I'm a terrible person... I'm a terrible girlfriend and a friend.... I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I still act like a stubborn ass... What is wrong with me? I mean after all this time I should be better than this... But I'm not... I behave like a bitch while my Boyfriend tries to be the sweetest, nicest, funniest guy who works his  ass off to cheer me up... And what do I do? BE A BITCH. The whole time and nothing more... Just because I had a bad day.... Unbelievable.... And only after He leaves and after watching a couple of old series in order to "cheer myself up" only then I realize that the only thing that actually was cheering me up - was Him... Then I grab my phone and start typing as fast as I can, saying how sorry I am for being such a cold hard bitch and how lucky I am to have Him.... But I mean come on... I can't do this everytime... I should be better than this already... I love the guy... I really love Him... So what's wrong with me?.... I try my best to tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate all he is doing for me, but I just can't seem to do it more often... Why must I always screw things up?... Even when I don't want it to happen.... Oh who am I fooling here? I'm terrible at these things... And what's worse I'm loosing contact with my other friends... It's been months since I've seen some of my closest friends and I don't even bother to reach out to others.... I was suppose to be better, I was suppose to step forward not go back... I was suppose to change in a good way... Instead I'm doing the usual - hiding and hoping no-one will find me.... I use to do this all the time back in "The Bad Days"... I thought having a Boyfriend would change things.. Change me.. But I was wrong.... The idea of me changing - is just an idea... I thought I changed but I didn't... I start to think I fell back.... These changes, I thought I had achieved... They are all just an illusion..... I failed to see that I'm the same dark, stubborn, cold, closed person that I always was... What is it that keeps me distance from the ones I love?.... This is so not how it was suppose to be... Hmm... Suppose - great word... You can take all your worries and just lay it all on only one word - SUPPOSE - It was suppose to be red instead of pink, I was suppose to get a better mark... It wasn't suppose to rain today.. Well it did !! And you can't change the fact that it did... I was suppose to change and become a better person.. I mean - it seems to me that all of my other friends are changing, why can't I ?... Or maybe that's it.... It's too personal for me and I can't actually see who or what am I... Maybe that's the problem - I always saw myself as a looser and a failure, a screw up... Maybe I need a different prospective to see the same from a different angle.. And realize some things... Guess what I'm trying to say is - people should not say what they think about themselves, they should rather ask someone elses opinion about them... Like once every few years make a survey and hand it out to people who know you and ask them to fill out the form "What you think of me?" - would be interesting to find out what people think of you, especially if you pick up some new friends on the way you go... I can't believe I can't make time to write even a tiny Hello to a friend... Who am I?...or better yet - WHAT am I?... I don't want to become one of those girls who find a guy and just forget about the other world, the one with all the friends in it, the one which is still out there. IT HASN'T STOPPED MOVING... Unfortunately I'm afraid I have became that person.... And I hate myself for that......... I know crying won't change anything, but it has been so hard these past days.... I can't help it if I want to cry all the time.... Exams, studies, moving, rent, getting into a uni.... I'm scared as hell of a whole new life that I can't even tell how much it hurts...... I'm a horrible friend..... I'm so sorry for writing so little letters, I should've written more.... Forgive me...