It just came to me. I just realised what's happening...

I was watching The Series, and I saw something, something too similar to me... I can't get that out of my mind.... Not so fast at least... But the point is I realised how my subconscios works. For example: I offen like to say that others should be scared of me, that I'm not good enough, but it's all the way around, it's me who's scared of others, I'm affraid, that people isn't good enough. I creat my own world when I feel lonely or am just alone. I imagine Someone, like a Stranger or any other Character or Somebody I know and pretent they're next to me and that we're talking, usually I'm saying stuff I'd never say out loud, not that I'm talking about sex or anything like that. I know it's a problem, a huge one, but hey, I mentioned problems like a million time in here... The meaning is that I judge people before even talking to them, I wrote what happened with my mom when I tried talking, but I think I judged most of others I could talk to because I think I know what could happen if I tried. I got confused there myself... I don't want to talk to any persons I know because I can't start a conversation, and because they don't ask me questions I'd like to be asked, like instead of asking 'How's it going?' I'd prefer 'How are you feeling?' not meaning my health, but condition, how I feel about something what's important to me. Nobody asks me that... I'm afraid I ideal the reality way too much, that when I open up a window and take a breath of it, it almost kills me, 'cause it's not how I imagined... I feel safe at home, because I can creat my own reality at the time just like I want it to be... I don't want to go anywhere because I'm scared of disappointment... I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this alone, but I definitely need help with that... I have no idea who I can turn to with this... Maybe my best friend, but I feel It should be different. I think I want to believe I need something different. I can't,yes I can. I can admit so many things in here, it should count as a confession said out loud, but it doesn't, it's not.

It be really nice if someone asked me why am I looking down when I walk. Why I like the sky so much. Why I prefer night, snow, water. Why I think I'm not good enough for something or someone, for that matter. Why I hate something or somebody. Why do I keep myself in The obvious shell, behind the titanium door, sealed with chaines. Why am I like an Iceberg.
Someone tried that, I didn't give the chances.

I'm too naive to live inside the reality. I fall inlove with characters that are completely made up. I gaze at someone who doesn't even have a clue something like me existing, and I'm not talking about a handsome prince next door... I want my illusions to be true. I know it can't, but I'm so attached to it that I dream about things and people I want so offen, I got lost between the real, actual world, and my dreams. I want to be asleep as long as I can when I dream something nice, something I'd prefer to happen in a real life... I'm terrified with this. I'm freakin' out... I even start to compare Characters with real people in my life and when I find no mach I choose the illusion. Though I have recently discovered similarity to me and someone from my surrounding. I found quite a mach, at some parts. Not the whole thing. And This confuses my mind more than an average coincidence... The Illiusionist inside of me wants to believe that somehow I'm related to that, but my brain refuses to believe. So there you go, I'm ending in another dead-end with an a usual dilema in my head.
This is definitely not how I wanted this article to end....

Remember when I wrote about some series? Well... They got to me more then I excpected. And knowing me it's a problem. Somehow I see a part of me in the Characters. It's a bit difficult for me... Those series I'm watching, are reflecting what I want to see subconsciously. I mean, I don't know what the hell I mean... But everytime I see some of the reflection on the screen, I have thoughts that really seem important to me at the time... Too bad I don't write them down at that time, 'cause I got use to watching it in the dark at night. Yesterday night I tried to write a few phareses, but I only managed to write one... It was dark and the screen didn't give enough light to write. When I got to bed, I had more of the same thoughts. But, again, It was too dark to write, and I couldn't make some noise, because that would've woken up my parent...

So anyway, I was thinking.... Here's some of that:

' I don't need somebody whose willing to die for me just to prove his love to me. I'd prefer someone whose willing to kill for me, not because I said to, but because he would kill someone else for hurting me.
I'm not saying I'd enjoy that or am willing seriously for this, but knowing that somebody would kill someone just to make sure I'm safe - enough proof of their love to me.

Sometimes dying for someone isn't too bad, if you die trying to protect someone.

I never understood why guys are so into dying for girls they love. What's the point? You die - she lives, probably with someone else. Why give yourself away just to prove your truth? You prove it, but nothing changes, except that you're dead. But Life goes further, it doesn't stop. I think guys should be more foxused on living for their Loves', 'cause this is harder then just jumping on to spikes. Guys should be ready to give up anything except their lives for girls, they should want to be for the girl, to protect her, to stay with her, to stand by her, to see her smile, to hear her voice, to be with her and make sure she doesn't fall down, to catch her if she falls, to love her as much as he can, to worry about her when she's away, to give her experience she missed, to take care of her even if she can take care of herself, to show her the world trough his eyes, to make her believe in you, to make her trust you, to make her smile, laugh, feel safe, needed, wanted. '

I want to say so many things, but I just can't. It's not in my nature to grab the phone and text someone to meet me for a cup of tea or a walk 'round the neighborhood because I want to talk to somebody about what's on my mind... I hate myself...

Yesterday I had a small, very small chat with someone... I was interested in talking more but I wasn't able to develop a start for a normal conversation... Come to think about it, maybe the other person was trying that, but I was so stupid and didn't notice it... I didn't know if I have the right to ask about the persons incident more then the person told me. I really wanted to talk, I still do.... But I just can't generate the conversation, I'm the one who can join in to the chat, not start it...

Sunday. I'd tried to have a conversation about how I feel about present and future with my parent. Guess how it worked out? Right. Just brilliant. Of course I'm being sarcastic !!! I almost told her to go to hell. She can't understand me. How can I have a normal conversation if the person, sitting next to me, judges me after my fifth word. She calls me stupid, she says she wants to hit me and stuff like that... Why people are so fast at judging without hearing the other one first. I don't think there is anyone in my surroundings who would not judge me for my mind...

So, there you go. I can't have a normal talk with other people because everytime I try that, it doesn't work out very well... So don't be too surprised next time I tell something about a chat, being able not to have one, I mean... Okey, I'm totally lost... I hate this part When I start writing and forget what I wanted to say...

' - Well it's not the first time or the last, when THIS happens...
- Why do I get the feeling you're actually enjoying THIS...
- Why shouldn't I?- asks Sanity Brain, at surprisingly high tone...
- Well, a- because you ARE one of us, b- you ARE kinda resposible for Her activity at this and c- if you enjoy her absence here it's not too good for everyone: her, you even me plus everyone else...
- What do you mean?- says Sanity suspiciosly looking towards Brain- Are you messing with me? Because if you are, you know what I'm capable of doing, you haven't forgot the last time, have you?- threatenns Sanity.
- Too bad I DO remember THAT...- silently says Brain more to himslef then Sanity...- No, I'm not messing with you. You don't need my help to look like a fool around here, you're perfectly managing it by yourself- Sanity prepers to strick him and in a blick of an eye teleprorts over him- BUT! - shrieks Brain as hard as he can just before the impact - What I mean is that if you're seriously enjoing Her absence, we have a problem, because , like I said, you're resbonsible for her activity, meaning it's YOU, whose absent, not Her. And if this keeps up, you might start fade away, literally. So think about this- almost whispering tells Brain to Sanity, staring at The Nowhere of The Mind...
- It's..... It's My fault?.... '