Strange, how long has it been. I log on every six months or so now and I still find stats, that show minor trace, left by someone who read my blog. Or maybe it just was pure chance when somebody came across it? What ever the reason - it makes me smile, to know, that this place is still here :) I don't really have much to say

I started this entry looong looong time agoo... I can't even remember what I wanted to say that time, but I remember writing :)) It really has been a while.... Even My Biggest Fan told me so :P Yes, yes, I'm talkn' 'bout you :P You know what I mean :D So, did I miss anything ? :)) Guess I did, but, I missed writing.. A lot actually... There were time when I actually cautgh myself thinking about stuff, life, things and other matter in a way I would write it down in here... I thought about doing it afterwards, but it always slipped my mind... I mean - at work, no matter how shit it is and mine - oh believe me when I tell - it is pure bullshit, literally, anyway  - no matter how shit that job is, you can't exactly just take off and write what you think in the notebook or something like it... So, by time I'd get back - I would be too tired, too hungry, too pissed off to think clearly and the only thing I'd wanna do would be to scream my lungs but oh what a surprise, I can't even do that......... No matter...
After so long, you kinda get use to the fact that you don't have a life. I mean - my relationship is going down hill (took it long enough), I hate the place I live in, my studies are not making it easy for me, I can't exactly say I have friends, but that is just because I alway had the issue of calling someone my friend, you know trust issues, what I have here in England is - people I know and can talk to, occasionally. My family - what family? And work - oh fu*k sake.... That's a whole other topic.... I mean, recently my BF said to me: "Why are you doing this? Why are you destroying your life? Why don't you do something about it?" And all I could say was : "What life? How can I be destroying something I never had and still don't have?" And it's true...
What life did I ever have? Being bullied? Hating school? Wanting to die just so I would not have to go back to that hell hole? That's what you call life? Really ? Well than I am just too stupid... I mean, I can't call 12 fucking miserable years of my existance LIFE if I hated almost everything about it? Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, but most of it yeah. There were some of the good time I had with my friends.. But that didn't last for long... I mean the happy feeling. Why? Simple - they moved on and lived their life's while I was always stuck in the past trying to contain those happy memories while they were still fresh and just try and stay that way for as long as my mind could last before it came back to reality... Nothing ever made  me smile so much as those good times I had with my friends.... But, like I said - they didn't last long... And now.... I have this illusion, or is it just that I am stuck again in the past, thinking it can be all the same, like it was before when we get back together... But everything is not...
So much has changed and I still don't have a life... How can it be life if I am trapped and have to hide and contain myself all over again... Why the hell did I run away to the god Damned England if I still can't be what I really am? I mean... I know I can be a better person than this... I'm not a bitch.. Not all the time. I can be nice. I can be fun. So why aren't I? My opinion is : I do not feel free enough to open up completly and enjoy life. I mean: how can I? I live in a house with a horde of bastards. It does not make it easier for me because, I am not one of those poeple who can easily not give fucks and just live the way they want without any acknowledment for other human beings that live in the same house as you..... It's common fucking sense. But I guess I am some kind of a freakin' dino, cause as  far I as can see - I am the only one in the freakin' home that knows what common sense is.
Anyway - those little crumbs I had, those tiny pieces of MY LIFE I was trying to build are scattered by the four winds.... I mean - I have no idea what so ever why that guy that is sitting in the next room still considers me as his GF if two days ago he said himself: "I see no reason why we should still be a couple"............ I'm 21 - what do I know about life? Seriously.......... This is my first ever (probably last too, but not in a good way) relationship and I have absolutely no idea what am I doing wrong... So ok, fine, I suck in bed - not that way - I mean I don't do any tricks or flex into a pretzel or stand on my head or anything like that - I mean, I don't do anything......... WHY? Because I don't want to do anything at all... And it does not help that both of us have no XP.......... I thought if I ever gonna have a BF, he would be older than I am and he would take care of me, you know, show me what life is all about. And why not? I've been taking care of myself for most of my miserable life, all I want at the moment is for someone to take care of me - yes I know how it sounds... Like I'm 45 or something, well too bad - cause that is exactly how I feel... I mean - I am 20 fucking 1 and I already feel like I had at least two failed marriages..... And you know, being a psychology student - does not help... I know what I want, I know why things are the way they are, but I do not have any solutions to the problem... Well, I kinda do, but I am too afraid of that... So yeah..
Back to the topic - I have no life. What I have now - is bullshit. I hate it. I try to fix some parts of it, make it better, but it just keeps blowing up in my face... (not that way,you,perverts..jeeessss...) As far as I can do something about the mess that is suppose to be my life - I can only wait to move to a place where me and my BF can be alone and have sex without interruptions from  "roommates" because they heard a few lound gasps for air.. Bastards ruind one of the best sex we were having........  So yeah, that's the only thing I can do - hope that we will last long enough to get ourselves a place were I could finally fully open up and start living...... Maybe then I will be able to stop being miserable.... If that don't work - screw it. Screw all of it. Nothing will make me happy. I mean really - if,you know, the endless possibilities of when and where and how you can have sex with your partner without disruptions does not make a person happy (to start with) than well, I guess nothing will, cause other things cost more...
Although... I would settle for a lot less for the time being.... The problem is - how do I make my BF realise a few things about me without actually telling him that.... Yeah, that's that kind of "female charm" I do not posses.... I mean, I am an animal, a wild one for that matter but I am only what the 12 years made me. An example? Alright, here: you yell at me, I yell back. You kick me - I kick back and so on. I think you guys get the picture. So, what I am saying - when I am already blowing fuses don't, please, don't yell at me. Just embrace me and hold me till I calm down, storke my hair, my back, whisper in my ear " It's ok, baby, sshhh, don't worry, all is gonna be fine, you'll see, soon, baby, soon".... Am I asking too much? Just don't fucking yell at me..... I hate that.... Be gentle and soft and I'll purr for you... Treat me like a wild animal and I'll act as a wild animal: I'll bark intead of talk, I'll bite instead of kiss, I'll growl instead of purr, I'll runaway instead of running toward you... I mean, really - is it that hard to see? You bite - I bite. It's that simple....
My guess is that both of us are just too immature for a relationship that we threw ourselves into.. We are not ready to live with other people. He acts like a child, I do the same and we end up not peaking for days - great way to solve problems... Two years it's been like this... How we are still together - is beyond me...
I am writing and so many ideas are coming back to me, all new topics as well, and other things - I am almost overwhelmed by them... Damn I miss writing... Almost as much as I miss talking to my cyber WoW friends...... Damn Molten... I lost two of my pleasures in life - my druid and talking to people.
Ever since I started being in a relationship I missed being able to go to online chats and finding people to talk to... When we started playng WoW together, I got that opportunity back. Why did I stop chatting with people? Good question, I think, I saw it like a form of cheating, I do prefer guys over girls when it comes down to online chats... So I guess I thought my BF would be mad at me if I started spending time on the online chats and stuff... But I miss it, I miss it so much.... So when WoW came along, chats were back as well. I got one of my favorite activities back, and HE could not have been mad at me cause we were always together, at least till lvl 80... After that - poof ! We split... he went on raids and I would just log on to chat with my friend. Later I made some more - it was cool. Especially finding this one character.. We said we would chat again in the fall and we never got to that part... Later, just after X-mas - servers crached.. All was lost.. I could not regret more not giving my skype to that person when I still had the chance, maybe I would still have at least one small pleasure in life.. Damn how much I miss it.. What I would not give to find a way to chat again... Wish I could send the guys a message or something, let them know I still remember them..
Oom, Kast, - if you are out there - I miss you guys... You probably don't even remember me, but I still sometimes think about you... Hope all's good...
Eh, worth a shoot xD I can't loose anything more than I already had... And I has so happy before the New Year and all, that at least one of them remembered me.. I was really looking forward for that chat... I regret many thing in my fucked life, but this - is the biggest one yet... Molten - you just take, and don't give, do you ? xD
Anyway..... I forgot what was suppose to be the point.. Anyway, it's getting late so, I'mm gonna try and get back to ya soon than every once a year xD

See ya!

Oh and for all of those psychologists like me out there - I know all you gonna tell me what my probs are, so save yourselves the time and don't diagnose me, cause I already have... I they do not have pillss to cure the stupid - not that I heard of....