Ever had this feeling like you would just stay in and do something you wanted to do for a long time? Like see a good movie or read an amazing book? Rather than just deal with issues or hang out or something? Probably yeah.. Me? I have this feeling all the time... Mostly... I am so afraid of my own life that I just usually prefer whenever I get the chance to just hide behind some long-lost activity rather than face reallity - which sucks most of the time.. Like remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of something? Would did you do back then? Hug a teddy bear really really hard? Cry for mommy? Hide under a bed? Heck, even turn to your imaginary friend for help, right? And what you do now when you're scared of something? Tell yourself it's not real? There's nothing to be scared of? It's all in your head? Or better yet - face your fears. Right? Well me - I'm a bit different. Everytime I get scared of something now I feel like a kid again. A little, fragile, sad girl. And instead of "facing my fears" I turn to my "imaginary friends" for help. It mostly go like this: I get disappointed with myself (usually on a daily basis), I find a place (always my bed, if not in my mind a better place then I am at, at the moment, in real life) and imagine myself doing something that my inner child would've loved to do back in the day. Like shoot fire balls with my hands, cast spells, fly, fight monsters. Stand up for myself, talk to others, have a life that I would have liked having in real life. I hade away in my own mind because I can't handle the reallity and this is fucked up on so many levels cause I'm 20 For Fuck Sake. I should be better than this but I'm not. Why? Because I never learnt how to actually "face my fears". I never learnt how to kick fears butt. Instead I just run and hide and pray it doesn't come after me. Which it usually does. And the best part is, and by the "best" I mean something entirely oposite, I am so afraid of my mother I can't tell her or do anything that doesn't live up to her expectations. It's not like she wants me to be president or something, no. She just wants me to do the "simple" things she thinks are the most important in life. Like: grow up. Check. Finish High School. Check. Get into uni. Check. Get a job (anykind for now and a "real" job after graduating). Check (in a way). And since I'm not doing all this alone, but I have a boyfriend. That means the same rules apply to him as well. And how dare he NOT TO STUDY. How can he even think of such treachery? Well - he is and he does. And because my boyfreind is not satisfaying some kind of an "ideal" in my mother's world - he is no longer worthy of me or anything for that matter. Because my mother fails to see that this "not studying" isn't such a big problem I am left in the crossfire and fell like I am being forced to choose between the one I love and my family. Romeo and Juliet you might say, yeah well they had it easy. Me? Yeah right... Everytime I think about a conversation between my mom and me I become that little frightened girl who sits alone in a dark room and praying that nobody comes and finds her till all the yelling and screaming stops... Everyday I shiver with fear just by a thought that I can get a call from her asking to talk about how's it going for "our boy"... You have to understand I am nothing like her. She is strong, intelligent, rational, "domineering" (if I am using that word right), persistent. If she sets her mind to something - oh it is on. She will not rest till she has her way. AND I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT. I don't have all that "strenght nad stamina" that she has. I am weak, emotional, stuborn, but not in a good way, no self-confidence or -esteem. Everytime I get an idea of any kind I just keep it to myself because I AM AFRAID it will blow up in my face..... I might try and imagine what could happen if I worked on it and when I do - I'm so fired up, like doing all kinds of thing to get it done and at the end - I am so happy. But all that happens in my mind only. In really I am stuck with, well - me. I am not my mother's child. I'm nothing like her. And I am so afraid of her that I just hide under a blanket and go back to all the happy memories I have - which usually end up being science from movies and cartoons. I look for comfort, support and compasion in people and situations that are fictional. Because that is the only time I feel truly safe and sound. That is the only time I feel myself. And boy Am I made for drugs or what?... No matter what I do, no matter where I'll be - I'm never gonna be good enough for her. I mean. I left my home, my family, my friends behind and wnet to a another country just so I could feel human for a change, like to truly see what I am capable of on my own and to run away from my mother's influence and all and I am still failing at this. What was the point for leaving evrything and everyone if I am still trapped. And the more I think of it the more suicide is becoming the right choice... Not saying that I have a "full-proof" plan or anything but I did think of it more in the past weeks than the last time I felt so hopeless..... And all it tooks was one skype-video-call with my mom to get me in tears because she was screaming at me through the screen. The screen, i mean - co-me-on. Really? I am so pathetic that I break down even if she isn't right there in person telling me what a piece of cr## I have for a boyfriend (that's what she thinks now). After that one talk - wich was weeks ago - I thought about killing myself in more detail then I ever did as a kid who hated everything and everyone cause I was the "entertainment" for others when they didn't had anything better to do just to pick on me in every way they'd think of - mean things about me usually did the "trick", which was I got pissed off and started acting like a caged-animal and went all "nuts" on them - that was the biggest "attraction" for everyone at the time. And in those times I couldn't find another solution then death. But somehow I survived. But now - after that "talk" we, me and my mom, had weeks ago - the same evening I wrote a suicidal note on my laptop. I even thought of buying few packs of cheapest sleeping pills and taking all of them to end the moral pain I feel. I want to have a home to go to, to return to. I want it to be a pleasant return and not because I hadn't been home in 3-5 years. I just want a nice, normal life - whatever it may be. With my own decisions - no matter how stupid they are. I just want to live the way I see best for me at the moment. I don't want or need to plan ahead 5years cause those plans never happen. But I can't. Because I'm afraid of taking matters into my own hands. Taking action. Doing something. Because I think that everything, every little idea is destand to fail. "You'll never know unless you try" - how can I try.... I mean I only got into uni so my mom be satisfied. For years I have been thinking how great doing something else after school would be. Like taking on different jobs. Travel a little. Exploring the "ocean" of the job market and all kinds of stuff - heck, even go crazy for ones, get drunk and have different kind of fun for ones in my life. But no - I never had the gutts to tell any of it to my mom so we could consider this kind of option. I may have mentioned something but no-one took it seriously... I mean a "perfect student life" for me was, how I imagined it to be: that i have a small apartment in the city, have a job as a bartender at some night club, work the hours during night, sleep till lunch afterwards and go study in the afternoon. Maybe even have a dog or some kind of a pet... Have a few friends (prefer guys), boyfriend - optional (as I was thinking a the time),meeting with my lady friends in another city on the weekend - have a blast, and get back in time for whatever I had just enough time to get back to.... I still think I would have liked this version.....

"Give me strenght not to do something stupid.- said the Brain to itself as it sturggles to keep a clear mind. While the Mind, Spirit, Soul and Heart trembled in fear... Wishing for Hope to come back to life to spark Life in the forsaken darkness covered place that is my head...."

I'm writing.. But not what I should be.. I have three assignments total of 5200 words and I just can't force myself to sit down and start typing like I do here... I don't have a problem with writing, but when I do it's usually studies related... I have a week off to do all I need and three days already past.... I did 1/5 of what I was suppose to do....... The problem isn't in the assignments. It's not like I don't understand or can't write - I just won't. Because there's so much bullshit and I can't decide whether to just keep swallowing it over and over and over again and just keep my mouth shut or to just scream it all out from the top of my lungs and get it over with......... The hell I know........ It's not like I can talk to somebody who's absolutely neutral to give me and eval of things and tell me that I'm not crazy......... When I was little - my mom used to talk to me about a lot of things I did not understand... And I listened.... Every issue, every new idea, every almost everything... Most of the time I couldn't understand anything but somehow I still would come up with a question or a comment or whatever..... And now when I need that somebody, that little me to listen to me and give me some kind of feedback...... Doesn't feel like somebody's there...... I can't keep complaining to my boyfriend about what's bothering me. I sure as hell don't my mom knowing about anything more she doesn't need to know. And I can't burden my friends with it......... Why I have to be so complicated? Why I can't just drop everything and let it go? Because it's NOT WHO I AM. It's not what I am... What am I? I have no idea........... Don't think writing all things that I like down will help me realise that..... It's almost hilarious how I've been told that this is how people are, this is who they are and you can't change that. You can't change who people are. And yet where ever I go, everyone who I met - try to change me. You can't talk like. You can't say that. You can't look like that. You can't think that.You can't anything. Everyone just sees others and fail to recognise themselves and what they do..... And it's so annoying when you're living in a house full of guys who don't give a fuck about anything that goes on further where they stand or sit..... When you're trying to be nice and no-one hears you the first the second and the 3rd time - fuck 'em. You start playing by their rules and you find yourself just slightly more relaxed. Eventually they start saying things that they do, but don't want you to do. At that point you look at them - and you just feel the urge to start a fire, I mean gasoline is already spilled... All it needs - a spark...... And you just feel how the match is slipping through your fingers, but then you breath for a milisec and think - it's not worth it, so you say ok - just that it would go away faster. It works with people who you don't give a toss about, but when your boyfriend starts to raise his voice at you because in two hour silence you said SHIT with a little pitch in the voice - then that box full of matches seems to be just screaming at you - light us! Light Us! LIGHT US! But you don't. Because it's not worth it. It happens again - he starts saying how stupid you look when you do this and that and and then you start to crack bit from bit - and you just state that you DON'T GIVE A FUCK. But he's so convinced you do, because he knows you better than you do yourself - he keeps coming at you with it. And as much as you want him to stop - you can't help to think when you're gonna crack and all hell breaks loose........ You just can't help stopping the matching from falling.......... And yet you still catch it. Sure you get burned and it hurts - a lot. But you are trying to do your best to manage your emotions since it's such an issue to the world when you show them..... But he doesn't see that. He still thinks I'm showing to much of them and not enough of something else......... Yeah right - like I'm going to want sex every night when there's been over half a year he brought me even one tiny flower...... He used to bring them almost every week back home, but now.... I guess in his mind - since we're both stuck with each other in a another country - there's no point in being nice and romantic anymore - just horny all the time. I got a rose one day - some people where just giving them away on campus and I got one. I looked at it and I so desperately wished it had been from him....... Everyday I wake up and think, no not think - dream, how lovely it would be if he did something to surprise me, you know? To show his affection..... Like come to campus, find me and give me flower or just a hug or I don't know - a sandwich since I always go out on an empty stomach and usually don't get anything for myself during the day - and he knows that. But no... Nothing like that.... Back at school things like that would happen more often.... Sweet, simple things..... But back then we didn't live together, we were more apart...... Maybe that's the problem - we're to close now...... The hell I know - all I do know - I can't tell him to surprise me with simple things every once three months.... It'd be like living a movie, and your the director, producer and actor at the same time - I don't want that.... I don't want to be a control freak more than I need or have to be, but Lady Fortune is not on my side.......... I'm already a huge control freak who has zero people skills, gigantic emotional problems, tons and tons of unresolved issues with have of my life, sensitivity is through the roof to everything anyone says to me, usually to bad things, what else? Dreaming about what kind of person, life I'd like to be and have and never doing anything.... Oh, and looking like an idiot every time I open my mouth - this one has come back from the grave recently..... I know I'm not perfect or anything close to it, but it's who and what I am. So what if I get to "into" something I do: watching a movie, series, reading a book (haven't done that one in a while) or playing a god damned video game. Is that a crime? No... Is it so bad that I have to related a face to all my problems, no matter how stupid it looks? No. I need somebody in my life I could hate constantly because it's just easier to beat the hell out of the problems when they have a face and a body. Dropping somebody in a jar and watching them scream doesn't work for me. I'd rather seem like a psychopath by admitting that I enjoy burning and cutting up and feeding limbs to sharks in my mind over and over and over again than just forget about everything..... I can't lock away all my problems and let them rot. It's not who I am. I wish I could - but I can't. Don't know why. I do know that it is wrong to let somebody else feel that rage you have for someone else. There's two types of mad: when the target is the same and when target of anger and the one who receives it - are different people. The second one happens to me more.... Unfortunatelly I tend to hurt someone very close to me almost on a daily basis because of all the irritation I'm carrying around inside. Because I bottle everything up more - as "handeling" my emotions - I use other "methods" to get by. Not proud of things I say or do in that "state" but still better than an hourly meltdown..... So the punchline of this story is : Why the fuck I can't be who/what I am when everyone else has that excuse ?!?!?!?!! You try being strong, you try appear weak, you try to balance them out, but it never works. Nothing works for me... and I either end up hurting people or being the idiot in the room....... Help me.............