'Picture of the Moon was made for me and you
To enjoy our Love Tonight
But you traided me for a moment of Sin
And now I cry at Night like a Wolf
Out of Pain You gave me That Night'

People often asks me: 'what I like to do' for profession that is. And the more they ask me that, the more and more I answer pretty much the same: 'don't know'. And It's true. I really don't now What I Like To Be in Life... I only know what I Would Like to be and do in life, but I do know some things are impossible to do, because there is one little problem - MONEY, CASH, THE GREENS.... But despite this fact, an idea came to my while reading Bryan Tracy 'Million Dollar Habits' - the next time someone asks me what I like to do in life my answer will be simple: 'Travel the world, see places, meet people, learn how to fight, understand other countries culture, dishes, clothing, philosophy, their living habits, how they understand things, what is meaning of living to them, just talk to them about how they feel.' - all that's left to do is not to forget this ;D
Because seriously I mean, what can I do? I can't think of any profession I could actually reach for, or at least pick one from the few 'I fit for' because they're not the ones I prefer... Be stuck into a university for another minimum ten years - I don't think so... Never I've tried to get 'public acceptance' in life, because it's not something I want, it's always been better for me to be something in my friends eyes than in whole's school's or city's even country's. I don't have what it takes to Be Somebody Big.. Well as in celebraty or any other famous person... I rather Be Somebody here where I am, for this moment I'm living. I mean - I would like to Be Somebody for those who are around me, in many small ways and not trying to kill myself over something I can't do. 'We make our own Destiny' - many times I've heard this and not less I've said that myself. But the past few years I don't think like that any more... Something happened, something is happening and something will happen. Something that's not in my power... So to speak...

In that book I 'menchined' earlier, the Writer is saying about that, how our thoughts control us. What we think is who we are. It's not what we think we are, but we are how we think, you follow? Every single action we make is the consequence of what we're thinking. So 'We make our own Destiny' perfectly fits here. It's not others blame of our failure or mistakes we make it's all us. That's what the writer says.

Me? I've always blamed me for everything what happens. Even then, when it's not my fault... I never snitch, I just take the blame to myself, but when it comes to credit, I never say I deserve more then others. Actually I feel bad when I get more than others in my team, group and ect. ....

Guess that's all for now...

Later ;]

It's incredible how low can I get...
Time to time I have thougths, many of 'em. But I forget them at the same speed they come to me... Or better yet - at the wrong place at the wrong time... So what's left for me to do? Just say to myself - I'll remember it later. Translation - I'll just forget it.
What am I going to do?...
I was seriously considering carrying a Notebook with me in one hand, everywhere I go. Why does this sound so familiar? Maybe I already wrote something like this days back?... See what I'm talking about? I can't remember what I wrote already.... I'm seriously demented...

I'm freakin' scared. Of what? Everything - boys, people, love, hate, death, life, changes, school, graduating, something new, exciting, sad, lone, attention....

Week ago, last Thursday, my class and me went on an excursion. It was quite boring. But on the way home, the boys started singing songs in the bus about me... At first I thought I was quite fun and didn't think it'll take long. But it did. Even too long.. It lasted for the whole 30 minutes till I got off of the bus... It hurted me in a way I can't say. But never, have I felt so I don't know.... Likeable maybe... But ether way it was too much for me... I didn't go to school on Friday. I stayed in bed all day, almost the whole weekend... They were one of the reasons, but the real deal was in me and my mothres talk afterwards. Once I got off the bus I ran to my mom's car through the rain and once I've opend the doors I just said: 'Shoot me!'. My mom didn't reacted well to this and so it began...
'What the hell your talking?!!!' she said. 'Why do I need to shoot you? Are you insain?'
'The Boys sang songs about me in the bus all the way home...' I answerd.
'So?. I can't see what's the problem?'
'Well I CAN !' I shrieked.
'Don't talk to me like that !' she yelled. And there we go.. She hates me the way I am. And I can't stand how she doesn't want me just the way I am... It's .... It's making me sad. Just sad... I start to cry everytime we get to this point. And I did then. Aaaand then it went just perfect. For almost good two hours we were sitting in the car while it rained outside and had a very long talk about me her and us... My mother made a point that I'm a Psycho. Nice. My own mom. How was I suppose to feel after that? Do I need medication? Yes and No. Everybody says Yes, because this is the only way for them. I say No, 'cause I know I don't need that. Even my sister offered me to go and see a psychiatrist.... Nice. Seriously. Am I the only one that thinks that the only thing I need is just a friend I could talk to. Yes I know I have some friends, I can talk to. And Yes I know a psychiatrist could be "a friend" to talk to. But I can't speak to any of my friends, because I moved away, calling is expensive, and by the time I'll get there I don't know how I feel about myself...I need someone closer so I could just talk anytime I'd like to.... It's getting old and boring talking to myself, crying and being by myself most of the time. But Yes, since I'm a Psycho, I can't do anything about it...

Last week on Friday night I saw 'The Kickboxer 2 : The Road Back' and I loved it so much... I mean, I... Now I can't get the Kickboxing out of my mind. I always loved Martial Arts and Fights and I always wanted to learn it myself, but as you already know I never do anything I'd like to, alone, so I never learned. Since yesterday's evening I've been think why I like all those Fights so much. I'm still thinking... And I think I would say : 'I love the power of confidence in what you are doing and Fights are that something I can say you are most confident and consentrated in yourself, because you need to control all of your body and mind as well at the same time. When you learn how to fight, fight good, you don't need to think about what move, strike, kick or block to do, you just do it. It takes a lot of time, patients, energy, and hard work to achieve this, but I think it pays off just like any other activity...' - That's what I'd say if anyone asked me...

How's it possible to hate, despise your own Family so much? Simple. "Get It Before It Gets You".....


I got too lazy. Please Forgive me...
Promise I'll try to make it better...