieko tada vapše nesakykit. Dzin absiol ką jūs manot. Lietuvių suknista mada - į akis peikt, už akių - girt. Apsiverskit jūs ten stati ! Iš vis - nerūpiu jums - netaisykit minų, kad rūpiu. Neįdomu kaip laikaus - gyva ar mirus - tai ir nevaidinkit, kad rūpi. Tylit - tylėkit. Atsibodot negyvai. Jei nebijočiau taip mirties eičiau žudytis. Rimtai. Nemanipuliuoju ir nejuokauju. Manęs jau seniai galėjo nebebūti. Bet kažkur pasąmonėje kirbėjo viltis. O juk ji miršta paskutinė. Guess what - I'm sick off it !!! OFF EVERYTHING !!!

Negi taip sunku suprasti - kad aš nelaiminga skaito visi kaip iš knygos. O KO AŠ NORIU TAI PAŽODŽIUI IR PARAIDŽIUI REIK AIŠKINT !! UŽKNISOT IKI PASKUTINIO GYVO KAULO !! Tik šiek tiek atvirumo, nuoširdumo, švelnumo, originalaus paprastumo. Tik tiek tenoriu. That's all. Kuo tuoliau, tuo labiau atrodo, kad sapnuoju košmarą. O kaip norėčiau pabusti ! HELP ME !! Kasnakt bijau užmigti ir sapnuoti, nes pabusti vėliau dar labiau bijau. Mane gąsdina realybė labiau nei siaubekas vidurnakty tamsiame kambaryje, žiūrint vienai pačiai. Veltui naktim nemiegu, ašaras lieju. Atsibodo apsimetinėt tuom kuom nesu. O KAS AŠ ESU IKI ŠIOL NEŽINAU !! IŠ PROTO VARO !! Viskas mane žudo, bet taip ir nepribaigia. O GAILA !! Aš nenormali. Nėra galios, kuri paneiktų tai.

Kada gi pagaliau užbaigsiu šitą kankynę - savo gyvenimą...?...

If anyone is reading this. I don't care. Yes or no and who. I don't.

Toma. Jei skaitai - Dėkui Tau, kad esi mano draugė. Mano priešingybė - laiminga optimistė, su normaliu gyvenimu, mylinčia šeima ir kitais artimaisiais, giminaičiais, draugais. Aš sutikčiau mirti jei bent diena galėčiau būti tokia laiminga ir turėti visa tai. Dėkui ir už tą praleistą laiką Tavo šeimoje. It means a lot. And Thanks to You foks of this familie too...(hug).

Agne. Tau ačiū už tai, kad tiesiog esi mano draugė. Tu ir turi tai ko aš pavydžiu jums - normalią šeimą..(hug).

Vika. Tau Sūka ačiū už tai, kad parodei kas esi. Jei po beveik dešimt metų draugystės sugebėjai tris paras mane durnint apsimetus vaikinu, kuris man tada rūpėjo. Ir jei pameni, kad kai norėjai, kad atleisčiau, aš tau sakiau - "Nori, kad atleisčiau - pasikeisk numerį, kad ŠITO daugiau akyse nematyčiau, tada atleisiu." O tu kale, iki šiol tebenaudoji numerį šitą sėkmingai toliau - tai tau blet nieko neturiu ką pasakyt.

Domantukai, ačiū tau, kad esi toks mažas džentelmenas. Geras vaikis tu. Respektas..(hug).

Monika, sis. Thanks for being..(hug).

Mam, na ką. Tau už viską ačiū labiausiai. Už tą vargą, kurį tau sukeliu - Atsiprašau. Nesu, nebuvau ir nebūsiu tikrai niekad tokia pat kaip ir tu. Atleisk. Mes kaip diena ir naktis. Tu - diena. Aš - naktis. Nors pagal išvaizdą kitaip atrodo. I'm sorry. I really am..(hug).

Ramūnai. Dėkui už tuos pokalbių vakarus visus metus. 365-ias ir daugiau dienų kai parašai. Patinki tu man. Tarsi vyresnysis brolis. Sorry. Taip yra. But still - Thanks. xo. Vienintelis dar suprantantis ko noriu iš pašnekovo, net jei ir nežinai to pats.(hug).

Mindaugai. Na kaip tavęs nepaminėsiu - "meile". Kaip ten su ta meile iš tikro buvo ar yra, matyt taip ir liks neišaiškinta. Bet vis tiek ačiū tau už anuos pokalbius. Bojau. Pameni kaip pasaką kūrei apie "bojų, kurmį, asilą" ir dar lygtais kažką. Aš pamenu. Smagu tąnakt buvo. Kodėl nebesišnekam kaip anksčiau? Tiesa. Aš viską suknisau Tą Naktį. Atleisk..(hug).

Dovydai. Tu pasiutėli. Nu gi ačiū už mėlynes ant kūno. Aš nesityčioju. Rimtai ačiū..(hug).

Dei. Je ne tavo "Kupranugario memuarai" tuomet, prieš gerus pusantrų metų - niekad nebūčiau atsikleidus savo beverčių rašytojos gabumų. Šiaip Tau Dėkui už tai, kad susibendravom, gaila neilgam..(hug).

Klase - ačiū už tuos suėstus nervų metus nuo pirmos iki aštuntos klasės. Čia ironija. Va čia rimtai - ačiū už paskutinius geriausius metus su jumis. Nesidžiaukit. Dėkoju ne visiems. Merginos - ačiū, kad bendravot su manim. Sorry, kad tada nepavyko ką planavot dėl manęs. But Thanks. You too - Nervyterį..(hug).

Ačiū tiem, kurie šiaip bendravot su manim valandą, dieną, parą, savaitę, mėnesį. Dalius, Dainius, Audrius, Eiris, Vilius, Edvinas, Andrius, Vaikinas iš Kuršenų, "Pakeleiviai" iš kitų LTU kampelių, visi Mindaugai, Kestai, Modžiai, ir likę, kurių nebeišneša mano atmintis..(hug).

Fausta - padruške. Kaip aš be tavęs. Gi tau Dėkui už tai. Kad esi. Mano draugė ir kad tiesiog esi..(hug).

Močiūt - ačiū, kad išmokinai siūt ir plaukt. Daugiau nieko. Tu daugiau sveiko proto kainuoji ir nervų nei bet kas kitas. O patikėk aš daug ko mačius.

Dieda, tu alkoholike. Tau visgi daugiau yra už ką dėkot. Ačiū už kortas, kad išmokinai Durnių, 21 lošt, už šachmantus, kuriuos kažkada gerai mokėjau, už kantrybę mokant dviračiu važiuot ir visus kitus mokslus, pjaunant, kalant, laužant. Sbasiba za vsio, shto xaroshava zdielal dlia minia.

Ačiū už pastoge ir visad šilta priėmimą Vyšnių 4 gyventojams ir artimiesiems.

Tėvai - VARYK TU NX !!!

Gusti - ačiū tau už tuos žodžius per "Pijuko 65" ir vakare pas Rimone.
Tomai - tau ačiū už tai, kad pripažysti mane "Meškų klano".
Donce - nu tau tiesiog ačiū, kad esi mano dėdė.
Ačiū kitom Meškom, mane pripažinusiom už savą..(hug).

Marsai, mažuti mano, saule. Kaip tau DĖKUI už tai, kad vienintelis esi toks kantrus būti prie manęs kai man liūdna. Laukti manęs kai sėdžiu ilgiausiai visur kur bastaus. Myli tu mane, o aš net nesuvokiu kodėl. Aš juk net tavim normaliai nepasirūpinu. Ankščiau gi tu kentėdavai kai pikta būdavau. Atleisk. Bet tu vis tiek džiaugiesi kai grįžtu namo. Kodėl? Juk tai aš. Tik aš..(hug).
Why, sweetheart, why?...

Why do you people care about me?

It's just me.

THANKS EVERYONE. Maybe I'm just too stupid for all of you, to understand this so called life. Can someone explain it to me? Please...

Todays most biggest victims is The Victims of Civilization.
This category victims is The whole World. Cause every step in civilization is a big step for humanity forward, and a huge step for humanity backwards as well. Why? Yes, I know it's a paradox. But it's the way it is. Our brilliant minds envent time after time something new and more convenient for us to use. From time amazing Ancient Times, to the Middleages, to the Twentyth century and finally to the wonderful World of todays Technology. Everything we creat is suppose to help us live an easier life. But is that really true? The more we build the more trouble it costs. Like for an exemple - mobile phones. It's small, convenient, easy to use, communicative, lots to do with it. But. Radiation. Bad waves and everthing else. Sure it's great and helpful and etc. But it's not healthy, so why we envented it? Why do you ask me? I didn't envent this ? As for other things. I was spending my time in a village about a month. No TV, no Internet. So basically no Civilization for me. And I survived.
Today I'm spending my time by the side of the Computer. Everything went well untill the electrisity went blanck. For about 15 minutes. But that was enough for me to panic and cry "what I'm gonna do now?.." Then my mom and me realised that we're victims of Civilization.... No electrisity - no life. Ain't that ironic. I have 24 hours to "enjoy it" and I'm still bored...
I can bet from anything in the World That others like me - the not out going tipe is doing the same thing - being bored by the side of The Mighty Internet.... So what's the point of this? I don't have a clue.
I actually am so jealous of those who don't even have time to look in their e-mails. 'Cause they are living NOT existing or surviving. I wish I could spend more time with other people, like with one of my friend and her familly, I'm happy when I'm with them, 'cause then I'm living, communicating and just being with people... I'm enjoying almost every minute of it, because most of my freetime I spend between 4 walls, ceiliings and floors, staring at one spot or PC monitor or the TV. Dreaming that something will happen in 5 minutes , tomorrow, or someday later. But nothing happend as it is now...

Civilization - kidnapper of the Humanity.

So even the internet can't help me with my problems, wich you already know.
Nothing new. Same old problems. I'm too weak and lazy to change it. Like learning to skate. I'm not afraid to swim, but my friends are. They're not afraid to skate, but I am. Just like I don't understand how they are scared to swim, they can't get the picture why I'm scared to skate. I can tell you why. 'Cause I'm afraid to fall. I never had the strength to get over my fears, mistakes or any other problems I face, like asking a staff member about the mp3 players in a store. When I was just a kid, my grandma taught me how to swim, she never said I can drown, so I wasn't afraid to be in the water and swim. Sure I went for a year or so to the swimming pool where they taught me to swim better. And snice then there is no force in the world that can get me out of the water. But with the skates is diffrent. There isn't anyone to hold me and catch me when I fall. I'm not afraid of getting my bones broken or just getting hurt. I'm just afraid to fall. That's all.
It sames I shoul've gone use to being by myself most of the time, but I'm still scared sometimes to be alone. Like when my mother leaves just for a couple of days and I've got to look out for myself and the dog ofcourse. It's okey in day time, but when it comes to sleep I'm usually afraid to turn off the lights or go check the doors in the dark. Stupid huh. Well... It's what I am.

You know psychologist say that you can write a letter, when you're upset or angry. Well, I tried that. I called for help in my letters, said something I probably would not say out loud to someone I know. And It didn't helped. Yet. I still have one with me here. I think I'll hide it when I'll get back there.
So there.




Aren't I something or what?...
I would go with "or what"...

What can say. Nothing much happend. Spain won. Triumfo fantastico.
Mi amore equipo de España!!!
I've had great time by the lake. In Jns as well... But still there is one thing missisng... Somebody to talk to. I'm not gonna spend my whole time here saying it all over again. I still want someone to chat with. That's all.
You know that feeling when you wait for someone to return home? That feeling when they finally do? That feeling when they thouch you? Feeling when your dad gives you a hug.... I don't. I'm not saying he's dead. Nah. He's alive. Too bad he's is. But he never showed intrest in being my father.
I hate him for leaving my mother and me when I was 6 or 8 months old.
I hate him for showing up after 5 years when his mother died.
I hate him for not calling me.
I hate him for ignoring us for those five years.
I hate him for being The Biggest Jerk in the whole world when he didn't help my mother carry a heavy bag when she asked him.
I hate him for letting my mother cry trough all the night after a stupid fight over the housework and not saying a word to her.
I hate him for thinking that his worthless money is something I need.
I hate him for not showing intrest in me then and now.
I hate him for being alive.
I hate him for being my father.
I don't what you. Get out of my life for good. You never wanted me and I don't want you. Get out.
You're the reason why I don't trust men.
You're the reason why I'm that scared to open up to someone.
You're the reason why I'm so terrified of guys.
You're the reason why I'm afraid of Love.
You're the reason my Life is ruined.
Because of you I don't sleep at nights, because I'm scared to fall asleep and dream.
Because of you I day-dream all my life since the moment I realised I can do that.
Because of you I don't let anyone in.
Because of you I'm scared to live.
Because of you I'm stuck in my own shadow.
Because of you I'm angry on my mother for this.
I don't feel anything just hate to you. But even that is too much for someone, no, for you. No-one else is like you. Thank God.
Now get The HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow.. Who's the genius that said life isn't a movie? I would like to his face now. And to think that I dream day and night all my life for something like this what she had. I'm so hopeless... I can't help myself. I need to do something, I have too much free time, and it's not right. I need to occupy my mind and stop this madness before it drives me insain once and for all... Guess it really is true about getting more out of fait when you don't expect anything from it. I need to do something. But I am. I'm learning spanish, well I'm at the least trying.. I don't know why I'm saying this, but I really need someone to be near me and to communicate and to keep me company while I'm doing something, like learning spanish or exercising... I'm so bored of being always by myself it really starts to get to your mind after a while...
That is when you start imagining things that will never ever happen. You start to imagen that life is a movie. That you can to something more than an average human could. You come up with an unknown person when you need to talk to somebody.

You're just looking at one spot an you see what you want to see.

Somebody you want to be with.
Somebody you want to talk to.
Somebody you want to love and to love you.
Somebody you want to say Those Words to you.
Somebody you want to feel butterflys in your stomach everytime his near you.
Somebody you want to know better than yourself, so you could feel useful at anytime he needs you.
Somebody you want to worry about at everytime he's not here with you.
Somebody you want to feel like your 5 again with a present in your hands at Christmas, everytime you meet each other.
Somebody you want to feel free to be yourself everytime he's around.
Somebody you want to smile everytime you think about.
Somebody you want to see a smile in his face everytime you show up.
Somebody you want to be there for you and just be.
Somebody you want to listen to at night and that he would listen to you too when you need him.
Somebody you want to trust and to trust you.
Somebody you want to show up in a blink of an eye when he hears you on the phone crying.
Somebody you want to hold you thight and let you cry.
Somebody you want to be next to you when you'll need a support.
Somebody you want to know that he'll wait for you.
Somebody you want to know he'll not even do everything I said here, but also just go shoping with you, help you at your home to throw a party, help you to buy a perfect present for your BFF, help you with any other problem you'll have.
Somebody you want to just be your friend and much more at the same time.

I don't count how many times I said something like this, and it doesn't matter how many times more I'll say this, nothing will change. 'Cause I know no-one will know this, no-one will know how I feel for real, no-one will know what's actually happing inside of my head, what I'm thinking, how I'm hanging, with whom I like to spend my time...
It hurts me. But maybe it's for the best. I mean, nobody will have to worry their minds about me, just like now nobody does.

Sadly it's my life and I'm living it.

Ofcourse there are good times as well, but they just end so quickly, I don't have enough time to enjoy them and to soak them up into me, so they could last more longer. I'm not saying I need attention 24/7 it's just I would like to have a bit more than I am now. True attention, not made up like the one my grandma gives. Just to hear that someone noticed me, how I look, feel, talk. Just a small word, sign would be enough.

Just like for now talking about my miserable life ;]

Till next ;]


xoxo Your Girl ;* ;]