Ain't it funny? Friday, 13th, and Full Moon... I'm not very good with math, but in this case, putting all those three things together suppose to be bad luck, like very bad luck. But strangly for me it was quite a fine day, despite that it suppose to be the worst day there can be... So, my question - am I suppose to think, that my luck has change? Or I just need to hold my breath for a while and it's just a phase and it'll pass ? I would really like to think that a small miracle has happend to me.. Why? Because it's giving me hope, that I'm not a total failure and that there's still a chance for me left... Today was good, almost great. But it's all there is. Just Today. And it already passed... Hek, I'm still happy... Guess at least till the morning I'll be satisfied with my Life, if I can call IT Life...

Sleep easy, xoxo T. ;]

A lot had happend since the last time I wrote... And I'm not saying I'll write everything, maybe just the important things, or just those wich I remember...

So it's 2012... Interesting.. I don't feel any different... Not now, not before, irony to think like this, 'cause, I'd like to say 'a lot', but I would be lying, has really changed, especially when I turned 18 on December 29th just a week ago... Well, last year actually... I don't why, but some things started changing this Fall... I guess I should start with school. I still spend most of my time there, as I like to believe many of you do aswell, if not - lucky, or not so, those who don't... Guess it all started when a classmate - a guy - started greeting me by shanking my hand... It was weird at first, but I always prefered guys to girls, I mean, I'm still heterosexual, at least for the moment I am, though I hope I'll stay like this for ever, but never say never and I really don't mean to descriminate homo- or bisexual ones... But enough about sexual orientations... As I was saying: it was weird at first, but day after day I got use to it and I kept feeling better. I felt like I was accepted, well at least one person accepted me as a person, maybe even as a personality, I don't know, I'd like to, but I think it's better if I don't... Then we started spending the longest break between lessons listening to music and talking, but that only lasted for a month. But we talked later, we still do, we sit together in one lesson, we have only two periods on the same day, so he usually sometimes tries to talk to me, but I usually do not respond, cause I actually try listening to the teach. and understanding what's happening in class, than rather hearing how miserable I am from someone, who's suppose to be my only friend in This Country Town, so to speak... Come to think of it, I don't recall not even one lesson, when we both were at them, wich would have gone normally... He always comes up with what do say or do. But I still can't understand what kind of person he is. I have a few theories, but I'll share with them later, maybe. One day he can treat me as an equal friend. The next he ignors or insults me. I don't really appreciate this kind of treatment, but untill he's communicating with me, I'll have to settle for it. Unless all of this would cross the line one day and I would be pissed off really hard... Then I'll just have to make one of those, so called 'scenes' or option B: I'll just ask him to walk away from me and walk away myself... I realised o lot of times before, that I talk about him more than maybe I should, but , I really can't believe I'm saying this , it just happens. He's gifted with a way with words and people. Maybe he's acting a bit primitive, a lot of time he's jokes are more than rude, especially if they're about me. But without him I would not have a subject about what to write in my letters to my friends... Basically he's the main charecter in my letters. There are a few reasons why this is happening. First one, and guess the most importnat - I don't have a Life. Of any kind. Social, school, sports, music, art, hek, I don't know what kind there can be, but I'm really, how they call it - a 'NoLifer'.. I'm not Miss Universe 2010 or Miss Popular of any year. I'm basically a NoBody most of my time, wich is either school or home... I'm not saying I want to be accepted by 'the Public' and to be The One who everyone knows.. No, I don't need that. I just like to be something more then I am. So that I could get the hell out of my shell, that fortress with brick walls, ice cold shields, strong metal chains, I just want to break loose from all this madness I created.. Me. No-one else. I made up all those complexes wich I have or don't have. I started the countdown for 'Self-Destruct Sequence' in my mind.. I decided to renounce Love from my Life and any other warm feelings I might have for someone, because I'm scared of myself. I've never been inlove before and I don't know what's it like to be loved and to love someone. So I'm just terrified of the idea what I could be capable of doing while being inlove, because I don't know what I could do.... I guess it's complicated and hard to understand, but Yes, I'm a complicated personality, as you can probably see for yourself... Getting back from where I left off : Next reason is - I try to avoid anything what might ask to take a risk. And if the risk doesn't find me first, and things just doesn't start happening without any help from me. Well then usually nothing ever happens, 'cause I always run straight across the street if I see Risk coming my way around the corner... And the third reason could be, in a summary, - I'm pretty boring, 'cause I don't have the excitement about spending my time in school... Some kind of apathy surrounds me when I'm there, and it's an early Christmas Miracle if someone of my classmates sees me smiling... Some people can't believe hearing me talking, some can't believe that most of my time I don't speak... So if I have one main charecter who makes small things happen, then great, I'll talk about him. I know it may seem like we're more than just 'friends', but we're not. Honestly some days I don't even think we're friends, I get confused time to time... Yes I thought about us being more, but every time after I realise that's not going to happen. Well, first - he has a girlfriend he enjoys being with, second, if he could leave her, then he definitely could leave me for another one, and I don't think I'd like that... Neither would he's girlfriend.. Third - he's my classmate, I once tried that with a classmate long time ago, and I gave me a word, I won't do it again and I keep my promises... I should probably also mention, that I dreamt about him. Several times. But it's not a surprise for me, 'cause I dream people I know a lot. And since my dreams don't come really true, I'm calm about anything I could dream about.

Do you know how happy I am when I'm holding 20 or 30 pages in my hand? A letter. Writen to me by my friend. I'm so happy I cried after reading her last one. Because I felt needed. I felt so good it hurt. I couldn't help myself. So I cried a bit.. From joy or sadness, I don't know... I just cried. I felt tears in my eyes and slowly sliding down my face... I felt so grateful for a having a Friend like Her...

Can I ask you? How many of you like to feel cold cold frozen water cutting your face? I like it. I like to feel the cold when I'm outside. Somehow it makes me feel alive. When I'm walking and just feeling how snow is cutting my face, eyes, lips, cheeks makes me feel alive because of the pain it's causing... Maybe I'm a freak, maybe more or less. But I like it. The same way I like Martial Arts, Boxing, Kickboxing, 50's-90's Music, Movies, Fast Cars, Hot Guys, Sweets and loads of other small and big details...

I suck at sticking to a schedule...

Is it really a big deal if I gave my gloves to a guy on New Year's Eve and he didn't gave them back till now... I still don't have my gloves. And I don't think I ever will, they're just probably already in a trash can. There's a really small chances that a guy, who is my Friends friend, and who gave her a looooot of roses will keep my gloves. One posibility - he's keepin' 'em because my Friend will have to go them. I should probably mention, that she thinks I'm an idiot because I was the one who 'made this mess' and 'now she has to clean it up'. But I'd like to respectfully disagree. Why did I mess up? I didn't. I enjoy the idea that some guy has my or had my gloves. It's an adventure for me. And really don't like being treated like a moron... I told several times. Stop worrying and throw them out. I don't care. But please, stop saynig that it's my fault, that I'm the one to blame. Yes. Yes it's My Fault. BUT I LIKE IT. It's not doing me anything bad. I'M ENJOYING this. Please. Stop seeing this as if it is a BAD thing. It's NOT. Ok? Thank you. Second posibility. He's a decent fellow and returns things which isn't his. Anyway. I like this gig. And this is all what matters for me. Thank you and good night...

Sleep easy... ;]

Last Minutes of Summer are just Tickin' away...

Everything has a beginning. Everything has an end.
September 1st is an end and a beginning at the same time. It's the End of the Summer. Beginning of another year at school. Doesn't matter how much I'd like to be happy on September 1st, I just can't. I have no happy memories on this day. I never want to go to school, I never want to sit in there from 8am till 3pm, I always hate when I don't understand something and no-one explains it to me, I hate getting up, 'cause I always feel cold in the morning, I'm always tired, I'm always upset, sad, hungry. I hate school. I never want to go there, because I don't have a good reason, I mean a really good reason to go and be there. I hate our countrys educational system. I hate mostly everything related to school. But I'm not here to tell you about what more I hate. I'm saying that, I'd like to see this 1st as a new opportunity to start some changes. However, I made the list, I was talking about earlier, or at least some of it, and it's more like a schedule... I had more things planned for me to change, but I forgot most of them, 'cause something happend.... The usual between me and mom.... I hope I'll remember. And I also hope, I'll see changes in me till this Christmas....

I had another hair cut. Now - I really look like a guy. When I don't have any hair gel in my hair. I always liked short hair styles, so I don't mind if I look bit diffrent...

I always liked Magic. All kind of Magic. HP one, the Middle ages Merlin magic, even card tricks. I like to believe in things that doesn't exist. I remember how I use to watch magic shows on TV, especially when they were showing magic shows from America, those kind were the best, 'cause you could see Magicians from around the world with their tricks. Even if it's all fake and just shams, I liked it and I still like it. 'The Prestige' reminded me about it. Prestige is a wonderful book and a great movie aswell. It was a long while since I read anything like it. But It was most definitely worth it. I wonder why do I like magic. 'Are you watching closely?' I'm trying to. But it still amazes me how the Hand can be faster then the Eye...

I want to make a list of things I need to start doing in oder to change things around here. I just thought about how I'm making a promise to myself, how for every promise I make a mark, so I won't forget about it. I'm afraid that like all my 'reality-related' thoughts can be forgoten as quickly as it came. I don't expect you people to understand. I know it seems ridiculous - everything what I write here. But I'm not writing because I expect to be 'heard', 'understood' or 'answered'. I write because it's the only way for me to make my thoughts materialized. I think of so many things. Who doesn't. But Sometimes I wish someone was near me to ask me what I'm thinking of now. I'd gladly share it. I'm scared because some of them never gets the chance to be heard. Not even on a piece of paper. I'd tried that. I believe last summer I was writting here about a few letters with 'conffesions'. I don't believe it worked much for me, 'cause I took them back after a few days. There was no words in 'em, 'cause the Rain washed the ink away. Well I did ask for 'a sign' for a new start, though. But I didn't take the fainted paper as a sign, I was hoping for the letters to be gone. Guess it's my biggest problem - I hope for more than I get. I only gave myself one promise - I won't drink. No alcohol. I gave this promise before or after my birthday somewhere between Christmas and New Year, I don't remember the year. But I said to myself, that I won't ever drink. And successfully I've been keeping this promise for several years now. I'm going to be eighteen by the end of the year. I think this is quite an achievement. I think it takes something big to convince me to make changes. Nothing yet happened to make my change myself that much. I change hair, clothes, earings, glasses but not the attitude, manners or the tone of my voice when I speak. I can't understand why is it so hard for me just to make a list of things I need to change?... Because I don't like the word 'need to'. I want me to want to change because it's what I want, not because others think it's what I need. All I need is to be heard. I just want that somebody could know everything about me. One Person. That's all.

'All I want is Evrything,
Am I asking too much?
All I want is Everything,
Like the feel of Your Touch...'

Am I asking to much?
Yes.
Prove me wrong.