I'm writing.. But not what I should be.. I have three assignments total of 5200 words and I just can't force myself to sit down and start typing like I do here... I don't have a problem with writing, but when I do it's usually studies related... I have a week off to do all I need and three days already past.... I did 1/5 of what I was suppose to do....... The problem isn't in the assignments. It's not like I don't understand or can't write - I just won't. Because there's so much bullshit and I can't decide whether to just keep swallowing it over and over and over again and just keep my mouth shut or to just scream it all out from the top of my lungs and get it over with......... The hell I know........ It's not like I can talk to somebody who's absolutely neutral to give me and eval of things and tell me that I'm not crazy......... When I was little - my mom used to talk to me about a lot of things I did not understand... And I listened.... Every issue, every new idea, every almost everything... Most of the time I couldn't understand anything but somehow I still would come up with a question or a comment or whatever..... And now when I need that somebody, that little me to listen to me and give me some kind of feedback...... Doesn't feel like somebody's there...... I can't keep complaining to my boyfriend about what's bothering me. I sure as hell don't my mom knowing about anything more she doesn't need to know. And I can't burden my friends with it......... Why I have to be so complicated? Why I can't just drop everything and let it go? Because it's NOT WHO I AM. It's not what I am... What am I? I have no idea........... Don't think writing all things that I like down will help me realise that..... It's almost hilarious how I've been told that this is how people are, this is who they are and you can't change that. You can't change who people are. And yet where ever I go, everyone who I met - try to change me. You can't talk like. You can't say that. You can't look like that. You can't think that.You can't anything. Everyone just sees others and fail to recognise themselves and what they do..... And it's so annoying when you're living in a house full of guys who don't give a fuck about anything that goes on further where they stand or sit..... When you're trying to be nice and no-one hears you the first the second and the 3rd time - fuck 'em. You start playing by their rules and you find yourself just slightly more relaxed. Eventually they start saying things that they do, but don't want you to do. At that point you look at them - and you just feel the urge to start a fire, I mean gasoline is already spilled... All it needs - a spark...... And you just feel how the match is slipping through your fingers, but then you breath for a milisec and think - it's not worth it, so you say ok - just that it would go away faster. It works with people who you don't give a toss about, but when your boyfriend starts to raise his voice at you because in two hour silence you said SHIT with a little pitch in the voice - then that box full of matches seems to be just screaming at you - light us! Light Us! LIGHT US! But you don't. Because it's not worth it. It happens again - he starts saying how stupid you look when you do this and that and and then you start to crack bit from bit - and you just state that you DON'T GIVE A FUCK. But he's so convinced you do, because he knows you better than you do yourself - he keeps coming at you with it. And as much as you want him to stop - you can't help to think when you're gonna crack and all hell breaks loose........ You just can't help stopping the matching from falling.......... And yet you still catch it. Sure you get burned and it hurts - a lot. But you are trying to do your best to manage your emotions since it's such an issue to the world when you show them..... But he doesn't see that. He still thinks I'm showing to much of them and not enough of something else......... Yeah right - like I'm going to want sex every night when there's been over half a year he brought me even one tiny flower...... He used to bring them almost every week back home, but now.... I guess in his mind - since we're both stuck with each other in a another country - there's no point in being nice and romantic anymore - just horny all the time. I got a rose one day - some people where just giving them away on campus and I got one. I looked at it and I so desperately wished it had been from him....... Everyday I wake up and think, no not think - dream, how lovely it would be if he did something to surprise me, you know? To show his affection..... Like come to campus, find me and give me flower or just a hug or I don't know - a sandwich since I always go out on an empty stomach and usually don't get anything for myself during the day - and he knows that. But no... Nothing like that.... Back at school things like that would happen more often.... Sweet, simple things..... But back then we didn't live together, we were more apart...... Maybe that's the problem - we're to close now...... The hell I know - all I do know - I can't tell him to surprise me with simple things every once three months.... It'd be like living a movie, and your the director, producer and actor at the same time - I don't want that.... I don't want to be a control freak more than I need or have to be, but Lady Fortune is not on my side.......... I'm already a huge control freak who has zero people skills, gigantic emotional problems, tons and tons of unresolved issues with have of my life, sensitivity is through the roof to everything anyone says to me, usually to bad things, what else? Dreaming about what kind of person, life I'd like to be and have and never doing anything.... Oh, and looking like an idiot every time I open my mouth - this one has come back from the grave recently..... I know I'm not perfect or anything close to it, but it's who and what I am. So what if I get to "into" something I do: watching a movie, series, reading a book (haven't done that one in a while) or playing a god damned video game. Is that a crime? No... Is it so bad that I have to related a face to all my problems, no matter how stupid it looks? No. I need somebody in my life I could hate constantly because it's just easier to beat the hell out of the problems when they have a face and a body. Dropping somebody in a jar and watching them scream doesn't work for me. I'd rather seem like a psychopath by admitting that I enjoy burning and cutting up and feeding limbs to sharks in my mind over and over and over again than just forget about everything..... I can't lock away all my problems and let them rot. It's not who I am. I wish I could - but I can't. Don't know why. I do know that it is wrong to let somebody else feel that rage you have for someone else. There's two types of mad: when the target is the same and when target of anger and the one who receives it - are different people. The second one happens to me more.... Unfortunatelly I tend to hurt someone very close to me almost on a daily basis because of all the irritation I'm carrying around inside. Because I bottle everything up more - as "handeling" my emotions - I use other "methods" to get by. Not proud of things I say or do in that "state" but still better than an hourly meltdown..... So the punchline of this story is : Why the fuck I can't be who/what I am when everyone else has that excuse ?!?!?!?!! You try being strong, you try appear weak, you try to balance them out, but it never works. Nothing works for me... and I either end up hurting people or being the idiot in the room....... Help me.............