Strange, how long has it been. I log on every six months or so now and I still find stats, that show minor trace, left by someone who read my blog. Or maybe it just was pure chance when somebody came across it? What ever the reason - it makes me smile, to know, that this place is still here :) I don't really have much to say

I started this entry looong looong time agoo... I can't even remember what I wanted to say that time, but I remember writing :)) It really has been a while.... Even My Biggest Fan told me so :P Yes, yes, I'm talkn' 'bout you :P You know what I mean :D So, did I miss anything ? :)) Guess I did, but, I missed writing.. A lot actually... There were time when I actually cautgh myself thinking about stuff, life, things and other matter in a way I would write it down in here... I thought about doing it afterwards, but it always slipped my mind... I mean - at work, no matter how shit it is and mine - oh believe me when I tell - it is pure bullshit, literally, anyway  - no matter how shit that job is, you can't exactly just take off and write what you think in the notebook or something like it... So, by time I'd get back - I would be too tired, too hungry, too pissed off to think clearly and the only thing I'd wanna do would be to scream my lungs but oh what a surprise, I can't even do that......... No matter...
After so long, you kinda get use to the fact that you don't have a life. I mean - my relationship is going down hill (took it long enough), I hate the place I live in, my studies are not making it easy for me, I can't exactly say I have friends, but that is just because I alway had the issue of calling someone my friend, you know trust issues, what I have here in England is - people I know and can talk to, occasionally. My family - what family? And work - oh fu*k sake.... That's a whole other topic.... I mean, recently my BF said to me: "Why are you doing this? Why are you destroying your life? Why don't you do something about it?" And all I could say was : "What life? How can I be destroying something I never had and still don't have?" And it's true...
What life did I ever have? Being bullied? Hating school? Wanting to die just so I would not have to go back to that hell hole? That's what you call life? Really ? Well than I am just too stupid... I mean, I can't call 12 fucking miserable years of my existance LIFE if I hated almost everything about it? Don't get me wrong, not all was bad, but most of it yeah. There were some of the good time I had with my friends.. But that didn't last for long... I mean the happy feeling. Why? Simple - they moved on and lived their life's while I was always stuck in the past trying to contain those happy memories while they were still fresh and just try and stay that way for as long as my mind could last before it came back to reality... Nothing ever made  me smile so much as those good times I had with my friends.... But, like I said - they didn't last long... And now.... I have this illusion, or is it just that I am stuck again in the past, thinking it can be all the same, like it was before when we get back together... But everything is not...
So much has changed and I still don't have a life... How can it be life if I am trapped and have to hide and contain myself all over again... Why the hell did I run away to the god Damned England if I still can't be what I really am? I mean... I know I can be a better person than this... I'm not a bitch.. Not all the time. I can be nice. I can be fun. So why aren't I? My opinion is : I do not feel free enough to open up completly and enjoy life. I mean: how can I? I live in a house with a horde of bastards. It does not make it easier for me because, I am not one of those poeple who can easily not give fucks and just live the way they want without any acknowledment for other human beings that live in the same house as you..... It's common fucking sense. But I guess I am some kind of a freakin' dino, cause as  far I as can see - I am the only one in the freakin' home that knows what common sense is.
Anyway - those little crumbs I had, those tiny pieces of MY LIFE I was trying to build are scattered by the four winds.... I mean - I have no idea what so ever why that guy that is sitting in the next room still considers me as his GF if two days ago he said himself: "I see no reason why we should still be a couple"............ I'm 21 - what do I know about life? Seriously.......... This is my first ever (probably last too, but not in a good way) relationship and I have absolutely no idea what am I doing wrong... So ok, fine, I suck in bed - not that way - I mean I don't do any tricks or flex into a pretzel or stand on my head or anything like that - I mean, I don't do anything......... WHY? Because I don't want to do anything at all... And it does not help that both of us have no XP.......... I thought if I ever gonna have a BF, he would be older than I am and he would take care of me, you know, show me what life is all about. And why not? I've been taking care of myself for most of my miserable life, all I want at the moment is for someone to take care of me - yes I know how it sounds... Like I'm 45 or something, well too bad - cause that is exactly how I feel... I mean - I am 20 fucking 1 and I already feel like I had at least two failed marriages..... And you know, being a psychology student - does not help... I know what I want, I know why things are the way they are, but I do not have any solutions to the problem... Well, I kinda do, but I am too afraid of that... So yeah..
Back to the topic - I have no life. What I have now - is bullshit. I hate it. I try to fix some parts of it, make it better, but it just keeps blowing up in my face... (not that way,you,perverts..jeeessss...) As far as I can do something about the mess that is suppose to be my life - I can only wait to move to a place where me and my BF can be alone and have sex without interruptions from  "roommates" because they heard a few lound gasps for air.. Bastards ruind one of the best sex we were having........  So yeah, that's the only thing I can do - hope that we will last long enough to get ourselves a place were I could finally fully open up and start living...... Maybe then I will be able to stop being miserable.... If that don't work - screw it. Screw all of it. Nothing will make me happy. I mean really - if,you know, the endless possibilities of when and where and how you can have sex with your partner without disruptions does not make a person happy (to start with) than well, I guess nothing will, cause other things cost more...
Although... I would settle for a lot less for the time being.... The problem is - how do I make my BF realise a few things about me without actually telling him that.... Yeah, that's that kind of "female charm" I do not posses.... I mean, I am an animal, a wild one for that matter but I am only what the 12 years made me. An example? Alright, here: you yell at me, I yell back. You kick me - I kick back and so on. I think you guys get the picture. So, what I am saying - when I am already blowing fuses don't, please, don't yell at me. Just embrace me and hold me till I calm down, storke my hair, my back, whisper in my ear " It's ok, baby, sshhh, don't worry, all is gonna be fine, you'll see, soon, baby, soon".... Am I asking too much? Just don't fucking yell at me..... I hate that.... Be gentle and soft and I'll purr for you... Treat me like a wild animal and I'll act as a wild animal: I'll bark intead of talk, I'll bite instead of kiss, I'll growl instead of purr, I'll runaway instead of running toward you... I mean, really - is it that hard to see? You bite - I bite. It's that simple....
My guess is that both of us are just too immature for a relationship that we threw ourselves into.. We are not ready to live with other people. He acts like a child, I do the same and we end up not peaking for days - great way to solve problems... Two years it's been like this... How we are still together - is beyond me...
I am writing and so many ideas are coming back to me, all new topics as well, and other things - I am almost overwhelmed by them... Damn I miss writing... Almost as much as I miss talking to my cyber WoW friends...... Damn Molten... I lost two of my pleasures in life - my druid and talking to people.
Ever since I started being in a relationship I missed being able to go to online chats and finding people to talk to... When we started playng WoW together, I got that opportunity back. Why did I stop chatting with people? Good question, I think, I saw it like a form of cheating, I do prefer guys over girls when it comes down to online chats... So I guess I thought my BF would be mad at me if I started spending time on the online chats and stuff... But I miss it, I miss it so much.... So when WoW came along, chats were back as well. I got one of my favorite activities back, and HE could not have been mad at me cause we were always together, at least till lvl 80... After that - poof ! We split... he went on raids and I would just log on to chat with my friend. Later I made some more - it was cool. Especially finding this one character.. We said we would chat again in the fall and we never got to that part... Later, just after X-mas - servers crached.. All was lost.. I could not regret more not giving my skype to that person when I still had the chance, maybe I would still have at least one small pleasure in life.. Damn how much I miss it.. What I would not give to find a way to chat again... Wish I could send the guys a message or something, let them know I still remember them..
Oom, Kast, - if you are out there - I miss you guys... You probably don't even remember me, but I still sometimes think about you... Hope all's good...
Eh, worth a shoot xD I can't loose anything more than I already had... And I has so happy before the New Year and all, that at least one of them remembered me.. I was really looking forward for that chat... I regret many thing in my fucked life, but this - is the biggest one yet... Molten - you just take, and don't give, do you ? xD
Anyway..... I forgot what was suppose to be the point.. Anyway, it's getting late so, I'mm gonna try and get back to ya soon than every once a year xD

See ya!

Oh and for all of those psychologists like me out there - I know all you gonna tell me what my probs are, so save yourselves the time and don't diagnose me, cause I already have... I they do not have pillss to cure the stupid - not that I heard of....

Ever had this feeling like you would just stay in and do something you wanted to do for a long time? Like see a good movie or read an amazing book? Rather than just deal with issues or hang out or something? Probably yeah.. Me? I have this feeling all the time... Mostly... I am so afraid of my own life that I just usually prefer whenever I get the chance to just hide behind some long-lost activity rather than face reallity - which sucks most of the time.. Like remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of something? Would did you do back then? Hug a teddy bear really really hard? Cry for mommy? Hide under a bed? Heck, even turn to your imaginary friend for help, right? And what you do now when you're scared of something? Tell yourself it's not real? There's nothing to be scared of? It's all in your head? Or better yet - face your fears. Right? Well me - I'm a bit different. Everytime I get scared of something now I feel like a kid again. A little, fragile, sad girl. And instead of "facing my fears" I turn to my "imaginary friends" for help. It mostly go like this: I get disappointed with myself (usually on a daily basis), I find a place (always my bed, if not in my mind a better place then I am at, at the moment, in real life) and imagine myself doing something that my inner child would've loved to do back in the day. Like shoot fire balls with my hands, cast spells, fly, fight monsters. Stand up for myself, talk to others, have a life that I would have liked having in real life. I hade away in my own mind because I can't handle the reallity and this is fucked up on so many levels cause I'm 20 For Fuck Sake. I should be better than this but I'm not. Why? Because I never learnt how to actually "face my fears". I never learnt how to kick fears butt. Instead I just run and hide and pray it doesn't come after me. Which it usually does. And the best part is, and by the "best" I mean something entirely oposite, I am so afraid of my mother I can't tell her or do anything that doesn't live up to her expectations. It's not like she wants me to be president or something, no. She just wants me to do the "simple" things she thinks are the most important in life. Like: grow up. Check. Finish High School. Check. Get into uni. Check. Get a job (anykind for now and a "real" job after graduating). Check (in a way). And since I'm not doing all this alone, but I have a boyfriend. That means the same rules apply to him as well. And how dare he NOT TO STUDY. How can he even think of such treachery? Well - he is and he does. And because my boyfreind is not satisfaying some kind of an "ideal" in my mother's world - he is no longer worthy of me or anything for that matter. Because my mother fails to see that this "not studying" isn't such a big problem I am left in the crossfire and fell like I am being forced to choose between the one I love and my family. Romeo and Juliet you might say, yeah well they had it easy. Me? Yeah right... Everytime I think about a conversation between my mom and me I become that little frightened girl who sits alone in a dark room and praying that nobody comes and finds her till all the yelling and screaming stops... Everyday I shiver with fear just by a thought that I can get a call from her asking to talk about how's it going for "our boy"... You have to understand I am nothing like her. She is strong, intelligent, rational, "domineering" (if I am using that word right), persistent. If she sets her mind to something - oh it is on. She will not rest till she has her way. AND I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT. I don't have all that "strenght nad stamina" that she has. I am weak, emotional, stuborn, but not in a good way, no self-confidence or -esteem. Everytime I get an idea of any kind I just keep it to myself because I AM AFRAID it will blow up in my face..... I might try and imagine what could happen if I worked on it and when I do - I'm so fired up, like doing all kinds of thing to get it done and at the end - I am so happy. But all that happens in my mind only. In really I am stuck with, well - me. I am not my mother's child. I'm nothing like her. And I am so afraid of her that I just hide under a blanket and go back to all the happy memories I have - which usually end up being science from movies and cartoons. I look for comfort, support and compasion in people and situations that are fictional. Because that is the only time I feel truly safe and sound. That is the only time I feel myself. And boy Am I made for drugs or what?... No matter what I do, no matter where I'll be - I'm never gonna be good enough for her. I mean. I left my home, my family, my friends behind and wnet to a another country just so I could feel human for a change, like to truly see what I am capable of on my own and to run away from my mother's influence and all and I am still failing at this. What was the point for leaving evrything and everyone if I am still trapped. And the more I think of it the more suicide is becoming the right choice... Not saying that I have a "full-proof" plan or anything but I did think of it more in the past weeks than the last time I felt so hopeless..... And all it tooks was one skype-video-call with my mom to get me in tears because she was screaming at me through the screen. The screen, i mean - co-me-on. Really? I am so pathetic that I break down even if she isn't right there in person telling me what a piece of cr## I have for a boyfriend (that's what she thinks now). After that one talk - wich was weeks ago - I thought about killing myself in more detail then I ever did as a kid who hated everything and everyone cause I was the "entertainment" for others when they didn't had anything better to do just to pick on me in every way they'd think of - mean things about me usually did the "trick", which was I got pissed off and started acting like a caged-animal and went all "nuts" on them - that was the biggest "attraction" for everyone at the time. And in those times I couldn't find another solution then death. But somehow I survived. But now - after that "talk" we, me and my mom, had weeks ago - the same evening I wrote a suicidal note on my laptop. I even thought of buying few packs of cheapest sleeping pills and taking all of them to end the moral pain I feel. I want to have a home to go to, to return to. I want it to be a pleasant return and not because I hadn't been home in 3-5 years. I just want a nice, normal life - whatever it may be. With my own decisions - no matter how stupid they are. I just want to live the way I see best for me at the moment. I don't want or need to plan ahead 5years cause those plans never happen. But I can't. Because I'm afraid of taking matters into my own hands. Taking action. Doing something. Because I think that everything, every little idea is destand to fail. "You'll never know unless you try" - how can I try.... I mean I only got into uni so my mom be satisfied. For years I have been thinking how great doing something else after school would be. Like taking on different jobs. Travel a little. Exploring the "ocean" of the job market and all kinds of stuff - heck, even go crazy for ones, get drunk and have different kind of fun for ones in my life. But no - I never had the gutts to tell any of it to my mom so we could consider this kind of option. I may have mentioned something but no-one took it seriously... I mean a "perfect student life" for me was, how I imagined it to be: that i have a small apartment in the city, have a job as a bartender at some night club, work the hours during night, sleep till lunch afterwards and go study in the afternoon. Maybe even have a dog or some kind of a pet... Have a few friends (prefer guys), boyfriend - optional (as I was thinking a the time),meeting with my lady friends in another city on the weekend - have a blast, and get back in time for whatever I had just enough time to get back to.... I still think I would have liked this version.....

"Give me strenght not to do something stupid.- said the Brain to itself as it sturggles to keep a clear mind. While the Mind, Spirit, Soul and Heart trembled in fear... Wishing for Hope to come back to life to spark Life in the forsaken darkness covered place that is my head...."

I'm writing.. But not what I should be.. I have three assignments total of 5200 words and I just can't force myself to sit down and start typing like I do here... I don't have a problem with writing, but when I do it's usually studies related... I have a week off to do all I need and three days already past.... I did 1/5 of what I was suppose to do....... The problem isn't in the assignments. It's not like I don't understand or can't write - I just won't. Because there's so much bullshit and I can't decide whether to just keep swallowing it over and over and over again and just keep my mouth shut or to just scream it all out from the top of my lungs and get it over with......... The hell I know........ It's not like I can talk to somebody who's absolutely neutral to give me and eval of things and tell me that I'm not crazy......... When I was little - my mom used to talk to me about a lot of things I did not understand... And I listened.... Every issue, every new idea, every almost everything... Most of the time I couldn't understand anything but somehow I still would come up with a question or a comment or whatever..... And now when I need that somebody, that little me to listen to me and give me some kind of feedback...... Doesn't feel like somebody's there...... I can't keep complaining to my boyfriend about what's bothering me. I sure as hell don't my mom knowing about anything more she doesn't need to know. And I can't burden my friends with it......... Why I have to be so complicated? Why I can't just drop everything and let it go? Because it's NOT WHO I AM. It's not what I am... What am I? I have no idea........... Don't think writing all things that I like down will help me realise that..... It's almost hilarious how I've been told that this is how people are, this is who they are and you can't change that. You can't change who people are. And yet where ever I go, everyone who I met - try to change me. You can't talk like. You can't say that. You can't look like that. You can't think that.You can't anything. Everyone just sees others and fail to recognise themselves and what they do..... And it's so annoying when you're living in a house full of guys who don't give a fuck about anything that goes on further where they stand or sit..... When you're trying to be nice and no-one hears you the first the second and the 3rd time - fuck 'em. You start playing by their rules and you find yourself just slightly more relaxed. Eventually they start saying things that they do, but don't want you to do. At that point you look at them - and you just feel the urge to start a fire, I mean gasoline is already spilled... All it needs - a spark...... And you just feel how the match is slipping through your fingers, but then you breath for a milisec and think - it's not worth it, so you say ok - just that it would go away faster. It works with people who you don't give a toss about, but when your boyfriend starts to raise his voice at you because in two hour silence you said SHIT with a little pitch in the voice - then that box full of matches seems to be just screaming at you - light us! Light Us! LIGHT US! But you don't. Because it's not worth it. It happens again - he starts saying how stupid you look when you do this and that and and then you start to crack bit from bit - and you just state that you DON'T GIVE A FUCK. But he's so convinced you do, because he knows you better than you do yourself - he keeps coming at you with it. And as much as you want him to stop - you can't help to think when you're gonna crack and all hell breaks loose........ You just can't help stopping the matching from falling.......... And yet you still catch it. Sure you get burned and it hurts - a lot. But you are trying to do your best to manage your emotions since it's such an issue to the world when you show them..... But he doesn't see that. He still thinks I'm showing to much of them and not enough of something else......... Yeah right - like I'm going to want sex every night when there's been over half a year he brought me even one tiny flower...... He used to bring them almost every week back home, but now.... I guess in his mind - since we're both stuck with each other in a another country - there's no point in being nice and romantic anymore - just horny all the time. I got a rose one day - some people where just giving them away on campus and I got one. I looked at it and I so desperately wished it had been from him....... Everyday I wake up and think, no not think - dream, how lovely it would be if he did something to surprise me, you know? To show his affection..... Like come to campus, find me and give me flower or just a hug or I don't know - a sandwich since I always go out on an empty stomach and usually don't get anything for myself during the day - and he knows that. But no... Nothing like that.... Back at school things like that would happen more often.... Sweet, simple things..... But back then we didn't live together, we were more apart...... Maybe that's the problem - we're to close now...... The hell I know - all I do know - I can't tell him to surprise me with simple things every once three months.... It'd be like living a movie, and your the director, producer and actor at the same time - I don't want that.... I don't want to be a control freak more than I need or have to be, but Lady Fortune is not on my side.......... I'm already a huge control freak who has zero people skills, gigantic emotional problems, tons and tons of unresolved issues with have of my life, sensitivity is through the roof to everything anyone says to me, usually to bad things, what else? Dreaming about what kind of person, life I'd like to be and have and never doing anything.... Oh, and looking like an idiot every time I open my mouth - this one has come back from the grave recently..... I know I'm not perfect or anything close to it, but it's who and what I am. So what if I get to "into" something I do: watching a movie, series, reading a book (haven't done that one in a while) or playing a god damned video game. Is that a crime? No... Is it so bad that I have to related a face to all my problems, no matter how stupid it looks? No. I need somebody in my life I could hate constantly because it's just easier to beat the hell out of the problems when they have a face and a body. Dropping somebody in a jar and watching them scream doesn't work for me. I'd rather seem like a psychopath by admitting that I enjoy burning and cutting up and feeding limbs to sharks in my mind over and over and over again than just forget about everything..... I can't lock away all my problems and let them rot. It's not who I am. I wish I could - but I can't. Don't know why. I do know that it is wrong to let somebody else feel that rage you have for someone else. There's two types of mad: when the target is the same and when target of anger and the one who receives it - are different people. The second one happens to me more.... Unfortunatelly I tend to hurt someone very close to me almost on a daily basis because of all the irritation I'm carrying around inside. Because I bottle everything up more - as "handeling" my emotions - I use other "methods" to get by. Not proud of things I say or do in that "state" but still better than an hourly meltdown..... So the punchline of this story is : Why the fuck I can't be who/what I am when everyone else has that excuse ?!?!?!?!! You try being strong, you try appear weak, you try to balance them out, but it never works. Nothing works for me... and I either end up hurting people or being the idiot in the room....... Help me.............

Wow... Guess you can't fall lower than I just did - 4 months.. 4 freakin' months I didn't even bothered to look at the site... Not to mention that I didn't type a single word here all this time... Damn it how I hate myself... Like that's new... What is new in my life? Let's see... I'm a student... Guess that's something... What else? How'a it going for me... - "Great it's going great..."
"Really?"
"No..it's not".... - I messed up. I fixed it. Now i'm studying what I always, well not always, "always" only say people who practically were born with knowledge of what they will study and who they will be in the future, I, on the other hand, know this only for a few years, so let me re-phrase it : Now I'm studying that what I thought I would like for about 3 years. I only understand have of what I'm getting at the lectures.. Maybe because I'm studying in UK rather than in my own country.... Oh yeah, there's a new fact - I'm studying abroad... I like it. It's fun, challenging, scary and exciting at the same time... Though I'm not enjoying this to it's fullest... I'm not getting drunk or waste every weekend... I'm actually going to my lectures... When I'm at home, I'm just at home...  Sitting... Doing nothing... I have the full opportunity to do whatever the hell I want and not give a damn about what the parents might say - cause they're miles away, but noooooooo... I'm not like that... I'm the geeky one. Sad geek. That's what I am... I can't even be in the mood to make love with my Boyfriend every night. I mean c'mon !! There's no danger we'll get caught. So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ???!?!?!?! I AM, that's what. It pisses me off... It makes me so furious...... But it's just how I am... Hopeless...- write a single word and whole bunch of memories come back to life.... Click on a song's title and the images start dancing in your mind....- It took me one second to remember a song and how much my friend like it at the moment... She like Rihanna's "we found love" so much it started to annoy me and after a while I even didn't care anymore, I just started enjoying it along with her... Now I felt the urge to listen to that song and some others as well... Memories are a powerful force... They keep you warm in a cold night... They make you smile when you're down... They make you think about your past, present and future... They make you realize your mistakes... Makes you miss those careless childhood days... Makes you regret you didn't kiss your crush when you had the chance... Makes you wonder what was your big sister doing with that boy when you came into the room... And when you realize it - makes you laugh.... Doesn't it? I wonder what would we all be without our experience and memories.. Probably just some dead-bodies on vacation... It amazes me... My own ability to change moods so easily... An hour ago I was ready to shut the door and go into the night wondering around the town..... No matter what my Boy would say.... Two hours ago I was desperate to get into a fight... And yesterday I was so fed up with my Boy sounding like my mother... Every time we play W.o.W there's something that makes us fight... Usually that "something's"- me... I never played any computer games or any games for that matter, well, yeah I played some basic small games, but nothing like this one... It's hard for me to control my char, make it move and stuff, but all those other commands.... Spells, rules, abilities, tricks... I feel like I'm being coached for the army or something and the "Big Bad General" is my own Boyfriend who I love so much.... I'm only playing this game because of him in the first place... Why ? Well daaah - I wanted to spend more time with him, and have something what to do too when he's playing... At first it was scary... Hard.. Later it got fun and harder.. But I got the hang of it.. At least I thought I did.. Apparently I don't... I mean - I know there's still a long way to go for me, obviously... But.. It just makes me so angry when he starts bossing me around... Well he's thinking he's giving me useful advice and tips how to play, what to do or not do and stuff, but it seriously pisses me off when all that "advice giving" starts to sound like my mom's speech about how I'll never learn anything if I'm going to be scared and in denial.... C'mon...... HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME and not bitch me around....... I want to play the game cause I like it now. And it's fun when we're both playing at the same time in the same room... But I don't think I can stand him being the one telling me the same things my mom use to tell me.... I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him now, no... Besides, we're pretty bad at "breaking up"... Few times it seem like we're going to end it, but it always came down to one thing - us crying about it in each others arms and not splitting up.... As a matter of fact one if the "ending things situations" had happened quite recently.... Of course I was the one who started it... Not intentionally, but eventually my actions, or words, to be precise, led to us talking about ending it for good.... It all started when we got into yet another fight about something so not important that I don't even remember... No wait, I do, I do remember... It was about how "cranky" I was... For some reasons I was seriously upset and it made Him upset, cause I was treating him badly without realizing it, like accidentally, I had no intention to make him upset but all my actions said otherwise... Both mad at each other we went to bed.. I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to write Him yet another of my "explanations". Why did I put that last word in quotation marks? Because I do a lot of things for which I do not have any reason why I do 'em. I just do. It's how I roll.. I don't need logic and rational thinking all the time, I believe that sometimes you just do stuff. No words need to explain why. BUT. Sometimes just so happens that I do, say or whatever the action I did, that makes Him upset, offended or angry with me... And when I try to tell him why I act like this, basically explain myself to him, he says something like - "I don't need your explanations, okay?" or - "Just don't explain yourself okay. Say you're sorry. Admit you were wrong." - How can you understand another person if you don't want to listen to their side of the story? It hurts. I know I'm fucked up, but if you don't let me explain myself when I can - then it just hurts more and I loose the will to talk about the real problems later... No body's perfect, so why does it fell like you want me to be perfect ?... why it feels like every time when I react somehow a bit more strongly to what just happened in the game you rise your voice and tell me to stop ? Why does it bother you that I complain? Whine? Like it was different with you when you started playing years ago.... YEARS !!! Of course it's easy for you to talk when you've been gaming in the same realm for god knows how long..... C'mon - give me a break.... I'm a girl for fuck's sake... The kind which normally can't develop expert gaming skills in hours when you had freakin' years to do it!!!.... What happened to us? We were so good... I thought of us like if I were somebody else lookin' at us from across the room I would think something like : "What a pair.. I wish me and my partner could be like those two"...- What happened to us? Did we make a mistake by rushing things? I mean, after a month and a half - couple, few months later we decide to go abroad, study and live together... And the summer ? What kind of summer was that? Fighting all the time?... Didn't help when I broke the handle on the bike ether, huh?... We have so much in common but at the same time feels like we're too different to get along...I'm lost.. I'm so angry with you for sounding like a disappointed with me boss ever time I mess up in the game... I the freakin' game... Why is it so hard to tell you stop doing it? Maybe because every attempt ends in you saying something rational about how irrational and stupid I am... I want to keep playing. I want to stay with you. And I want us to play together. But please, please tell me how we can work this out?... I know I'm not going to stop reacting and showing my emotions and I know you won't stop dislikin' it ether.... Why it has to be so complicated?...
I hate it when people tell me to stop emoting... Can't stand it.. It makes me all furious but only inside, because it's just how I am, you tell me - it's a good chance I'll do it. But doesn't mean I'll like it... This is what happens with me when I can't express my feelings - I bottle 'em up and, well basically stock 'em. Till there's no more space for them and all those unsaid things "fly in the open", so to speak... I used to mumble silently a lot of things I wanted to say to my mom when we used to argue but couldn't. Now I feel I'm starting to do the same with the person I love now.... Not saying that I don't love my mom, I do. But... You know what I mean... It's not a good sign.. But I just can't help it... I feel like yet again I'm being forced to repress certain parts of me... I can't live like that.. I'm trying to control myself but it doesn't seem like anyone's noticing my effort.. There were so many situation I could've just screamed my thoughts out and start a fire I couldn't put out later, but I didn't... But sometimes you just have to show some emotions, whether someone likes it or not... And just need to deal with it. Because they love, support and understand you...

I'm a terrible person... I'm a terrible girlfriend and a friend.... I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I still act like a stubborn ass... What is wrong with me? I mean after all this time I should be better than this... But I'm not... I behave like a bitch while my Boyfriend tries to be the sweetest, nicest, funniest guy who works his  ass off to cheer me up... And what do I do? BE A BITCH. The whole time and nothing more... Just because I had a bad day.... Unbelievable.... And only after He leaves and after watching a couple of old series in order to "cheer myself up" only then I realize that the only thing that actually was cheering me up - was Him... Then I grab my phone and start typing as fast as I can, saying how sorry I am for being such a cold hard bitch and how lucky I am to have Him.... But I mean come on... I can't do this everytime... I should be better than this already... I love the guy... I really love Him... So what's wrong with me?.... I try my best to tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate all he is doing for me, but I just can't seem to do it more often... Why must I always screw things up?... Even when I don't want it to happen.... Oh who am I fooling here? I'm terrible at these things... And what's worse I'm loosing contact with my other friends... It's been months since I've seen some of my closest friends and I don't even bother to reach out to others.... I was suppose to be better, I was suppose to step forward not go back... I was suppose to change in a good way... Instead I'm doing the usual - hiding and hoping no-one will find me.... I use to do this all the time back in "The Bad Days"... I thought having a Boyfriend would change things.. Change me.. But I was wrong.... The idea of me changing - is just an idea... I thought I changed but I didn't... I start to think I fell back.... These changes, I thought I had achieved... They are all just an illusion..... I failed to see that I'm the same dark, stubborn, cold, closed person that I always was... What is it that keeps me distance from the ones I love?.... This is so not how it was suppose to be... Hmm... Suppose - great word... You can take all your worries and just lay it all on only one word - SUPPOSE - It was suppose to be red instead of pink, I was suppose to get a better mark... It wasn't suppose to rain today.. Well it did !! And you can't change the fact that it did... I was suppose to change and become a better person.. I mean - it seems to me that all of my other friends are changing, why can't I ?... Or maybe that's it.... It's too personal for me and I can't actually see who or what am I... Maybe that's the problem - I always saw myself as a looser and a failure, a screw up... Maybe I need a different prospective to see the same from a different angle.. And realize some things... Guess what I'm trying to say is - people should not say what they think about themselves, they should rather ask someone elses opinion about them... Like once every few years make a survey and hand it out to people who know you and ask them to fill out the form "What you think of me?" - would be interesting to find out what people think of you, especially if you pick up some new friends on the way you go... I can't believe I can't make time to write even a tiny Hello to a friend... Who am I?...or better yet - WHAT am I?... I don't want to become one of those girls who find a guy and just forget about the other world, the one with all the friends in it, the one which is still out there. IT HASN'T STOPPED MOVING... Unfortunately I'm afraid I have became that person.... And I hate myself for that......... I know crying won't change anything, but it has been so hard these past days.... I can't help it if I want to cry all the time.... Exams, studies, moving, rent, getting into a uni.... I'm scared as hell of a whole new life that I can't even tell how much it hurts...... I'm a horrible friend..... I'm so sorry for writing so little letters, I should've written more.... Forgive me...

Guess with all the excitement I skipped a month... Oh well... It's not like I just can write whenever I want.... Actually, sometimes it is, but I find something less brain power requiring to do in that time - can't say I'm proud of myself, but it's just how I do... Lets see what was the most amazing thing that happend to me in the last month? I believe it'd be the Dance..

I went to club with my Boyfriend and a couple of friends, as you can imagine - me and Him are the main idea, characters and action in this story... Maybe I'll start from the top.

It all began when a friend of mine and me chated about weekends plans, she told me she'd be going to the towns club that evening with some of her friends. The idea of dancing instantly clicked in my mind and as a joke I asked another friend of mine when will we be going there, to my surprise she answered : "Why not tonight." I agree on the spot. But the next moment I realised there's going to be a problem - how will I ever persuade my BF to go with me dancing if he said from the start - he hates clubs. But, to my relief - of which I  only knew in the morning after - I was overestimated things and of course I was glad I was wrong for once... When I told my Love the "news" - psychotic denial started : "I hate clubs, I won't go, no I will, but I won't like it, I hate clubs, I hate clubs, I HATE CLUBS" - this lasted till the very minute we entered the dance floor.... I love my Boyfriend... but that day he really started to get on my nerves... "Don't go then" - I said, but it didn't work... I thought the night'd be a disaster if this keeps on going, but - it didn't and it wasn't. That night in the club - I'm proud to say so - was the Best Night of Dancing I've ever had in those few years since I started going to clubs.... Sure there was this "Guy" a year back, but he's nothing compared to what I had and still have... Boy did we dance !!!! I fell in love with the Love of My Life all over again after that night.... Don't think it'd be too much to say that that night was magically spectacular ..... He lied to me!! He can dance, but I forgive him.... How couldn't I after what great time he gave me that night... At first we were just messing and fooling around... But when we got closer to each other, so close I could almost feel his heart beating under his shirt and even the loud music.... So close I could feel him breath down my neck and his chest heave at the same time.... I never wanted to be so close to him and alone with him like I did that night... When I was in his arms it felt like it's jus the two of us... Like nothing else matters as if there's nothing left, no one, nobody, nothing - just us.... I had my arms around a dream... a dream I've been waiting for .... And there HE was - in my arms as I was in his the same time.... Couldn't get any better , but it did - we danced and though it was first our real dance together - we were good from the start.... Days later I heard comments about us, saying we looked good, both, and how it was good to look at us.... He spined me, bent me backwards, we moved both up and down thru each others bodies, and even went down both at the same time, we moved as one.... - it's hard to find the right words to describe the moves we did.... But I swear we were amazing.... Never have I imagined that dancing with your own Boyfriend IS THIS MUCH FUN !!!!!! Seriously there isn't a better feeling that to feel His body's heat when He kisses you while dancing.... Didn't matter that once I couldn't stand couples kissing on the floor, I envied them, now I understand them and why... Why they do it and why it was so hard to watch them back then.... I've been to both sides now and I can tell how probablly hurt the girls were when we - well - left them and instead enjoyed each other rather then be with them.... I felt bad about the girls, blamed myself for making them come and not hanging out more with them, but I can't and won't say that I regret anything.... I don't... And I'll never be sorry for having the time of my life that night... To feel a guys arms around you is one thing, but to feel them and to know that the one who's touching you is yours and even more he loves you - is hell of another thing... Hands, body, the feel everywhere he touches, everywhere you feel him with your hands and body - incradible... The heat, the pashion, the fire, the feel - it's all there, just need to reach for it. Thats' what I've learned from that night...

No matter how good one night was, even if the morning after I heard statments like : "We'll dance more, we'll go to clubs more, I enjoyed dancing with you"..... There will always be fights after... Some you don't ever want to repeat again.... If I thought that I love my Guy, then two weeks ago I realised how much... We had a fight, one so ridiculas and painful it hurts to remember.... The moment I realised how strong our love is was the one I saw my Boyfrinds red eyes the second he turned to look at me.... He was crying because of what I said.... The second I saw his eyes I started crying myself... All the times I cried I have never started feeling tears going down my face as fast as that time... It's a Miracle how He let me near him... I crawled into the bed next to him, he grabbed me and we cried together.... Memory doesn't hurt as much as it did then, but it's still painful, I'm still amazed how we managed to go thru all the hell I created.... And how we are still together... We had "discussions" several times before, but never this painful.... There's always a few bumps on every ride - and some can really shake you up..... But still you keep on driving and we still are a couple... Even now as I'm writing - I'm in his jumper, thinking about tommorow when he'll come and we'll be together again, even for a day..... Every minute counts and I realised you need to make every second count. Live with no regrets... Too bad I already have more of them then I'd like to....

I'm falling apart... I can't keep myself in one piece.... My grades are going down... I try to learn and I fail... I mean, sure I screwed up at school many times before but not like that... I don't listen, I can't focus, I have shit loads of time to learn the stuff I simlply figure : " Why bother, it's easy, I've done it before, I'll do it again" and then I blew it...... Big time..... When I'm screaming all over the place saying "I screwd up", my Boyfriend just says : "I believe in you"...... What's there to believe in if I'm going from being OK to Dafuq........ I know these past few days there has been a lot on mind, simply of some other issues, which I'm not ready to speak about out loud.... Not untill after tomorrow, of course... BUT still it doesn't give me exscuse to be stupid...... I miss my friends..... I miss action.... Laughter.... People..... I wonder if I ever had any friends at all and if I still have any left because of my stupidity and fears of going out into the world facing it..... There are.... Or at least were so many things I wanted to write about but couldn't..... Don't know why..... Just didn't feel right.... I mean.... I tried to.... Or maybe I just thougt of trying... I don't know anymore.... I'm loosing my skills to write.... I stopped reading books, I stopped writing... Okey, so it was tough for me we all know that, but I've also gone pass it.... I mean, I do have a Boyfriend now, the one thing I thought I would never get, compered to the other two wishes : getting a tattoo and a motorcycle. Getting a Boyfriend wa ssuppose to be the hardest of the trio... And yet look who was wrong.... I know I know, I should believe in myself more, especially after I was wrong about like the most important thing in life... But I can't.... Everytime I think of myself as like I'm good at something, I screw up.... Maybe I am childish.... Maybe I am stupid... But you can't expect me to be a teenager and an adult at the same time... I mean, c'mon... What do you want from me? I'm nineteen, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes when curtain topics bring me down..... I think I too have the possibility of being scared time to time... Or even envy somebody else when they do something better then me.... I mean.... I'm human, I have feelings.... I can make mistakes, can't I ? Then why I still feel like anything I do is illegal.... Every word I say, every move or gesture I do, any other sound I make, everything, everything I do is crap and others just see me as a Kings Joker : "She's here to entertain us"... Maybe I'm paranoid, Maybe I'm crazy, Maybe I do need to see a shirnk..... Maybe I just need to stop living..... It's how I feel at the moment..... Because I'm tired of screwing up and taking all the blame for it... Why? BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANYONE ELSE WHO TO BLAME.... I mess up everytime because it's my fault..... Just ones in my life I'd like to hear someone say : "It's not your fault, things happen"..... But no. If I'm already beating myself up for what I did, then the rest of the "world" somehow feels the need to look me in the eye and say : "You're the blame". OH COME ON !! Is it so hard to lie ? C'mon people, if You already think I'm an Idiot because of how I act or do, walk and talk and even look, then why can't you just look at me as if I just got out of a Mental Hospital and say to me : "It's ok, don't blame yourself"..... Is that too much to ask? LIE TO ME...... I don't care if I'm just imagining things.... I just want for others to stop treating me like a child. I'm a TEEN. There's a difference, get it? Please, I'm not a child and I'm not an adult. yet... I'm the one in between.... I know I sometimes act as if I still was a kid, but that doesn't mean anyone has the right to shout at me everytime I do something not right.... I mean, I only lived for so long.... All I know is how to be a kid.... I'd like to believe, that "being an adult" part takes more time than I've lived... I'm still at school for F#ck sake.... Jeez..... You can't expect me to act as an adult just because you yell at me saying how stupid and childish I am... No matter the age or the standarts.... I can't be something or someone I'm not.... It took me more than couple of moths, almost half a year, to learn how to become "we" from "me"... And I'm still learning to be a Girlfriend.... It just doesn't seem right that I get bitched at for something I don't know yet... I realise there isn't much time left for me to be a reckless teen, but I never actaully had a normal chance to be one and if someday I'm going to have kids, I won't have anything to tell them about my youth.... Except of course how I stayed at home on Friday nights instead of going out with others my age.... How I spend countless nights dreaming about going wild, having fun, dancing from dusk to dawn... Messing around out in the city instead of write down what kind of life I would like to have.... Friends, family, school.... Other activities... I'm a screw up..... I'm boring.... I have nothing interesting going on in my life.... I fail to develop any of my skills just by not trying to develop them... I quit everything I start. It's a miracle I managed to stay in school this long.... Why I am what I am is still the biggest mistery for me of all.... Not that I'm saying I know a lot of them.... But that's not the point... The point is - if I can't figure myself out, how can I hope I will be able to help others do the same.....? Guess I just need more time to discover myself... But sadly time is not an ally in this case.....
Or any other for that matter.... But it doesn't stop me from dreaming about traveling the world.... Seeing the exotic side, feeling danger, living an adventure.... Hearing the desert's heat, mountain silence, jungle's threat.... Too bad I wasn't boren few decades ago..... I think I would've like the tomb riding, discovering, researching, experiencing thriller.... Because I believe in Magic, Gods, Spirits, Forces.... All that for today's man seem just a plain old fairy tale..... I mean, if dinosaurs existed, why not fire breathing, flying dragons? I would rather believe that in Ancient Egypt there actually were beings with a humans body and a face of a cat, jackal or an eagle... That in Ancient Greece there was an Olympus where the Gods lived. Watching over the people, hearing their prayers and even answering them... Beings, who had the powers over air and water, fire and earth.... All the nature.... That somewhere in the far far far away Galaxy there is another world with its inhabitant...That they also have a history, present and a future.... I choose to believe all what is forgoten, lost or unknown, whether than one man created our world and is watching us from somewhere far.... Like once a wise astronout Juryj Gagarin said : "I looked and looked but I didn't see God" or more likely : "I see no God up here..." People centuries ago believed that one man cannot be able to control everything, that's the reason why kings had advisers, subjects. That's why there was only one Zues and a bunch of other Gods who had different powers and "responsibilities" to take care of... That's why the Indians had all kinds of spirits to guide them.... Even the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas had a God for everything....
I just wish I could have even a smallest glimpse to how the world was before my time... To relive it... Because I'm a believer...

Oh well... Guess it's enough dreaming for one evening... Time to get back to my boring and yet another sad evening... It's a good thing I'll be going to bed soon....

I just want tomorrow to start and end faster...

I missed this place.. It's been a while... Guess there has been going on a lot.... A lot stuff, since the school is back.. With the exam bullshit and studies it's hard for me to keep track of anything.. Last week I a had a flu, for like a day or two, but I only went to school for one day. Last two I mostly stayed in bed, on Friday even with my Bf.. We had fun, laughed, watch a movie, talked, kissed, or just sat silently in each others arms.... I still am amazed how I managed to get to this part where I have a boyfriend... As much as I enjoy what we have, and that it seems more than enough, I still fear more and more of loosing Him... O got atached to Him too much... I love Him at as stupid does it sounds - I feel kinda lonelly when he's not around... Texting and all that cyber bullshit only works for so long, at first, but when you get to know each other a lot better, when you hang out more, spend time together - that time apart feels longer and longer by the minute... Why ? Because you want more than just a smiley face on your screen, 'cause you desire to see His eyes when you're talking, you wish you could be in His arms when you're really down and not just read : "I'm sorry. I'm with you. :) " - no, that's not it. You want to feel His arms on your back, gently stroking up and down, calmly... Asking you to stop crying, handing you a napkin to wipe your tears.... Laying down his head on your shoulder, giving you a small peck on the cheek.... Or just giving you a hug..... You want Him to make you smile with his joke, even if it as stupid as it sounds, makes no sense at all, but you still laugh your ass off, because without a reason it's still freakin funny... No matter whether you fight or laugh or have a serious talk - you still want to be with that one person... Because He's the one that picked you from all others around Him... Because He looks at you like there's no one else around, He adores you, smiles when you walk towards him, and get's a bit upset or even angry if you say something stupid about yourself, because he knows you better than you think... It's insane - I know. But You know it's true... You can't explain it, but He's right. And That's the reason You Love Him.... Sometimes you just have to admit there's something more than logic and reason...

--- I wrote this few months back - last year actually... But I still feel the same way... ---

 No matter how much I care for Him, and love Him... I still piss him off a lot... And it's killing me... Why am I such a pain in the ass?.. Why can't I just shut that part of me down and be the girl He loves... I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to make him upset.. But why do I keep doing that?.. He annoys me with his jokes and sometimes it really makes me mad.. But it passes.. I hate it, when he has to leave after I didn't do anything to work things out and then we have to figure out the problem thru texts, which annoys us both.... I'm such a mess... I try to be good, but maybe it's just in my nature to mess things up?. No. I have to be better than this.. I really miss Him.. Even more after our fights... I shouldn't have done what I did... It was our last night... Who knows when we'll get another chance to be just the two of us... I blew it big time... And now I'm just waiting for him to text me, because I don't want to bother him... I'm driving myself crazy... Like that's a surprise... I gotta stop pissing people off with my meltdowns... Especially Him...

Would it be selfish to say : "I found Love"...? I think not. I did find Love and I'm happy... More than that - I'm actaully glad to be alive... To feel... To know.. He makes me feel alive and worth something.... Everything I ever dreamed of is coming true... The way He puts his arms around me from behind while I'm cooking... The way He looks down at me... The way He breaths after we kiss... The way He gives me a hug just because He wants to.... The way He makes me smile... The way He tells me : "I Love You".... The way He touches me.. Gently.. Softly.. Feels like a butterfly is landing on my skin as gently and peacefully as it can... The way His fingers goes up and down my legs, sides, back.... The way His hot lips feel on my lips and body... The way we cuddle and snuggle before falling asleep with His hands wraped around me and His palms in mine... The way He smiles when He sees me coming His way... The way He tells me I look beautiful.... The texts I get... The attention.... The way He's changing me... All this and much more - from one person.... Unbelievable? Believe it. I mean.. Sure, it's still hard for me to realise that this is happening to me, but I'm getting use to it.. I'm really enjoying our moments even those when we fight... Usually of something I said... But hey, that's me - I'm used to saying stupid, like really stupid stuff.... But it doesn't matter how much I think I can't change... I want Him more.... I'll try my best to make the bad things go away... Because it's Love From The First Feel.... It's just too bad I sound more rational and sensible here.. Where all my writings are then when I actually talk... This will have to change... Somehow... I start realising that all what I ever wanted: a tall, dark, handsome, funny, smart, clever, sharp, big, strong guy, who makes me laugh, understands me, thinks I'm not just beautiful but hot and sexy too, who knows what to say to make me feel better or helps me realise how big of a fool I make out of myself by saying something stupid, who would want to help me change all those fears and complexes into something different, something better - is Him. The guy who despite my all warnings, problems and issues still wants to be with me - is Him. He is The One from my dreams... Plus He plays the sax, soooo I basically was inlove with Him the second He told me he plays the sax.... But it took me a long time to finally feel IT and say to Him : "I Love You"... And everytime he tells me that or I say it to him.... My heart just starts beeding, I feel butterflies in my stomach, a weird, but good feeling comes to my chest... And I never felt that way before... So. When you're not sure what you're feeling, it's probably something new... And one evening I thought about Him, I felt all of the "symptoms".... And that was the moment I got it... "This is It"... I have no other explanation and I don't need one.... I'm loved. And I have someone to love. That's all I need to know now... ;]

You know what. I was wrong. And I've never been more happy to be soooo wrong about myself... I know it hasn't been long enough, but I can't believe that this is really happening... I mean, I only dreamt about it in my dreams... I only had a microscopic hope for those dreams to come true and guess that was enough... It happened.. I finally got what I wanted.... It just happened.... Just like that.... Sure the road to it wasn't as easy as others, but I'm glad, cause now I know that if you really want something - you can work thru the knots.... I'm starting to get over myself... My fears, lack of self-confidence.... Of course I'm not doing it on my own, I get some help, even if the person doesn't help me on purpose... What can I say - I'm happy.. For the first time in the past years - I'm really happy to be alive... But there is just one thing I still can't figure out - Why I can so easily believe in something that is completely imaginary, like all events happen in my mind, but I just simply cannot believe in the reality around me... Maybe reality takes more time or maybe it's just me - hell knows.... I'm just trying to say - it's not easy to believe in something when it's finally happening for real and not in your mind for the first time in your life.... Things just started happening fast from the beginning... One minute I'm just having fun, fooling around and thinking : "what the hell, it's not like I'm gonna see these people any time soon, so I might just have some "extra fun" ", when the next - I have His arms around me, holding me... Talk about the irony of life or luck... I don't know which is it anymore....... I just know that stuff I dreamed about is happening and I'm feeling happy than ever. I deserve to smile and I am, I'm smiling now. .... But there's still one thing......... One word, four letters, one meaning... I'm still terrified of It.. I mean, I want That, but I.... I don't know if It can happen so fast.... I'm getting use to other things, but It......... I'm just so furious with myself that I can't make up my mind..... I know I'm pissing off my Best Friend with this Undecided Bullsh*t, but you know - when you face the situation for the first time in your life - you forget every scenario you ever thought of.... BOOM - blank... Zero. Nada. Nothing. Just complete emptiness..... I usually get scared... This time wasn't any different... Don't know which part of my mind needs to fixed, but somethings wrong with me that's a fact..... Nothing more just "I'm sorry" came to mind.... Not because I was sorry for the other, unpleasent situation, well I was, but more than that - I was more sorry for not being able to find the right answer........ At that moment I failed............. Now I hope for another miracle which would bring some sence to my mind..........

Why can't things be easy in life?.... You meet someone, you like someone, you hang out with them - no presure, no strings attached, just freelove (like DM would say)............ Why I need to make things more difficult than they already are?.................. Why do I always have to be the one who messes up everything............... Why am I such a mess????????????..................................................... Why do I always have to start crying about everything?................................... Why am I always pretending that there is someone right infront of me, somebody with whom I am talking to, when I know there is nothing BUT AIR !?!?!??!
I'm insane.

Last night I was scared that I'll change, but this morning I realised that somethings just won't change... I always was too naive when it came or comes to good things.... I know it's too good to be true, but somewhere deep in my heart I still hope for it to be true... I'm weak - it's not a secret. I get addicted or attached to people or things too fast and then I simply shift into "Fear of loosing it" mode and just stop breathing.... I forget about other things... I start walking around absolutelly paranoid, seeing, imagining things that won't happen (which is not so "unusual" with me)..... I mean, a lot like this happened before and they all ended the same way - they simply ended... I lost every connection I once had, especially if I really really liked it.... I always do something to screw up everything.... Doesn't matter how bad I wanted it, I messed up every single time.... This time isn't any different.... I have what I always wanted and now I'm scared as hell to loose it................... Why can't I just enjoy what I have? Now? At this very momemt?.... I know why - I want, I need a guarantee that I'll still have all this tomorrow. Nothing good lasted long enough for me in my f*cked up life, so now I just grab on to anything that brings a smile to my face and try to hold on to it as long as possible, just like a man drowning tries to stay above water by grabbing anything in his way.....................

I asked for a sign, to show me if there is anyone who cares about me. Guess I got my answer. But of course as always I'm not so sure... As much as I try to make myself believe that I won't ever fall inlove or get involved in a relationship - I can't..... Everything would be a lot easier if I could just stay someplace dark and quiet, someplace where I could avoid Life, but we all know that's impossible. Well, it was an opportunity back There, but here .... HERE is different. A lot. Here - I don't want to hide anymore. Here - I want to live, have fun, move on, move forward, have a blast, feel tired, feel needed, wanted, feel everything, even if it means feeling pain.... I'm used to physical one. Partly mental.... But I didn't get hurt here.... The only place I got hurt is There, I was away from home for a day, I went back There just for a day and I got hurt 2 or 3 times...... I started missing home earlier than usually.... I started missing Somebody... My summer began very unusually (go figure): I went to a party, friends 18 B-day, (I still can't thank her enough for inviting me). And things started changing - Before the party, during it, and even more after.... Then was this "joke" with the horoscopes, mine said that I should accept changes and start building self confidence... I know this is true. But the "punchline" was the part where I realised that those "changes" were already happening... " Wtf? " - I mean c'mon, that can be a coincidence.... I'm not saying I believe in horoscopes or astronomy, I'm just saying it's weird - that's all... And it seriously freaked me out..... I'm not a huge fan of big changes (just remember "The Moving") and this hypothetical truth is scaring the hell out of me..... If it's true.... Than I don't know..... If I'll change, which is what I'm doing already, then that'll mean that I don't have anything left from what I used to know as solid and unbreakable truth.... Everything will be a whole different new life.... I know things have to and need to change, but I don't know if I can handle all of this and that, especially myself.... I'm afraid to change, I don't know what It'll do to me......

But now I'm even more afraid to lose Somebody..... Don't know how long this goodness will last, but either way - I enjoyed, I'm enjoying and I will enjoy every moment I can......... It's way too good to be real, but it is.....
I really like this, what is going on, please let me keep it....

What's the difference between Loosing your Mind and Falling Inlove?... - None.

The problem is - choosing... But how can there be a problem which guy to choose, when you know you can't have either one of them...

" This is so lame I can't believe I'm doing this, but I am, so... Since mostly life is online now, and there is this trend to "twit" or "post on your wall" nearly everything what happens, like "I broke a nail today, poor me, press LIKE if you feel the same way" or "O M G what a bitch she is" and stuff like that, I am using this to say how sorry I am for being me. Just, please, hear me out first, before saying anything. I know I look like a scarecrow most of the time with my hair all messed up, and the way I dress, talk and act, and the thing that bothers me - I don't actually look like that while I don't have to go anywhere, I believe a lot of girls has this problem, but anyway, sometimes I look like a freak or just weird, because It's who I am. Weird. Awkward and freaky... I walk fast, because I think time will go faster if I walk five steps instead of three. I pretend to be as cold as ice, because I think it's easier to live like that instead of getting hurt by someone you like or even love, I honestly don't know how it works, 'cause I never loved anyone yet, can't really say I'm hoping to, but who knows... I express my emotions with a bang when I'm in the mood, or not so much, and it does have consequences when exposed at the wrong time at the wrong place... I run down the stairs at school after the bell rings, 'cause I just want to get out of it as quickly as possible, usually for no reason, just an instinct I guess, from my old school.... I walk around looking like a zombie sometimes. And sometimes I just seem like an animal, whose been in a cage for too long, and wants to get out and feel free... But actually I do feel like that for real, not just seem like it.... I know I do stupid stuff, say things wich can and do hurt others, even if I don't mean it, or sometimes I just don't say enough, 'cause I think it's not worth saying, and it's not hard to imagine, that I regret afterwards, but those who know me, those few friends - they know it's who I am... I realise it's low saying this kind of things online, but I just want people to know this. I need people to know this. People who see me all the time at school, doesn't matter if they're hanging out with me or not, if they know me or not... I just need to say this, out loud, well, write it out loud, because I am sorry for living. I'm not miss popularity, I'm not miss Universe, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I don't go out, I don't date, I don't communicate much, I don't live. And yet I am still sorry for living a life... I can't make up my mind if I do or don't care if anyone reads this piece of garbage, 'cause it's what this is, just like the rest of my sappy entries on my blog.... So.... Thank you and Good Night.... P.S. Sorry for everything I did wrong....... Later... " - I wrote this on my FB couple a weeks ago, and these are the words, wich inspired my friend to give me a strong speech about how and why I should stop feeling sorry for living.. I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing then, but I do now.. At least I'd like to think so... I received (finally) a letter from a friend - long time, no see, and yet I got it, at last. I wanted to read it as fast as I could so during the break between lesson, wich was long enough for me to get the letter, and come back - grabbed the keys from my mail box at the post office and just ran... I ran down the hill and my steps were so loud, that everybody knew I was coming, they looked at me and laughed, but I didn't care, the only thing I cared was the Letter, to get it as quick as possible.... And when I finally was holding it in my hands, without even opening it I felt so happy... I mean, when the past few weeks I wasn't doing so great, the letter was the best thing that happened to me during this time... I guess I can say that all of my troubles are just my imagination, and none of them are serious problems, but I just keep feeling like a total failure, and these small tasks wich keep on failing or going the wrong way just gets under my skin and sometimes I can't take it any more... That's when I explode... And like I said - it's not pretty... But nobody has a clue how satisfied to be alive and have friends I felt after reading the two last pages of the letter.... I am more than grateful to my friend, who didn't backed down on me and put a spark of optimism and hapiness into my smoldering fire wich was almost out. But thanks to Her, I felt so good, like I never felt in these past days.... I'm so lucky to have such friends... Sometimes I even think if I deserve them... "You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserve to smile"... So I think like that too... Hell I deserve to smile.... It's just too bad I don't do it often... Don't have a good reason why, most of the time, but today I smiled... It was a real smile... Been a while since the last time I felt a real one on my lips... Usually I just try my best to fake it so that no-one else could see when I'm seriously sad, but it doesn't trun out that way, usually... I just seem angry to others and that's all... But today was different.. I really felt a true smile... I was smiling... And didn't care what others thought about me, when they saw me sitting on the sidewalk with a pile of papers in my hand with hand written words all over them... Why should I care?.... I already care too much all the time, I'm always on my best behaviour, I help people more than they could get help (sometimes), I put others needs in front of mine most of my freaking time... So hell yeah, I think I deserve to smile and be a selfish bitch once in a while.... I got so sick and tired of being the good one all the time, it was really getting on my nervous and brains... Just one day, even one day I'd like to be taken care of... Get some guys attention, not because I know the answers, but just because... For no reason... Gifts, presents, surprises made without any reason are the best ones... Especially said sweet words about you or to you.... I read something so deep and yet so simple that I said to myself I'll hang those pages from the letter on my wall.... Those 12 reasons why I should not be sorry for living was just the thing I needed to feel alive for a sec.... And even the running had a different meaning afterwards... I felt so good after it I realised what I was missing all this time.. Feeling Free.. Unstoppable... Not caring about anything... I had too many arguements, too many times I felt like cr#p because of what others said to me or about me.... I felt like I was the bad guy all the time just by being the good one... Seriously - WTF?!?!?!?!........... Too bad the effect of the encouragement only lasted for so long... After I got home the attack of negative emotions were too powerful for me to fight back with that small spark, wich didn't have enough time to start a fire... I felt like I was trying to hold on to it with all my strenght, but something stronger kept pulling the spark out of my bleeding hands.... Until... I lost it... I just got tired of being on my own and by myself... Being alone....... I read it again, and I felt good - again... But it keeps fading away... It's strong, but not strong enough... Not yet.. I need more to keep me conected to life....

Sleep easy
xoxo Teja.....

Try to find someone decent on the "free internet" to talk to... You sit for 5 minutes and after looking around you realise that you're among imbeciles and only few people is worth chatting with... It hurts... But what hurts more - is realising that the Real ones - are all taken... Sucks, bites, blows, doesn't it ? Damn.. I'm such a mess...... No wonder I don't get the attention I desire.....

When People look at me they usually see anger... But I'm just sad... Sometimes when they are looking at me, they see me as an arrogant bitch because I don't make a single sound... But I'm just a quiet person... Most of the time anyway... Why ? Because I daydream at anytime and anywhere and at those moments I'm usually silent... Why ? Because My Dreams hurts less than The Reality around me... SO next time You see me "angry ar an arrogant bitch" - hold that thought for a sec., and please, think again before making a conclusion out of what you see and just ask : "What's up?" I'll be more than glad to answer : "Nothing much, just dreaming... How about you ?"

'My life is turning upside down, but somehow I managed to stay were I am, or at least turn just by a small small dial...' - That is how I describe changes in my life... Something strange has been going on since the New Year - go figure.... These past three months had been quite akward... The further is going this year - the more I'm believing that those wishes, wich my friends gave me on my 18th B-Day, are seriously coming true... I don't know who else to explane these things wich are happening... I'm not going to list them all here, but something strange in a good way is happening...

Like - I won two competitions I've entered in a row -- that had never happened before, well because I never entered anything before in my life... Next - I decide to go to the Nationals , about wich I have never even thought of participating in... But you know what - I actually enjoyed it, yeah, you can imagine my surprise.... Though I made a stupid, huge mistake... I should've done something the other way around, but I guess I'll just have to live with disappointment, heard it builds character..... So anyway, I got over my fears and took part in the National... Odd, but I managed to make some friends.... I even got a small award, wich I totally haven't expected... Though deep in my heart I was kinda hoping for a medal, a girl can dream, can't she?.... But on second thought - maybe it's just for the best... I had a wonderful opportunity to see the other side of the coin, I met people with similar ideas to mine and I now know what I'm capable of... SO I guess the saying - 'It's never too late' or 'Better late than never' really works for me at this point... I can't help not noticing how I was around other students, I mean, how there was this like a whole new side of me infront of them... Some things I said, I said them on purpose, but some came completely out of nowhere... I know I have this 'talent' but I never thought I could make it useful for me, maybe because I never tried it before... You know, just to let it out and see what happens... I'd really like to think that I CAN change and that I AM changing, I'd really like that, but still I could never allow myself the luxury of doing some things... Like I like to say - There are boundaries for everything and everyone... Though I absolutely must confess - I enjoyed this event more than I could've ever thought... I had fun - that's what matters to me the most... If I would've allowed myself to be draged into the fears cruel and cold arms - I'd probably would not be writing any of this right now... I'm more than glad that I faced this choas in my mind and won the battle...

'I'll see ya...'
Sleep easy
xoxo - T. ;]

How can you Love Someone when You Hate yourself?

Two Years.