Wow... Guess you can't fall lower than I just did - 4 months.. 4 freakin' months I didn't even bothered to look at the site... Not to mention that I didn't type a single word here all this time... Damn it how I hate myself... Like that's new... What is new in my life? Let's see... I'm a student... Guess that's something... What else? How'a it going for me... - "Great it's going great..."
"Really?"
"No..it's not".... - I messed up. I fixed it. Now i'm studying what I always, well not always, "always" only say people who practically were born with knowledge of what they will study and who they will be in the future, I, on the other hand, know this only for a few years, so let me re-phrase it : Now I'm studying that what I thought I would like for about 3 years. I only understand have of what I'm getting at the lectures.. Maybe because I'm studying in UK rather than in my own country.... Oh yeah, there's a new fact - I'm studying abroad... I like it. It's fun, challenging, scary and exciting at the same time... Though I'm not enjoying this to it's fullest... I'm not getting drunk or waste every weekend... I'm actually going to my lectures... When I'm at home, I'm just at home...  Sitting... Doing nothing... I have the full opportunity to do whatever the hell I want and not give a damn about what the parents might say - cause they're miles away, but noooooooo... I'm not like that... I'm the geeky one. Sad geek. That's what I am... I can't even be in the mood to make love with my Boyfriend every night. I mean c'mon !! There's no danger we'll get caught. So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ???!?!?!?! I AM, that's what. It pisses me off... It makes me so furious...... But it's just how I am... Hopeless...- write a single word and whole bunch of memories come back to life.... Click on a song's title and the images start dancing in your mind....- It took me one second to remember a song and how much my friend like it at the moment... She like Rihanna's "we found love" so much it started to annoy me and after a while I even didn't care anymore, I just started enjoying it along with her... Now I felt the urge to listen to that song and some others as well... Memories are a powerful force... They keep you warm in a cold night... They make you smile when you're down... They make you think about your past, present and future... They make you realize your mistakes... Makes you miss those careless childhood days... Makes you regret you didn't kiss your crush when you had the chance... Makes you wonder what was your big sister doing with that boy when you came into the room... And when you realize it - makes you laugh.... Doesn't it? I wonder what would we all be without our experience and memories.. Probably just some dead-bodies on vacation... It amazes me... My own ability to change moods so easily... An hour ago I was ready to shut the door and go into the night wondering around the town..... No matter what my Boy would say.... Two hours ago I was desperate to get into a fight... And yesterday I was so fed up with my Boy sounding like my mother... Every time we play W.o.W there's something that makes us fight... Usually that "something's"- me... I never played any computer games or any games for that matter, well, yeah I played some basic small games, but nothing like this one... It's hard for me to control my char, make it move and stuff, but all those other commands.... Spells, rules, abilities, tricks... I feel like I'm being coached for the army or something and the "Big Bad General" is my own Boyfriend who I love so much.... I'm only playing this game because of him in the first place... Why ? Well daaah - I wanted to spend more time with him, and have something what to do too when he's playing... At first it was scary... Hard.. Later it got fun and harder.. But I got the hang of it.. At least I thought I did.. Apparently I don't... I mean - I know there's still a long way to go for me, obviously... But.. It just makes me so angry when he starts bossing me around... Well he's thinking he's giving me useful advice and tips how to play, what to do or not do and stuff, but it seriously pisses me off when all that "advice giving" starts to sound like my mom's speech about how I'll never learn anything if I'm going to be scared and in denial.... C'mon...... HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME and not bitch me around....... I want to play the game cause I like it now. And it's fun when we're both playing at the same time in the same room... But I don't think I can stand him being the one telling me the same things my mom use to tell me.... I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him now, no... Besides, we're pretty bad at "breaking up"... Few times it seem like we're going to end it, but it always came down to one thing - us crying about it in each others arms and not splitting up.... As a matter of fact one if the "ending things situations" had happened quite recently.... Of course I was the one who started it... Not intentionally, but eventually my actions, or words, to be precise, led to us talking about ending it for good.... It all started when we got into yet another fight about something so not important that I don't even remember... No wait, I do, I do remember... It was about how "cranky" I was... For some reasons I was seriously upset and it made Him upset, cause I was treating him badly without realizing it, like accidentally, I had no intention to make him upset but all my actions said otherwise... Both mad at each other we went to bed.. I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to write Him yet another of my "explanations". Why did I put that last word in quotation marks? Because I do a lot of things for which I do not have any reason why I do 'em. I just do. It's how I roll.. I don't need logic and rational thinking all the time, I believe that sometimes you just do stuff. No words need to explain why. BUT. Sometimes just so happens that I do, say or whatever the action I did, that makes Him upset, offended or angry with me... And when I try to tell him why I act like this, basically explain myself to him, he says something like - "I don't need your explanations, okay?" or - "Just don't explain yourself okay. Say you're sorry. Admit you were wrong." - How can you understand another person if you don't want to listen to their side of the story? It hurts. I know I'm fucked up, but if you don't let me explain myself when I can - then it just hurts more and I loose the will to talk about the real problems later... No body's perfect, so why does it fell like you want me to be perfect ?... why it feels like every time when I react somehow a bit more strongly to what just happened in the game you rise your voice and tell me to stop ? Why does it bother you that I complain? Whine? Like it was different with you when you started playing years ago.... YEARS !!! Of course it's easy for you to talk when you've been gaming in the same realm for god knows how long..... C'mon - give me a break.... I'm a girl for fuck's sake... The kind which normally can't develop expert gaming skills in hours when you had freakin' years to do it!!!.... What happened to us? We were so good... I thought of us like if I were somebody else lookin' at us from across the room I would think something like : "What a pair.. I wish me and my partner could be like those two"...- What happened to us? Did we make a mistake by rushing things? I mean, after a month and a half - couple, few months later we decide to go abroad, study and live together... And the summer ? What kind of summer was that? Fighting all the time?... Didn't help when I broke the handle on the bike ether, huh?... We have so much in common but at the same time feels like we're too different to get along...I'm lost.. I'm so angry with you for sounding like a disappointed with me boss ever time I mess up in the game... I the freakin' game... Why is it so hard to tell you stop doing it? Maybe because every attempt ends in you saying something rational about how irrational and stupid I am... I want to keep playing. I want to stay with you. And I want us to play together. But please, please tell me how we can work this out?... I know I'm not going to stop reacting and showing my emotions and I know you won't stop dislikin' it ether.... Why it has to be so complicated?...
I hate it when people tell me to stop emoting... Can't stand it.. It makes me all furious but only inside, because it's just how I am, you tell me - it's a good chance I'll do it. But doesn't mean I'll like it... This is what happens with me when I can't express my feelings - I bottle 'em up and, well basically stock 'em. Till there's no more space for them and all those unsaid things "fly in the open", so to speak... I used to mumble silently a lot of things I wanted to say to my mom when we used to argue but couldn't. Now I feel I'm starting to do the same with the person I love now.... Not saying that I don't love my mom, I do. But... You know what I mean... It's not a good sign.. But I just can't help it... I feel like yet again I'm being forced to repress certain parts of me... I can't live like that.. I'm trying to control myself but it doesn't seem like anyone's noticing my effort.. There were so many situation I could've just screamed my thoughts out and start a fire I couldn't put out later, but I didn't... But sometimes you just have to show some emotions, whether someone likes it or not... And just need to deal with it. Because they love, support and understand you...