Last Minutes of Summer are just Tickin' away...

Everything has a beginning. Everything has an end.
September 1st is an end and a beginning at the same time. It's the End of the Summer. Beginning of another year at school. Doesn't matter how much I'd like to be happy on September 1st, I just can't. I have no happy memories on this day. I never want to go to school, I never want to sit in there from 8am till 3pm, I always hate when I don't understand something and no-one explains it to me, I hate getting up, 'cause I always feel cold in the morning, I'm always tired, I'm always upset, sad, hungry. I hate school. I never want to go there, because I don't have a good reason, I mean a really good reason to go and be there. I hate our countrys educational system. I hate mostly everything related to school. But I'm not here to tell you about what more I hate. I'm saying that, I'd like to see this 1st as a new opportunity to start some changes. However, I made the list, I was talking about earlier, or at least some of it, and it's more like a schedule... I had more things planned for me to change, but I forgot most of them, 'cause something happend.... The usual between me and mom.... I hope I'll remember. And I also hope, I'll see changes in me till this Christmas....

I had another hair cut. Now - I really look like a guy. When I don't have any hair gel in my hair. I always liked short hair styles, so I don't mind if I look bit diffrent...

I always liked Magic. All kind of Magic. HP one, the Middle ages Merlin magic, even card tricks. I like to believe in things that doesn't exist. I remember how I use to watch magic shows on TV, especially when they were showing magic shows from America, those kind were the best, 'cause you could see Magicians from around the world with their tricks. Even if it's all fake and just shams, I liked it and I still like it. 'The Prestige' reminded me about it. Prestige is a wonderful book and a great movie aswell. It was a long while since I read anything like it. But It was most definitely worth it. I wonder why do I like magic. 'Are you watching closely?' I'm trying to. But it still amazes me how the Hand can be faster then the Eye...

I want to make a list of things I need to start doing in oder to change things around here. I just thought about how I'm making a promise to myself, how for every promise I make a mark, so I won't forget about it. I'm afraid that like all my 'reality-related' thoughts can be forgoten as quickly as it came. I don't expect you people to understand. I know it seems ridiculous - everything what I write here. But I'm not writing because I expect to be 'heard', 'understood' or 'answered'. I write because it's the only way for me to make my thoughts materialized. I think of so many things. Who doesn't. But Sometimes I wish someone was near me to ask me what I'm thinking of now. I'd gladly share it. I'm scared because some of them never gets the chance to be heard. Not even on a piece of paper. I'd tried that. I believe last summer I was writting here about a few letters with 'conffesions'. I don't believe it worked much for me, 'cause I took them back after a few days. There was no words in 'em, 'cause the Rain washed the ink away. Well I did ask for 'a sign' for a new start, though. But I didn't take the fainted paper as a sign, I was hoping for the letters to be gone. Guess it's my biggest problem - I hope for more than I get. I only gave myself one promise - I won't drink. No alcohol. I gave this promise before or after my birthday somewhere between Christmas and New Year, I don't remember the year. But I said to myself, that I won't ever drink. And successfully I've been keeping this promise for several years now. I'm going to be eighteen by the end of the year. I think this is quite an achievement. I think it takes something big to convince me to make changes. Nothing yet happened to make my change myself that much. I change hair, clothes, earings, glasses but not the attitude, manners or the tone of my voice when I speak. I can't understand why is it so hard for me just to make a list of things I need to change?... Because I don't like the word 'need to'. I want me to want to change because it's what I want, not because others think it's what I need. All I need is to be heard. I just want that somebody could know everything about me. One Person. That's all.

'All I want is Evrything,
Am I asking too much?
All I want is Everything,
Like the feel of Your Touch...'

Am I asking to much?
Yes.
Prove me wrong.

' I'm scared. Scared as Hell... Why? Because I feel anger,envy, pain... I feel like that because I know, there are people out there - in the World, Who can take care of their lives. Not like me. People need to know how to handle me because I can't tell you that. I don't know. I feel hate. Someone out there is living, having fun, adventure, while I'm sitting in my room and getting Texts' , saying how great they are all doing with out me. That hurts. It does. I'm scared to live because I don't know how. I don't. I'm afraid now because, NOW I understand how 'Time Flies' Seriously. I'm afraid to wake up after 20 years and realise I'm the same 'Couch Potato' like I were. Am. I'm afraid. And nobody knows this. They may know that I'm scared of living a life, but they don't know why. I don't know if there is anybody who I'd like to tell this. ' - '11.8.1

I'm sitting now, now, right now, at this very moment infront of my PC, with my Blog open up on the screen, listening to a song, one song, over and over again. I'm trying to remember what I wanted to write after all this time. BUT I CAN'T. I can't concentrate, because SOMEBODY in the other room is trying to explain me who some poor tourist survived in The Jungle. If I wouldn't have what to do at the moment, it would be interesting, but now it's annoying!!!!!

You have no idea about what, who, how, where, when and why I am able to fantasize. When I'm fantasizing, I make myself believe it's hapining here and now. I start to believe in it, like it was true, no matter how stupid the fantasy may seem. But one thing I just can't make true to me. How I'm actually doing something about what I've been thinking of doing. I just think of it. And that's it. Reality becomes my fantasies and illusion becomes my reality. And It scares me. Reality becomes to boring for me. It's a disease. I don't think anyone has a cure for this one.