Ever had this feeling like you would just stay in and do something you wanted to do for a long time? Like see a good movie or read an amazing book? Rather than just deal with issues or hang out or something? Probably yeah.. Me? I have this feeling all the time... Mostly... I am so afraid of my own life that I just usually prefer whenever I get the chance to just hide behind some long-lost activity rather than face reallity - which sucks most of the time.. Like remember when you were a kid and you were afraid of something? Would did you do back then? Hug a teddy bear really really hard? Cry for mommy? Hide under a bed? Heck, even turn to your imaginary friend for help, right? And what you do now when you're scared of something? Tell yourself it's not real? There's nothing to be scared of? It's all in your head? Or better yet - face your fears. Right? Well me - I'm a bit different. Everytime I get scared of something now I feel like a kid again. A little, fragile, sad girl. And instead of "facing my fears" I turn to my "imaginary friends" for help. It mostly go like this: I get disappointed with myself (usually on a daily basis), I find a place (always my bed, if not in my mind a better place then I am at, at the moment, in real life) and imagine myself doing something that my inner child would've loved to do back in the day. Like shoot fire balls with my hands, cast spells, fly, fight monsters. Stand up for myself, talk to others, have a life that I would have liked having in real life. I hade away in my own mind because I can't handle the reallity and this is fucked up on so many levels cause I'm 20 For Fuck Sake. I should be better than this but I'm not. Why? Because I never learnt how to actually "face my fears". I never learnt how to kick fears butt. Instead I just run and hide and pray it doesn't come after me. Which it usually does. And the best part is, and by the "best" I mean something entirely oposite, I am so afraid of my mother I can't tell her or do anything that doesn't live up to her expectations. It's not like she wants me to be president or something, no. She just wants me to do the "simple" things she thinks are the most important in life. Like: grow up. Check. Finish High School. Check. Get into uni. Check. Get a job (anykind for now and a "real" job after graduating). Check (in a way). And since I'm not doing all this alone, but I have a boyfriend. That means the same rules apply to him as well. And how dare he NOT TO STUDY. How can he even think of such treachery? Well - he is and he does. And because my boyfreind is not satisfaying some kind of an "ideal" in my mother's world - he is no longer worthy of me or anything for that matter. Because my mother fails to see that this "not studying" isn't such a big problem I am left in the crossfire and fell like I am being forced to choose between the one I love and my family. Romeo and Juliet you might say, yeah well they had it easy. Me? Yeah right... Everytime I think about a conversation between my mom and me I become that little frightened girl who sits alone in a dark room and praying that nobody comes and finds her till all the yelling and screaming stops... Everyday I shiver with fear just by a thought that I can get a call from her asking to talk about how's it going for "our boy"... You have to understand I am nothing like her. She is strong, intelligent, rational, "domineering" (if I am using that word right), persistent. If she sets her mind to something - oh it is on. She will not rest till she has her way. AND I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT. I don't have all that "strenght nad stamina" that she has. I am weak, emotional, stuborn, but not in a good way, no self-confidence or -esteem. Everytime I get an idea of any kind I just keep it to myself because I AM AFRAID it will blow up in my face..... I might try and imagine what could happen if I worked on it and when I do - I'm so fired up, like doing all kinds of thing to get it done and at the end - I am so happy. But all that happens in my mind only. In really I am stuck with, well - me. I am not my mother's child. I'm nothing like her. And I am so afraid of her that I just hide under a blanket and go back to all the happy memories I have - which usually end up being science from movies and cartoons. I look for comfort, support and compasion in people and situations that are fictional. Because that is the only time I feel truly safe and sound. That is the only time I feel myself. And boy Am I made for drugs or what?... No matter what I do, no matter where I'll be - I'm never gonna be good enough for her. I mean. I left my home, my family, my friends behind and wnet to a another country just so I could feel human for a change, like to truly see what I am capable of on my own and to run away from my mother's influence and all and I am still failing at this. What was the point for leaving evrything and everyone if I am still trapped. And the more I think of it the more suicide is becoming the right choice... Not saying that I have a "full-proof" plan or anything but I did think of it more in the past weeks than the last time I felt so hopeless..... And all it tooks was one skype-video-call with my mom to get me in tears because she was screaming at me through the screen. The screen, i mean - co-me-on. Really? I am so pathetic that I break down even if she isn't right there in person telling me what a piece of cr## I have for a boyfriend (that's what she thinks now). After that one talk - wich was weeks ago - I thought about killing myself in more detail then I ever did as a kid who hated everything and everyone cause I was the "entertainment" for others when they didn't had anything better to do just to pick on me in every way they'd think of - mean things about me usually did the "trick", which was I got pissed off and started acting like a caged-animal and went all "nuts" on them - that was the biggest "attraction" for everyone at the time. And in those times I couldn't find another solution then death. But somehow I survived. But now - after that "talk" we, me and my mom, had weeks ago - the same evening I wrote a suicidal note on my laptop. I even thought of buying few packs of cheapest sleeping pills and taking all of them to end the moral pain I feel. I want to have a home to go to, to return to. I want it to be a pleasant return and not because I hadn't been home in 3-5 years. I just want a nice, normal life - whatever it may be. With my own decisions - no matter how stupid they are. I just want to live the way I see best for me at the moment. I don't want or need to plan ahead 5years cause those plans never happen. But I can't. Because I'm afraid of taking matters into my own hands. Taking action. Doing something. Because I think that everything, every little idea is destand to fail. "You'll never know unless you try" - how can I try.... I mean I only got into uni so my mom be satisfied. For years I have been thinking how great doing something else after school would be. Like taking on different jobs. Travel a little. Exploring the "ocean" of the job market and all kinds of stuff - heck, even go crazy for ones, get drunk and have different kind of fun for ones in my life. But no - I never had the gutts to tell any of it to my mom so we could consider this kind of option. I may have mentioned something but no-one took it seriously... I mean a "perfect student life" for me was, how I imagined it to be: that i have a small apartment in the city, have a job as a bartender at some night club, work the hours during night, sleep till lunch afterwards and go study in the afternoon. Maybe even have a dog or some kind of a pet... Have a few friends (prefer guys), boyfriend - optional (as I was thinking a the time),meeting with my lady friends in another city on the weekend - have a blast, and get back in time for whatever I had just enough time to get back to.... I still think I would have liked this version.....

"Give me strenght not to do something stupid.- said the Brain to itself as it sturggles to keep a clear mind. While the Mind, Spirit, Soul and Heart trembled in fear... Wishing for Hope to come back to life to spark Life in the forsaken darkness covered place that is my head...."