I missed this place.. It's been a while... Guess there has been going on a lot.... A lot stuff, since the school is back.. With the exam bullshit and studies it's hard for me to keep track of anything.. Last week I a had a flu, for like a day or two, but I only went to school for one day. Last two I mostly stayed in bed, on Friday even with my Bf.. We had fun, laughed, watch a movie, talked, kissed, or just sat silently in each others arms.... I still am amazed how I managed to get to this part where I have a boyfriend... As much as I enjoy what we have, and that it seems more than enough, I still fear more and more of loosing Him... O got atached to Him too much... I love Him at as stupid does it sounds - I feel kinda lonelly when he's not around... Texting and all that cyber bullshit only works for so long, at first, but when you get to know each other a lot better, when you hang out more, spend time together - that time apart feels longer and longer by the minute... Why ? Because you want more than just a smiley face on your screen, 'cause you desire to see His eyes when you're talking, you wish you could be in His arms when you're really down and not just read : "I'm sorry. I'm with you. :) " - no, that's not it. You want to feel His arms on your back, gently stroking up and down, calmly... Asking you to stop crying, handing you a napkin to wipe your tears.... Laying down his head on your shoulder, giving you a small peck on the cheek.... Or just giving you a hug..... You want Him to make you smile with his joke, even if it as stupid as it sounds, makes no sense at all, but you still laugh your ass off, because without a reason it's still freakin funny... No matter whether you fight or laugh or have a serious talk - you still want to be with that one person... Because He's the one that picked you from all others around Him... Because He looks at you like there's no one else around, He adores you, smiles when you walk towards him, and get's a bit upset or even angry if you say something stupid about yourself, because he knows you better than you think... It's insane - I know. But You know it's true... You can't explain it, but He's right. And That's the reason You Love Him.... Sometimes you just have to admit there's something more than logic and reason...

--- I wrote this few months back - last year actually... But I still feel the same way... ---

 No matter how much I care for Him, and love Him... I still piss him off a lot... And it's killing me... Why am I such a pain in the ass?.. Why can't I just shut that part of me down and be the girl He loves... I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to make him upset.. But why do I keep doing that?.. He annoys me with his jokes and sometimes it really makes me mad.. But it passes.. I hate it, when he has to leave after I didn't do anything to work things out and then we have to figure out the problem thru texts, which annoys us both.... I'm such a mess... I try to be good, but maybe it's just in my nature to mess things up?. No. I have to be better than this.. I really miss Him.. Even more after our fights... I shouldn't have done what I did... It was our last night... Who knows when we'll get another chance to be just the two of us... I blew it big time... And now I'm just waiting for him to text me, because I don't want to bother him... I'm driving myself crazy... Like that's a surprise... I gotta stop pissing people off with my meltdowns... Especially Him...

Would it be selfish to say : "I found Love"...? I think not. I did find Love and I'm happy... More than that - I'm actaully glad to be alive... To feel... To know.. He makes me feel alive and worth something.... Everything I ever dreamed of is coming true... The way He puts his arms around me from behind while I'm cooking... The way He looks down at me... The way He breaths after we kiss... The way He gives me a hug just because He wants to.... The way He makes me smile... The way He tells me : "I Love You".... The way He touches me.. Gently.. Softly.. Feels like a butterfly is landing on my skin as gently and peacefully as it can... The way His fingers goes up and down my legs, sides, back.... The way His hot lips feel on my lips and body... The way we cuddle and snuggle before falling asleep with His hands wraped around me and His palms in mine... The way He smiles when He sees me coming His way... The way He tells me I look beautiful.... The texts I get... The attention.... The way He's changing me... All this and much more - from one person.... Unbelievable? Believe it. I mean.. Sure, it's still hard for me to realise that this is happening to me, but I'm getting use to it.. I'm really enjoying our moments even those when we fight... Usually of something I said... But hey, that's me - I'm used to saying stupid, like really stupid stuff.... But it doesn't matter how much I think I can't change... I want Him more.... I'll try my best to make the bad things go away... Because it's Love From The First Feel.... It's just too bad I sound more rational and sensible here.. Where all my writings are then when I actually talk... This will have to change... Somehow... I start realising that all what I ever wanted: a tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, clever, sharp, big, strong guy, who makes me laugh, understands me, thinks I'm not just beautiful but hot and sexy too, who knows what to say to make me feel better or helps me realise how big of a fool I make out of myself by saying something stupid, who would want to help me change all those fears and complexes into something different, something better - is Him. The guy who despite my all warnings, problems and issues still wants to be with me - is Him. He is The One from my dreams... Plus He plays the sax, soooo I basically was inlove with Him the second He told me he plays the sax.... But it took me a long time to finally feel IT and say to Him : "I Love You"... And everytime he tells me that or I say it to him.... My heart just starts beeding, I feel butterflies in my stomach, a weird, but good feeling comes to my chest... And I never felt that way before... So. When you're not sure what you're feeling, it's probably something new... And one evening I thought about Him, I felt all of the "symptoms".... And that was the moment I got it... "This is It"... I have no other explanation and I don't need one.... I'm loved. And I have someone to love. That's all I need to know now... ;]

You know what. I was wrong. And I've never been more happy to be soooo wrong about myself... I know it hasn't been long enough, but I can't believe that this is really happening... I mean, I only dreamt about it in my dreams... I only had a microscopic hope for those dreams to come true and guess that was enough... It happened.. I finally got what I wanted.... It just happened.... Just like that.... Sure the road to it wasn't as easy as others, but I'm glad, cause now I know that if you really want something - you can work thru the knots.... I'm starting to get over myself... My fears, lack of self-confidence.... Of course I'm not doing it on my own, I get some help, even if the person doesn't help me on purpose... What can I say - I'm happy.. For the first time in the past years - I'm really happy to be alive... But there is just one thing I still can't figure out - Why I can so easily believe in something that is completely imaginary, like all events happen in my mind, but I just simply cannot believe in the reality around me... Maybe reality takes more time or maybe it's just me - hell knows.... I'm just trying to say - it's not easy to believe in something when it's finally happening for real and not in your mind for the first time in your life.... Things just started happening fast from the beginning... One minute I'm just having fun, fooling around and thinking : "what the hell, it's not like I'm gonna see these people any time soon, so I might just have some "extra fun" ", when the next - I have His arms around me, holding me... Talk about the irony of life or luck... I don't know which is it anymore....... I just know that stuff I dreamed about is happening and I'm feeling happy than ever. I deserve to smile and I am, I'm smiling now. .... But there's still one thing......... One word, four letters, one meaning... I'm still terrified of It.. I mean, I want That, but I.... I don't know if It can happen so fast.... I'm getting use to other things, but It......... I'm just so furious with myself that I can't make up my mind..... I know I'm pissing off my Best Friend with this Undecided Bullsh*t, but you know - when you face the situation for the first time in your life - you forget every scenario you ever thought of.... BOOM - blank... Zero. Nada. Nothing. Just complete emptiness..... I usually get scared... This time wasn't any different... Don't know which part of my mind needs to fixed, but somethings wrong with me that's a fact..... Nothing more just "I'm sorry" came to mind.... Not because I was sorry for the other, unpleasent situation, well I was, but more than that - I was more sorry for not being able to find the right answer........ At that moment I failed............. Now I hope for another miracle which would bring some sence to my mind..........

Why can't things be easy in life?.... You meet someone, you like someone, you hang out with them - no presure, no strings attached, just freelove (like DM would say)............ Why I need to make things more difficult than they already are?.................. Why do I always have to be the one who messes up everything............... Why am I such a mess????????????..................................................... Why do I always have to start crying about everything?................................... Why am I always pretending that there is someone right infront of me, somebody with whom I am talking to, when I know there is nothing BUT AIR !?!?!??!
I'm insane.

Last night I was scared that I'll change, but this morning I realised that somethings just won't change... I always was too naive when it came or comes to good things.... I know it's too good to be true, but somewhere deep in my heart I still hope for it to be true... I'm weak - it's not a secret. I get addicted or attached to people or things too fast and then I simply shift into "Fear of loosing it" mode and just stop breathing.... I forget about other things... I start walking around absolutelly paranoid, seeing, imagining things that won't happen (which is not so "unusual" with me)..... I mean, a lot like this happened before and they all ended the same way - they simply ended... I lost every connection I once had, especially if I really really liked it.... I always do something to screw up everything.... Doesn't matter how bad I wanted it, I messed up every single time.... This time isn't any different.... I have what I always wanted and now I'm scared as hell to loose it................... Why can't I just enjoy what I have? Now? At this very momemt?.... I know why - I want, I need a guarantee that I'll still have all this tomorrow. Nothing good lasted long enough for me in my f*cked up life, so now I just grab on to anything that brings a smile to my face and try to hold on to it as long as possible, just like a man drowning tries to stay above water by grabbing anything in his way.....................