Last night I was scared that I'll change, but this morning I realised that somethings just won't change... I always was too naive when it came or comes to good things.... I know it's too good to be true, but somewhere deep in my heart I still hope for it to be true... I'm weak - it's not a secret. I get addicted or attached to people or things too fast and then I simply shift into "Fear of loosing it" mode and just stop breathing.... I forget about other things... I start walking around absolutelly paranoid, seeing, imagining things that won't happen (which is not so "unusual" with me)..... I mean, a lot like this happened before and they all ended the same way - they simply ended... I lost every connection I once had, especially if I really really liked it.... I always do something to screw up everything.... Doesn't matter how bad I wanted it, I messed up every single time.... This time isn't any different.... I have what I always wanted and now I'm scared as hell to loose it................... Why can't I just enjoy what I have? Now? At this very momemt?.... I know why - I want, I need a guarantee that I'll still have all this tomorrow. Nothing good lasted long enough for me in my f*cked up life, so now I just grab on to anything that brings a smile to my face and try to hold on to it as long as possible, just like a man drowning tries to stay above water by grabbing anything in his way.....................

I asked for a sign, to show me if there is anyone who cares about me. Guess I got my answer. But of course as always I'm not so sure... As much as I try to make myself believe that I won't ever fall inlove or get involved in a relationship - I can't..... Everything would be a lot easier if I could just stay someplace dark and quiet, someplace where I could avoid Life, but we all know that's impossible. Well, it was an opportunity back There, but here .... HERE is different. A lot. Here - I don't want to hide anymore. Here - I want to live, have fun, move on, move forward, have a blast, feel tired, feel needed, wanted, feel everything, even if it means feeling pain.... I'm used to physical one. Partly mental.... But I didn't get hurt here.... The only place I got hurt is There, I was away from home for a day, I went back There just for a day and I got hurt 2 or 3 times...... I started missing home earlier than usually.... I started missing Somebody... My summer began very unusually (go figure): I went to a party, friends 18 B-day, (I still can't thank her enough for inviting me). And things started changing - Before the party, during it, and even more after.... Then was this "joke" with the horoscopes, mine said that I should accept changes and start building self confidence... I know this is true. But the "punchline" was the part where I realised that those "changes" were already happening... " Wtf? " - I mean c'mon, that can be a coincidence.... I'm not saying I believe in horoscopes or astronomy, I'm just saying it's weird - that's all... And it seriously freaked me out..... I'm not a huge fan of big changes (just remember "The Moving") and this hypothetical truth is scaring the hell out of me..... If it's true.... Than I don't know..... If I'll change, which is what I'm doing already, then that'll mean that I don't have anything left from what I used to know as solid and unbreakable truth.... Everything will be a whole different new life.... I know things have to and need to change, but I don't know if I can handle all of this and that, especially myself.... I'm afraid to change, I don't know what It'll do to me......

But now I'm even more afraid to lose Somebody..... Don't know how long this goodness will last, but either way - I enjoyed, I'm enjoying and I will enjoy every moment I can......... It's way too good to be real, but it is.....
I really like this, what is going on, please let me keep it....

What's the difference between Loosing your Mind and Falling Inlove?... - None.

The problem is - choosing... But how can there be a problem which guy to choose, when you know you can't have either one of them...

" This is so lame I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am, so... Since mostly life is online now, and there is this trend to "twit" or "post on your wall" nearly everything what happens, like "I broke a nail today, poor me, press LIKE if you feel the same way" or "O M G what a bitch she is" and stuff like that, I am using this to say how sorry I am for being me. Just, please, hear me out first, before saying anything. I know I look like a scarecrow most of the time with my hair all messed up, and the way I dress, talk and act, and the thing that bothers me - I don't actually look like that while I don't have to go anywhere, I believe a lot of girls has this problem, but anyway, sometimes I look like a freak or just weird, because It's who I am. Weird. Awkward and freaky... I walk fast, because I think time will go faster if I walk five steps instead of three. I pretend to be as cold as ice, because I think it's easier to live like that instead of getting hurt by someone you like or even love, I honestly don't know how it works, 'cause I never loved anyone yet, can't really say I'm hoping to, but who knows... I express my emotions with a bang when I'm in the mood, or not so much, and it does have consequences when exposed at the wrong time at the wrong place... I run down the stairs at school after the bell rings, 'cause I just want to get out of it as quickly as possible, usually for no reason, just an instinct I guess, from my old school.... I walk around looking like a zombie sometimes. And sometimes I just seem like an animal, whose been in a cage for too long, and wants to get out and feel free... But actually I do feel like that for real, not just seem like it.... I know I do stupid stuff, say things wich can and do hurt others, even if I don't mean it, or sometimes I just don't say enough, 'cause I think it's not worth saying, and it's not hard to imagine, that I regret afterwards, but those who know me, those few friends - they know it's who I am... I realise it's low saying this kind of things online, but I just want people to know this. I need people to know this. People who see me all the time at school, doesn't matter if they're hanging out with me or not, if they know me or not... I just need to say this, out loud, well, write it out loud, because I am sorry for living. I'm not miss popularity, I'm not miss Universe, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I don't go out, I don't date, I don't communicate much, I don't live. And yet I am still sorry for living a life... I can't make up my mind if I do or don't care if anyone reads this piece of garbage, 'cause it's what this is, just like the rest of my sappy entries on my blog.... So.... Thank you and Good Night.... P.S. Sorry for everything I did wrong....... Later... " - I wrote this on my FB couple a weeks ago, and these are the words, wich inspired my friend to give me a strong speech about how and why I should stop feeling sorry for living.. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing then, but I do now.. At least I'd like to think so... I received (finally) a letter from a friend - long time, no see, and yet I got it, at last. I wanted to read it as fast as I could so during the break between lesson, wich was long enough for me to get the letter, and come back - grabbed the keys from my mail box at the post office and just ran... I ran down the hill and my steps were so loud, that everybody knew I was coming, they looked at me and laughed, but I didn't care, the only thing I cared was the Letter, to get it as quick as possible.... And when I finally was holding it in my hands, without even opening it I felt so happy... I mean, when the past few weeks I wasn't doing so great, the letter was the best thing that happened to me during this time... I guess I can say that all of my troubles are just my imagination, and none of them are serious problems, but I just keep feeling like a total failure, and these small tasks wich keep on failing or going the wrong way just gets under my skin and sometimes I can't take it any more... That's when I explode... And like I said - it's not pretty... But nobody has a clue how satisfied to be alive and have friends I felt after reading the two last pages of the letter.... I am more than grateful to my friend, who didn't backed down on me and put a spark of optimism and hapiness into my smoldering fire wich was almost out. But thanks to Her, I felt so good, like I never felt in these past days.... I'm so lucky to have such friends... Sometimes I even think if I deserve them... "You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile"... So I think like that too... Hell I deserve to smile.... It's just too bad I don't do it often... Don't have a good reason why, most of the time, but today I smiled... It was a real smile... Been a while since the last time I felt a real one on my lips... Usually I just try my best to fake it so that no-one else could see when I'm seriously sad, but it doesn't trun out that way, usually... I just seem angry to others and that's all... But today was different.. I really felt a true smile... I was smiling... And didn't care what others thought about me, when they saw me sitting on the sidewalk with a pile of papers in my hand with hand written words all over them... Why should I care?.... I already care too much all the time, I'm always on my best behaviour, I help people more than they could get help (sometimes), I put others needs in front of mine most of my freaking time... So hell yeah, I think I deserve to smile and be a selfish bitch once in a while.... I got so sick and tired of being the good one all the time, it was really getting on my nervous and brains... Just one day, even one day I'd like to be taken care of... Get some guys attention, not because I know the answers, but just because... For no reason... Gifts, presents, surprises made without any reason are the best ones... Especially said sweet words about you or to you.... I read something so deep and yet so simple that I said to myself I'll hang those pages from the letter on my wall.... Those 12 reasons why I should not be sorry for living was just the thing I needed to feel alive for a sec.... And even the running had a different meaning afterwards... I felt so good after it I realised what I was missing all this time.. Feeling Free.. Unstoppable... Not caring about anything... I had too many arguements, too many times I felt like cr#p because of what others said to me or about me.... I felt like I was the bad guy all the time just by being the good one... Seriously - WTF?!?!?!?!........... Too bad the effect of the encouragement only lasted for so long... After I got home the attack of negative emotions were too powerful for me to fight back with that small spark, wich didn't have enough time to start a fire... I felt like I was trying to hold on to it with all my strenght, but something stronger kept pulling the spark out of my bleeding hands.... Until... I lost it... I just got tired of being on my own and by myself... Being alone....... I read it again, and I felt good - again... But it keeps fading away... It's strong, but not strong enough... Not yet.. I need more to keep me conected to life....

Sleep easy
xoxo Teja.....

Try to find someone decent on the "free internet" to talk to... You sit for 5 minutes and after looking around you realise that you're among imbeciles and only few people is worth chatting with... It hurts... But what hurts more - is realising that the Real ones - are all taken... Sucks, bites, blows, doesn't it ? Damn.. I'm such a mess...... No wonder I don't get the attention I desire.....