Strange, how long has it been. I log on every six months or so now and I still find stats, that show minor trace, left by someone who read my blog. Or maybe it just was pure chance when somebody came across it? What ever the reason - it makes me smile, to know, that this place is still here :) I don't really have much to say

I started this entry looong looong time agoo... I can't even remember what I wanted to say that time, but I remember writing :)) It really has been a while.... Even My Biggest Fan told me so :P Yes, yes, I'm talkn' 'bout you :P You know what I mean :D So, did I miss anything ? :)) Guess I did, but, I missed writing.. A lot actually... There were time when I actually cautgh myself thinking about stuff, life, things and other matter in a way I would write it down in here... I thought about doing it afterwards, but it always slipped my mind... I mean - at work, no matter how shit it is and mine - oh believe me when I tell - it is pure bullshit, literally, anyway  - no matter how shit that job is, you can't exactly just take off and write what you think in the notebook or something like it... So, by time I'd get back - I would be too tired, too hungry, too pissed off to think clearly and the only thing I'd wanna do would be to scream my lungs but oh what a surprise, I can't even do that......... No matter...
After so long, you kinda get use to the fact that you don't have a life. I mean - my relationship is going down hill (took it long enough), I hate the place I live in, my studies are not making it easy for me, I can't exactly say I have friends, but that is just because I alway had the issue of calling someone my friend, you know trust issues, what I have here in England is - people I know and can talk to, occasionally. My family - what family? And work - oh fu*k sake.... That's a whole other topic.... I mean, recently my BF said to me: "Why are you doing this? Why are you destroying your life? Why don't you do something about it?" And all I could say was : "What life? How can I be destroying something I never had and still don't have?" And it's true...
What life did I ever have? Being bullied? Hating school? Wanting to die just so I would not have to go back to that hell hole? That's what you call life? Really ? Well than I am just too stupid... I mean, I can't call 12 fucking miserable years of my existance LIFE if I hated almost everything about it? Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, but most of it yeah. There were some of the good time I had with my friends.. But that didn't last for long... I mean the happy feeling. Why? Simple - they moved on and lived their life's while I was always stuck in the past trying to contain those happy memories while they were still fresh and just try and stay that way for as long as my mind could last before it came back to reality... Nothing ever made  me smile so much as those good times I had with my friends.... But, like I said - they didn't last long... And now.... I have this illusion, or is it just that I am stuck again in the past, thinking it can be all the same, like it was before when we get back together... But everything is not...
So much has changed and I still don't have a life... How can it be life if I am trapped and have to hide and contain myself all over again... Why the hell did I run away to the god Damned England if I still can't be what I really am? I mean... I know I can be a better person than this... I'm not a bitch.. Not all the time. I can be nice. I can be fun. So why aren't I? My opinion is : I do not feel free enough to open up completly and enjoy life. I mean: how can I? I live in a house with a horde of bastards. It does not make it easier for me because, I am not one of those poeple who can easily not give fucks and just live the way they want without any acknowledment for other human beings that live in the same house as you..... It's common fucking sense. But I guess I am some kind of a freakin' dino, cause as  far I as can see - I am the only one in the freakin' home that knows what common sense is.
Anyway - those little crumbs I had, those tiny pieces of MY LIFE I was trying to build are scattered by the four winds.... I mean - I have no idea what so ever why that guy that is sitting in the next room still considers me as his GF if two days ago he said himself: "I see no reason why we should still be a couple"............ I'm 21 - what do I know about life? Seriously.......... This is my first ever (probably last too, but not in a good way) relationship and I have absolutely no idea what am I doing wrong... So ok, fine, I suck in bed - not that way - I mean I don't do any tricks or flex into a pretzel or stand on my head or anything like that - I mean, I don't do anything......... WHY? Because I don't want to do anything at all... And it does not help that both of us have no XP.......... I thought if I ever gonna have a BF, he would be older than I am and he would take care of me, you know, show me what life is all about. And why not? I've been taking care of myself for most of my miserable life, all I want at the moment is for someone to take care of me - yes I know how it sounds... Like I'm 45 or something, well too bad - cause that is exactly how I feel... I mean - I am 20 fucking 1 and I already feel like I had at least two failed marriages..... And you know, being a psychology student - does not help... I know what I want, I know why things are the way they are, but I do not have any solutions to the problem... Well, I kinda do, but I am too afraid of that... So yeah..
Back to the topic - I have no life. What I have now - is bullshit. I hate it. I try to fix some parts of it, make it better, but it just keeps blowing up in my face... (not that way,you,perverts..jeeessss...) As far as I can do something about the mess that is suppose to be my life - I can only wait to move to a place where me and my BF can be alone and have sex without interruptions from  "roommates" because they heard a few lound gasps for air.. Bastards ruind one of the best sex we were having........  So yeah, that's the only thing I can do - hope that we will last long enough to get ourselves a place were I could finally fully open up and start living...... Maybe then I will be able to stop being miserable.... If that don't work - screw it. Screw all of it. Nothing will make me happy. I mean really - if,you know, the endless possibilities of when and where and how you can have sex with your partner without disruptions does not make a person happy (to start with) than well, I guess nothing will, cause other things cost more...
Although... I would settle for a lot less for the time being.... The problem is - how do I make my BF realise a few things about me without actually telling him that.... Yeah, that's that kind of "female charm" I do not posses.... I mean, I am an animal, a wild one for that matter but I am only what the 12 years made me. An example? Alright, here: you yell at me, I yell back. You kick me - I kick back and so on. I think you guys get the picture. So, what I am saying - when I am already blowing fuses don't, please, don't yell at me. Just embrace me and hold me till I calm down, storke my hair, my back, whisper in my ear " It's ok, baby, sshhh, don't worry, all is gonna be fine, you'll see, soon, baby, soon".... Am I asking too much? Just don't fucking yell at me..... I hate that.... Be gentle and soft and I'll purr for you... Treat me like a wild animal and I'll act as a wild animal: I'll bark intead of talk, I'll bite instead of kiss, I'll growl instead of purr, I'll runaway instead of running toward you... I mean, really - is it that hard to see? You bite - I bite. It's that simple....
My guess is that both of us are just too immature for a relationship that we threw ourselves into.. We are not ready to live with other people. He acts like a child, I do the same and we end up not peaking for days - great way to solve problems... Two years it's been like this... How we are still together - is beyond me...
I am writing and so many ideas are coming back to me, all new topics as well, and other things - I am almost overwhelmed by them... Damn I miss writing... Almost as much as I miss talking to my cyber WoW friends...... Damn Molten... I lost two of my pleasures in life - my druid and talking to people.
Ever since I started being in a relationship I missed being able to go to online chats and finding people to talk to... When we started playng WoW together, I got that opportunity back. Why did I stop chatting with people? Good question, I think, I saw it like a form of cheating, I do prefer guys over girls when it comes down to online chats... So I guess I thought my BF would be mad at me if I started spending time on the online chats and stuff... But I miss it, I miss it so much.... So when WoW came along, chats were back as well. I got one of my favorite activities back, and HE could not have been mad at me cause we were always together, at least till lvl 80... After that - poof ! We split... he went on raids and I would just log on to chat with my friend. Later I made some more - it was cool. Especially finding this one character.. We said we would chat again in the fall and we never got to that part... Later, just after X-mas - servers crached.. All was lost.. I could not regret more not giving my skype to that person when I still had the chance, maybe I would still have at least one small pleasure in life.. Damn how much I miss it.. What I would not give to find a way to chat again... Wish I could send the guys a message or something, let them know I still remember them..
Oom, Kast, - if you are out there - I miss you guys... You probably don't even remember me, but I still sometimes think about you... Hope all's good...
Eh, worth a shoot xD I can't loose anything more than I already had... And I has so happy before the New Year and all, that at least one of them remembered me.. I was really looking forward for that chat... I regret many thing in my fucked life, but this - is the biggest one yet... Molten - you just take, and don't give, do you ? xD
Anyway..... I forgot what was suppose to be the point.. Anyway, it's getting late so, I'mm gonna try and get back to ya soon than every once a year xD

See ya!

Oh and for all of those psychologists like me out there - I know all you gonna tell me what my probs are, so save yourselves the time and don't diagnose me, cause I already have... I they do not have pillss to cure the stupid - not that I heard of....

Ever had this feeling like you would just stay in and do something you wanted to do for a long time? Like see a good movie or read an amazing book? Rather than just deal with issues or hang out or something? Probably yeah.. Me? I have this feeling all the time... Mostly... I am so afraid of my own life that I just usually prefer whenever I get the chance to just hide behind some long-lost activity rather than face reallity - which sucks most of the time.. Like remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of something? Would did you do back then? Hug a teddy bear really really hard? Cry for mommy? Hide under a bed? Heck, even turn to your imaginary friend for help, right? And what you do now when you're scared of something? Tell yourself it's not real? There's nothing to be scared of? It's all in your head? Or better yet - face your fears. Right? Well me - I'm a bit different. Everytime I get scared of something now I feel like a kid again. A little, fragile, sad girl. And instead of "facing my fears" I turn to my "imaginary friends" for help. It mostly go like this: I get disappointed with myself (usually on a daily basis), I find a place (always my bed, if not in my mind a better place then I am at, at the moment, in real life) and imagine myself doing something that my inner child would've loved to do back in the day. Like shoot fire balls with my hands, cast spells, fly, fight monsters. Stand up for myself, talk to others, have a life that I would have liked having in real life. I hade away in my own mind because I can't handle the reallity and this is fucked up on so many levels cause I'm 20 For Fuck Sake. I should be better than this but I'm not. Why? Because I never learnt how to actually "face my fears". I never learnt how to kick fears butt. Instead I just run and hide and pray it doesn't come after me. Which it usually does. And the best part is, and by the "best" I mean something entirely oposite, I am so afraid of my mother I can't tell her or do anything that doesn't live up to her expectations. It's not like she wants me to be president or something, no. She just wants me to do the "simple" things she thinks are the most important in life. Like: grow up. Check. Finish High School. Check. Get into uni. Check. Get a job (anykind for now and a "real" job after graduating). Check (in a way). And since I'm not doing all this alone, but I have a boyfriend. That means the same rules apply to him as well. And how dare he NOT TO STUDY. How can he even think of such treachery? Well - he is and he does. And because my boyfreind is not satisfaying some kind of an "ideal" in my mother's world - he is no longer worthy of me or anything for that matter. Because my mother fails to see that this "not studying" isn't such a big problem I am left in the crossfire and fell like I am being forced to choose between the one I love and my family. Romeo and Juliet you might say, yeah well they had it easy. Me? Yeah right... Everytime I think about a conversation between my mom and me I become that little frightened girl who sits alone in a dark room and praying that nobody comes and finds her till all the yelling and screaming stops... Everyday I shiver with fear just by a thought that I can get a call from her asking to talk about how's it going for "our boy"... You have to understand I am nothing like her. She is strong, intelligent, rational, "domineering" (if I am using that word right), persistent. If she sets her mind to something - oh it is on. She will not rest till she has her way. AND I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT. I don't have all that "strenght nad stamina" that she has. I am weak, emotional, stuborn, but not in a good way, no self-confidence or -esteem. Everytime I get an idea of any kind I just keep it to myself because I AM AFRAID it will blow up in my face..... I might try and imagine what could happen if I worked on it and when I do - I'm so fired up, like doing all kinds of thing to get it done and at the end - I am so happy. But all that happens in my mind only. In really I am stuck with, well - me. I am not my mother's child. I'm nothing like her. And I am so afraid of her that I just hide under a blanket and go back to all the happy memories I have - which usually end up being science from movies and cartoons. I look for comfort, support and compasion in people and situations that are fictional. Because that is the only time I feel truly safe and sound. That is the only time I feel myself. And boy Am I made for drugs or what?... No matter what I do, no matter where I'll be - I'm never gonna be good enough for her. I mean. I left my home, my family, my friends behind and wnet to a another country just so I could feel human for a change, like to truly see what I am capable of on my own and to run away from my mother's influence and all and I am still failing at this. What was the point for leaving evrything and everyone if I am still trapped. And the more I think of it the more suicide is becoming the right choice... Not saying that I have a "full-proof" plan or anything but I did think of it more in the past weeks than the last time I felt so hopeless..... And all it tooks was one skype-video-call with my mom to get me in tears because she was screaming at me through the screen. The screen, i mean - co-me-on. Really? I am so pathetic that I break down even if she isn't right there in person telling me what a piece of cr## I have for a boyfriend (that's what she thinks now). After that one talk - wich was weeks ago - I thought about killing myself in more detail then I ever did as a kid who hated everything and everyone cause I was the "entertainment" for others when they didn't had anything better to do just to pick on me in every way they'd think of - mean things about me usually did the "trick", which was I got pissed off and started acting like a caged-animal and went all "nuts" on them - that was the biggest "attraction" for everyone at the time. And in those times I couldn't find another solution then death. But somehow I survived. But now - after that "talk" we, me and my mom, had weeks ago - the same evening I wrote a suicidal note on my laptop. I even thought of buying few packs of cheapest sleeping pills and taking all of them to end the moral pain I feel. I want to have a home to go to, to return to. I want it to be a pleasant return and not because I hadn't been home in 3-5 years. I just want a nice, normal life - whatever it may be. With my own decisions - no matter how stupid they are. I just want to live the way I see best for me at the moment. I don't want or need to plan ahead 5years cause those plans never happen. But I can't. Because I'm afraid of taking matters into my own hands. Taking action. Doing something. Because I think that everything, every little idea is destand to fail. "You'll never know unless you try" - how can I try.... I mean I only got into uni so my mom be satisfied. For years I have been thinking how great doing something else after school would be. Like taking on different jobs. Travel a little. Exploring the "ocean" of the job market and all kinds of stuff - heck, even go crazy for ones, get drunk and have different kind of fun for ones in my life. But no - I never had the gutts to tell any of it to my mom so we could consider this kind of option. I may have mentioned something but no-one took it seriously... I mean a "perfect student life" for me was, how I imagined it to be: that i have a small apartment in the city, have a job as a bartender at some night club, work the hours during night, sleep till lunch afterwards and go study in the afternoon. Maybe even have a dog or some kind of a pet... Have a few friends (prefer guys), boyfriend - optional (as I was thinking a the time),meeting with my lady friends in another city on the weekend - have a blast, and get back in time for whatever I had just enough time to get back to.... I still think I would have liked this version.....

"Give me strenght not to do something stupid.- said the Brain to itself as it sturggles to keep a clear mind. While the Mind, Spirit, Soul and Heart trembled in fear... Wishing for Hope to come back to life to spark Life in the forsaken darkness covered place that is my head...."

I'm writing.. But not what I should be.. I have three assignments total of 5200 words and I just can't force myself to sit down and start typing like I do here... I don't have a problem with writing, but when I do it's usually studies related... I have a week off to do all I need and three days already past.... I did 1/5 of what I was suppose to do....... The problem isn't in the assignments. It's not like I don't understand or can't write - I just won't. Because there's so much bullshit and I can't decide whether to just keep swallowing it over and over and over again and just keep my mouth shut or to just scream it all out from the top of my lungs and get it over with......... The hell I know........ It's not like I can talk to somebody who's absolutely neutral to give me and eval of things and tell me that I'm not crazy......... When I was little - my mom used to talk to me about a lot of things I did not understand... And I listened.... Every issue, every new idea, every almost everything... Most of the time I couldn't understand anything but somehow I still would come up with a question or a comment or whatever..... And now when I need that somebody, that little me to listen to me and give me some kind of feedback...... Doesn't feel like somebody's there...... I can't keep complaining to my boyfriend about what's bothering me. I sure as hell don't my mom knowing about anything more she doesn't need to know. And I can't burden my friends with it......... Why I have to be so complicated? Why I can't just drop everything and let it go? Because it's NOT WHO I AM. It's not what I am... What am I? I have no idea........... Don't think writing all things that I like down will help me realise that..... It's almost hilarious how I've been told that this is how people are, this is who they are and you can't change that. You can't change who people are. And yet where ever I go, everyone who I met - try to change me. You can't talk like. You can't say that. You can't look like that. You can't think that.You can't anything. Everyone just sees others and fail to recognise themselves and what they do..... And it's so annoying when you're living in a house full of guys who don't give a fuck about anything that goes on further where they stand or sit..... When you're trying to be nice and no-one hears you the first the second and the 3rd time - fuck 'em. You start playing by their rules and you find yourself just slightly more relaxed. Eventually they start saying things that they do, but don't want you to do. At that point you look at them - and you just feel the urge to start a fire, I mean gasoline is already spilled... All it needs - a spark...... And you just feel how the match is slipping through your fingers, but then you breath for a milisec and think - it's not worth it, so you say ok - just that it would go away faster. It works with people who you don't give a toss about, but when your boyfriend starts to raise his voice at you because in two hour silence you said SHIT with a little pitch in the voice - then that box full of matches seems to be just screaming at you - light us! Light Us! LIGHT US! But you don't. Because it's not worth it. It happens again - he starts saying how stupid you look when you do this and that and and then you start to crack bit from bit - and you just state that you DON'T GIVE A FUCK. But he's so convinced you do, because he knows you better than you do yourself - he keeps coming at you with it. And as much as you want him to stop - you can't help to think when you're gonna crack and all hell breaks loose........ You just can't help stopping the matching from falling.......... And yet you still catch it. Sure you get burned and it hurts - a lot. But you are trying to do your best to manage your emotions since it's such an issue to the world when you show them..... But he doesn't see that. He still thinks I'm showing to much of them and not enough of something else......... Yeah right - like I'm going to want sex every night when there's been over half a year he brought me even one tiny flower...... He used to bring them almost every week back home, but now.... I guess in his mind - since we're both stuck with each other in a another country - there's no point in being nice and romantic anymore - just horny all the time. I got a rose one day - some people where just giving them away on campus and I got one. I looked at it and I so desperately wished it had been from him....... Everyday I wake up and think, no not think - dream, how lovely it would be if he did something to surprise me, you know? To show his affection..... Like come to campus, find me and give me flower or just a hug or I don't know - a sandwich since I always go out on an empty stomach and usually don't get anything for myself during the day - and he knows that. But no... Nothing like that.... Back at school things like that would happen more often.... Sweet, simple things..... But back then we didn't live together, we were more apart...... Maybe that's the problem - we're to close now...... The hell I know - all I do know - I can't tell him to surprise me with simple things every once three months.... It'd be like living a movie, and your the director, producer and actor at the same time - I don't want that.... I don't want to be a control freak more than I need or have to be, but Lady Fortune is not on my side.......... I'm already a huge control freak who has zero people skills, gigantic emotional problems, tons and tons of unresolved issues with have of my life, sensitivity is through the roof to everything anyone says to me, usually to bad things, what else? Dreaming about what kind of person, life I'd like to be and have and never doing anything.... Oh, and looking like an idiot every time I open my mouth - this one has come back from the grave recently..... I know I'm not perfect or anything close to it, but it's who and what I am. So what if I get to "into" something I do: watching a movie, series, reading a book (haven't done that one in a while) or playing a god damned video game. Is that a crime? No... Is it so bad that I have to related a face to all my problems, no matter how stupid it looks? No. I need somebody in my life I could hate constantly because it's just easier to beat the hell out of the problems when they have a face and a body. Dropping somebody in a jar and watching them scream doesn't work for me. I'd rather seem like a psychopath by admitting that I enjoy burning and cutting up and feeding limbs to sharks in my mind over and over and over again than just forget about everything..... I can't lock away all my problems and let them rot. It's not who I am. I wish I could - but I can't. Don't know why. I do know that it is wrong to let somebody else feel that rage you have for someone else. There's two types of mad: when the target is the same and when target of anger and the one who receives it - are different people. The second one happens to me more.... Unfortunatelly I tend to hurt someone very close to me almost on a daily basis because of all the irritation I'm carrying around inside. Because I bottle everything up more - as "handeling" my emotions - I use other "methods" to get by. Not proud of things I say or do in that "state" but still better than an hourly meltdown..... So the punchline of this story is : Why the fuck I can't be who/what I am when everyone else has that excuse ?!?!?!?!! You try being strong, you try appear weak, you try to balance them out, but it never works. Nothing works for me... and I either end up hurting people or being the idiot in the room....... Help me.............

Wow... Guess you can't fall lower than I just did - 4 months.. 4 freakin' months I didn't even bothered to look at the site... Not to mention that I didn't type a single word here all this time... Damn it how I hate myself... Like that's new... What is new in my life? Let's see... I'm a student... Guess that's something... What else? How'a it going for me... - "Great it's going great..."
"Really?"
"No..it's not".... - I messed up. I fixed it. Now i'm studying what I always, well not always, "always" only say people who practically were born with knowledge of what they will study and who they will be in the future, I, on the other hand, know this only for a few years, so let me re-phrase it : Now I'm studying that what I thought I would like for about 3 years. I only understand have of what I'm getting at the lectures.. Maybe because I'm studying in UK rather than in my own country.... Oh yeah, there's a new fact - I'm studying abroad... I like it. It's fun, challenging, scary and exciting at the same time... Though I'm not enjoying this to it's fullest... I'm not getting drunk or waste every weekend... I'm actually going to my lectures... When I'm at home, I'm just at home...  Sitting... Doing nothing... I have the full opportunity to do whatever the hell I want and not give a damn about what the parents might say - cause they're miles away, but noooooooo... I'm not like that... I'm the geeky one. Sad geek. That's what I am... I can't even be in the mood to make love with my Boyfriend every night. I mean c'mon !! There's no danger we'll get caught. So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ???!?!?!?! I AM, that's what. It pisses me off... It makes me so furious...... But it's just how I am... Hopeless...- write a single word and whole bunch of memories come back to life.... Click on a song's title and the images start dancing in your mind....- It took me one second to remember a song and how much my friend like it at the moment... She like Rihanna's "we found love" so much it started to annoy me and after a while I even didn't care anymore, I just started enjoying it along with her... Now I felt the urge to listen to that song and some others as well... Memories are a powerful force... They keep you warm in a cold night... They make you smile when you're down... They make you think about your past, present and future... They make you realize your mistakes... Makes you miss those careless childhood days... Makes you regret you didn't kiss your crush when you had the chance... Makes you wonder what was your big sister doing with that boy when you came into the room... And when you realize it - makes you laugh.... Doesn't it? I wonder what would we all be without our experience and memories.. Probably just some dead-bodies on vacation... It amazes me... My own ability to change moods so easily... An hour ago I was ready to shut the door and go into the night wondering around the town..... No matter what my Boy would say.... Two hours ago I was desperate to get into a fight... And yesterday I was so fed up with my Boy sounding like my mother... Every time we play W.o.W there's something that makes us fight... Usually that "something's"- me... I never played any computer games or any games for that matter, well, yeah I played some basic small games, but nothing like this one... It's hard for me to control my char, make it move and stuff, but all those other commands.... Spells, rules, abilities, tricks... I feel like I'm being coached for the army or something and the "Big Bad General" is my own Boyfriend who I love so much.... I'm only playing this game because of him in the first place... Why ? Well daaah - I wanted to spend more time with him, and have something what to do too when he's playing... At first it was scary... Hard.. Later it got fun and harder.. But I got the hang of it.. At least I thought I did.. Apparently I don't... I mean - I know there's still a long way to go for me, obviously... But.. It just makes me so angry when he starts bossing me around... Well he's thinking he's giving me useful advice and tips how to play, what to do or not do and stuff, but it seriously pisses me off when all that "advice giving" starts to sound like my mom's speech about how I'll never learn anything if I'm going to be scared and in denial.... C'mon...... HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME and not bitch me around....... I want to play the game cause I like it now. And it's fun when we're both playing at the same time in the same room... But I don't think I can stand him being the one telling me the same things my mom use to tell me.... I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him now, no... Besides, we're pretty bad at "breaking up"... Few times it seem like we're going to end it, but it always came down to one thing - us crying about it in each others arms and not splitting up.... As a matter of fact one if the "ending things situations" had happened quite recently.... Of course I was the one who started it... Not intentionally, but eventually my actions, or words, to be precise, led to us talking about ending it for good.... It all started when we got into yet another fight about something so not important that I don't even remember... No wait, I do, I do remember... It was about how "cranky" I was... For some reasons I was seriously upset and it made Him upset, cause I was treating him badly without realizing it, like accidentally, I had no intention to make him upset but all my actions said otherwise... Both mad at each other we went to bed.. I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to write Him yet another of my "explanations". Why did I put that last word in quotation marks? Because I do a lot of things for which I do not have any reason why I do 'em. I just do. It's how I roll.. I don't need logic and rational thinking all the time, I believe that sometimes you just do stuff. No words need to explain why. BUT. Sometimes just so happens that I do, say or whatever the action I did, that makes Him upset, offended or angry with me... And when I try to tell him why I act like this, basically explain myself to him, he says something like - "I don't need your explanations, okay?" or - "Just don't explain yourself okay. Say you're sorry. Admit you were wrong." - How can you understand another person if you don't want to listen to their side of the story? It hurts. I know I'm fucked up, but if you don't let me explain myself when I can - then it just hurts more and I loose the will to talk about the real problems later... No body's perfect, so why does it fell like you want me to be perfect ?... why it feels like every time when I react somehow a bit more strongly to what just happened in the game you rise your voice and tell me to stop ? Why does it bother you that I complain? Whine? Like it was different with you when you started playing years ago.... YEARS !!! Of course it's easy for you to talk when you've been gaming in the same realm for god knows how long..... C'mon - give me a break.... I'm a girl for fuck's sake... The kind which normally can't develop expert gaming skills in hours when you had freakin' years to do it!!!.... What happened to us? We were so good... I thought of us like if I were somebody else lookin' at us from across the room I would think something like : "What a pair.. I wish me and my partner could be like those two"...- What happened to us? Did we make a mistake by rushing things? I mean, after a month and a half - couple, few months later we decide to go abroad, study and live together... And the summer ? What kind of summer was that? Fighting all the time?... Didn't help when I broke the handle on the bike ether, huh?... We have so much in common but at the same time feels like we're too different to get along...I'm lost.. I'm so angry with you for sounding like a disappointed with me boss ever time I mess up in the game... I the freakin' game... Why is it so hard to tell you stop doing it? Maybe because every attempt ends in you saying something rational about how irrational and stupid I am... I want to keep playing. I want to stay with you. And I want us to play together. But please, please tell me how we can work this out?... I know I'm not going to stop reacting and showing my emotions and I know you won't stop dislikin' it ether.... Why it has to be so complicated?...
I hate it when people tell me to stop emoting... Can't stand it.. It makes me all furious but only inside, because it's just how I am, you tell me - it's a good chance I'll do it. But doesn't mean I'll like it... This is what happens with me when I can't express my feelings - I bottle 'em up and, well basically stock 'em. Till there's no more space for them and all those unsaid things "fly in the open", so to speak... I used to mumble silently a lot of things I wanted to say to my mom when we used to argue but couldn't. Now I feel I'm starting to do the same with the person I love now.... Not saying that I don't love my mom, I do. But... You know what I mean... It's not a good sign.. But I just can't help it... I feel like yet again I'm being forced to repress certain parts of me... I can't live like that.. I'm trying to control myself but it doesn't seem like anyone's noticing my effort.. There were so many situation I could've just screamed my thoughts out and start a fire I couldn't put out later, but I didn't... But sometimes you just have to show some emotions, whether someone likes it or not... And just need to deal with it. Because they love, support and understand you...

I'm a terrible person... I'm a terrible girlfriend and a friend.... I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I still act like a stubborn ass... What is wrong with me? I mean after all this time I should be better than this... But I'm not... I behave like a bitch while my Boyfriend tries to be the sweetest, nicest, funniest guy who works his  ass off to cheer me up... And what do I do? BE A BITCH. The whole time and nothing more... Just because I had a bad day.... Unbelievable.... And only after He leaves and after watching a couple of old series in order to "cheer myself up" only then I realize that the only thing that actually was cheering me up - was Him... Then I grab my phone and start typing as fast as I can, saying how sorry I am for being such a cold hard bitch and how lucky I am to have Him.... But I mean come on... I can't do this everytime... I should be better than this already... I love the guy... I really love Him... So what's wrong with me?.... I try my best to tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate all he is doing for me, but I just can't seem to do it more often... Why must I always screw things up?... Even when I don't want it to happen.... Oh who am I fooling here? I'm terrible at these things... And what's worse I'm loosing contact with my other friends... It's been months since I've seen some of my closest friends and I don't even bother to reach out to others.... I was suppose to be better, I was suppose to step forward not go back... I was suppose to change in a good way... Instead I'm doing the usual - hiding and hoping no-one will find me.... I use to do this all the time back in "The Bad Days"... I thought having a Boyfriend would change things.. Change me.. But I was wrong.... The idea of me changing - is just an idea... I thought I changed but I didn't... I start to think I fell back.... These changes, I thought I had achieved... They are all just an illusion..... I failed to see that I'm the same dark, stubborn, cold, closed person that I always was... What is it that keeps me distance from the ones I love?.... This is so not how it was suppose to be... Hmm... Suppose - great word... You can take all your worries and just lay it all on only one word - SUPPOSE - It was suppose to be red instead of pink, I was suppose to get a better mark... It wasn't suppose to rain today.. Well it did !! And you can't change the fact that it did... I was suppose to change and become a better person.. I mean - it seems to me that all of my other friends are changing, why can't I ?... Or maybe that's it.... It's too personal for me and I can't actually see who or what am I... Maybe that's the problem - I always saw myself as a looser and a failure, a screw up... Maybe I need a different prospective to see the same from a different angle.. And realize some things... Guess what I'm trying to say is - people should not say what they think about themselves, they should rather ask someone elses opinion about them... Like once every few years make a survey and hand it out to people who know you and ask them to fill out the form "What you think of me?" - would be interesting to find out what people think of you, especially if you pick up some new friends on the way you go... I can't believe I can't make time to write even a tiny Hello to a friend... Who am I?...or better yet - WHAT am I?... I don't want to become one of those girls who find a guy and just forget about the other world, the one with all the friends in it, the one which is still out there. IT HASN'T STOPPED MOVING... Unfortunately I'm afraid I have became that person.... And I hate myself for that......... I know crying won't change anything, but it has been so hard these past days.... I can't help it if I want to cry all the time.... Exams, studies, moving, rent, getting into a uni.... I'm scared as hell of a whole new life that I can't even tell how much it hurts...... I'm a horrible friend..... I'm so sorry for writing so little letters, I should've written more.... Forgive me...