How can you Love Someone when You Hate yourself?

Two Years.

16th - 19th Best Weekend Ever !! Thank You T. a lot for letting me spend those four days with you, thanks for taking care of me and having fun with me, taking me to see places I haven't saw, and thanks for being there for me... In other words - Just Thanks for everything, you have no idea how much it ment and means to me.... Sorry if I didn't show enough gratitude at the moment, but as I said, I don't really know how to show it, you know that, you were there... So, one more time - THANK YOU xoxo !!!

16th - 19th -- Four Days with one of my best friends.... Can it get any better? I not only got to stay at her place, see her, talk to her, have fun, but I also got to see the sea in Winter, got to walk around the Oldtown with the street light turned on when it's snowing while holding a hot cup of tea in my frozen hands and having a best friend walking with me right next to me.... I got to stay up real late and without any trouble get up in the afternoon, I mean, how cool is that ? Seriously, I couldn't think of a better way to spend, so called, The Long Weekend... And now the best part - The Dance. On my first day there, after a loooong and boooooring to death five hour trip by train, but I have to admit - It was worth it, every cent paid and every minute spent, it was definitely worth it. I guess you T. had to do something with what happend in the Club, I mean, seriously, nothing ever happens to me while I'm on my own, and on the first evening, night - to be exact, That happened... It must've been you, who brought me Good Luck, or at least lent some of it to me... Thanks T. xo.. So, as I was saying, on my first evening there we decided to go to the club, the entrance was free IF you had sunglasses, wich I did, but they weren't mine... Anyway, the next second we got ride of our coats and got to the dance floor, I just knew I'm not going to regret this after. I had so much fun dancing with you guys ! Thanks a lot for the opportunity to meet you... While I was dancing I didn't care about anything in the world, I didn't care about the way I looked, or how bad or good my moves were, I just cared about having fun and spending time with my old and new friends... If I can call you that ? Can I ? ... The music, the people, the dance was great, really, not to mention the cute guys all over the place.... For about three hours I was satisfied with what I had - a bunch of us and/or a few guys dancing with us four, but near the end something incredible happened... One of the guys that were dancing with us came towards me and the only thing I managed to realise that one second I was just moving by myself and the next - I was dancing with Somebody... And boy did we danced !!! I have never felt this tired when I got home... It felt like my entire skeleton was beaten so bad I wasn't going to be able to move, but everything was fine, almost, when I got up in the aftrenoon... It already was more than great to dance with Him as equals to each other while fast tracks were playing, so when the DJ turned a slow one I thought: 'It's over'... But to my surprise - He embraced me... I got so close to Him I felt His breathing and the heat, coming from Him... He asked my name, then told me I was a good dancer.. I said Thanks, I waited long to hear that... I have seriously no idea why I said that... I just said it... Guess I really have been waiting long enough to hear it... The best part in all of this - I can still feel His arms around me... That second when His hands slide across my back to hold me tighter... Or at least it's what I think, but I did feel them move... I still hear His voice in my head... I can still feel Him with my finger tips, when I stroke His neck and shoulders and put my hands on them... He seemed so simple and He was so real... More than just a couple of times we got so close I really thought Something's going to happen... A Kiss, I mean... I think I would not have mind it, but sadly nothing happened, maybe it's for the best... But His lips were so close... While He was holding me in his arms I had this feeling I never had before.. I felt so peaceful and calm.. And so strange, but in a good way... I can't come up with anything else just this - guess it's how people feel when they're loved... 'In just few hours I fell inlove, felt loved, and got my heart broken... Don't know if it's talent, but I'm gifted...' - my thoughts after I got home...
I just can't believe I won't ever see Him again....

Sometimes it's just worth taking the risk. I know that now. Well, maybe it took me long enough to realise it, but I'm sure I know that now. I always felt like there was something missing in me. Like there was a part of me locked up deep inside of me. The part that only showed when I was too lost or confused or just too bored... Even too tired to live, but not in a suicidal way, no, I'm too scared to be dead, that's all. Now I find myself actually willing to live... The Rebel in me. A Rebel, who is asleep most of the Time, but who wakes up just when things are begging to be done differently. This is the reason why I gave my gloves to a Stranger on New Year's Eve... And if I had doubts all my life , since the day I realised something was wrong between me and the world, now, I'd like to think like that, I really want to live. Keep moving forward. Go on. Step by step. I kinda see now it - finally - There's still hope for me... Maybe a microscopic one, but I still want a shot with it... A chance, I had to discover by moving across all the damned country and leaving everything I had behind me... Things change. Times change. People change. Looks change. Attitudes change. Jobs. Proffesions. Surroundings. Love. Hatred. Emotions. Feelings. Friends. Families... Everything changes... But somethings stays. Something always stays untouched. Like the Sun. Or the orbit of the Earth. Even though the Earth had evolved since the first living Dust. It hadn't changed it's movement trajectory. I know I have said many times before that I'm scared as Hell because things are changed fast and big, and I'm scared because I don't want them to happen, not at this rate... Maybe it's just a phase of optimism, maybe All Of This will be gone in the morning, but at the moment, at this very moment, I think these changes, wich are happening, I'm guessing even as I speak, are actually a good thing. I know I know. I'm being paradoxical yet again. But I just can't help it. It's in my nature to make a problem, solve it by myself, and then deny it, like it never happend... Wondering what could've possibly happend to make me change my mind? Good question. And I don't believe I have an answer... I have thoeries, hypotheses, fictions, guesses, wich need proof. And I don't have it. Not yet at least... I'm an idealist. What can I say. I want everything to perfect. I dream of a perfect guy. Of a perfect family. Love. Studies. Job. Life. Everything has to be perfect for me. And it is. In my daydreams... I have one enormous problem I can't deal with. ' I only Fell Love , when It's in my Dreams... ' And it's driving me crazyyyyyy....
Aaaaaaahhhhhhh...............

This week , on the 1st of February, I won 1st Place in the Region's English Olympiad. I still can't believe. I think I got lucky.. No matter how hard I try I just can't think of a reason: why I should start thinking better about myself... I just can't do it... I have no idea why...

There's always been something about me and Martial Arts... I was always fascinated by it's beauty, strenght, control... It has been my long long long time dream to attend Martial Art classes and now I'm living my dream. More than just living, I'm feeling it as well... Of course there's a guy involved in all of this. How else. But it's not the main point. He has influence on my actions, but the main reason I like my decision is because I saw an opened window, an opportunity, and I took it. These Self-Defense courses - A Dream Come True. Nobody even has a single clue how happy this makes me feel...

Speaking about guys - I almost fell inlove with one... He is a foreigner. A bit older than me. I haven't seen him. I haven't talked to him. I just wrote e-mails.. For a few days that was enough, just writing, communicating. It would've been enough even longer, if all of this was happining a few years back... Back than I was more than satisfied with a guy who just wants to talk to me... But now... I don't know. I guess I got tired of Cyber World. I can't seem to find pleasure in communicating withh people online... I got sick of the Cyber World. I want live action, live chats, live humans, people, live, live, live.... I am so sick of the internet and computers, I only want to watch movies when I turn on my PC... I want to interact with people, but I just can't stand even the idea of chats online... Maybe that's why I thought I was falling inlove with D. but all what it was - just a spark... It felt so good reading all that sweet stuff, not too sweet, but it was just the right thing for me. I mean, the guy even changed his nick online , just to 'surprise' me... I had fun. For a while, I have no regrets there. But I got tired waiting for an e-mail to pop on my screen... I want company Here and Now. ' I want it all. I want it all and I want it NOW ! '

It's been a while, how I am thinking about my purpose of Life. I think, my best Purpose of Life is Love. To Love and to Be Loved by one man... I consider myself One-Time only. I feel I can only love once in my lifetime. Like Wolves.... Yes, I'm being an Idealist , but on the other hand - A Spirit of the Wolf is living inside of me. Inside my Soul...

Sleep easy, xo xo T. ;]