I'm falling apart... I can't keep myself in one piece.... My grades are going down... I try to learn and I fail... I mean, sure I screwed up at school many times before but not like that... I don't listen, I can't focus, I have shit loads of time to learn the stuff I simlply figure : " Why bother, it's easy, I've done it before, I'll do it again" and then I blew it...... Big time..... When I'm screaming all over the place saying "I screwd up", my Boyfriend just says : "I believe in you"...... What's there to believe in if I'm going from being OK to Dafuq........ I know these past few days there has been a lot on mind, simply of some other issues, which I'm not ready to speak about out loud.... Not untill after tomorrow, of course... BUT still it doesn't give me exscuse to be stupid...... I miss my friends..... I miss action.... Laughter.... People..... I wonder if I ever had any friends at all and if I still have any left because of my stupidity and fears of going out into the world facing it..... There are.... Or at least were so many things I wanted to write about but couldn't..... Don't know why..... Just didn't feel right.... I mean.... I tried to.... Or maybe I just thougt of trying... I don't know anymore.... I'm loosing my skills to write.... I stopped reading books, I stopped writing... Okey, so it was tough for me we all know that, but I've also gone pass it.... I mean, I do have a Boyfriend now, the one thing I thought I would never get, compered to the other two wishes : getting a tattoo and a motorcycle. Getting a Boyfriend wa ssuppose to be the hardest of the trio... And yet look who was wrong.... I know I know, I should believe in myself more, especially after I was wrong about like the most important thing in life... But I can't.... Everytime I think of myself as like I'm good at something, I screw up.... Maybe I am childish.... Maybe I am stupid... But you can't expect me to be a teenager and an adult at the same time... I mean, c'mon... What do you want from me? I'm nineteen, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes when curtain topics bring me down..... I think I too have the possibility of being scared time to time... Or even envy somebody else when they do something better then me.... I mean.... I'm human, I have feelings.... I can make mistakes, can't I ? Then why I still feel like anything I do is illegal.... Every word I say, every move or gesture I do, any other sound I make, everything, everything I do is crap and others just see me as a Kings Joker : "She's here to entertain us"... Maybe I'm paranoid, Maybe I'm crazy, Maybe I do need to see a shirnk..... Maybe I just need to stop living..... It's how I feel at the moment..... Because I'm tired of screwing up and taking all the blame for it... Why? BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANYONE ELSE WHO TO BLAME.... I mess up everytime because it's my fault..... Just ones in my life I'd like to hear someone say : "It's not your fault, things happen"..... But no. If I'm already beating myself up for what I did, then the rest of the "world" somehow feels the need to look me in the eye and say : "You're the blame". OH COME ON !! Is it so hard to lie ? C'mon people, if You already think I'm an Idiot because of how I act or do, walk and talk and even look, then why can't you just look at me as if I just got out of a Mental Hospital and say to me : "It's ok, don't blame yourself"..... Is that too much to ask? LIE TO ME...... I don't care if I'm just imagining things.... I just want for others to stop treating me like a child. I'm a TEEN. There's a difference, get it? Please, I'm not a child and I'm not an adult. yet... I'm the one in between.... I know I sometimes act as if I still was a kid, but that doesn't mean anyone has the right to shout at me everytime I do something not right.... I mean, I only lived for so long.... All I know is how to be a kid.... I'd like to believe, that "being an adult" part takes more time than I've lived... I'm still at school for F#ck sake.... Jeez..... You can't expect me to act as an adult just because you yell at me saying how stupid and childish I am... No matter the age or the standarts.... I can't be something or someone I'm not.... It took me more than couple of moths, almost half a year, to learn how to become "we" from "me"... And I'm still learning to be a Girlfriend.... It just doesn't seem right that I get bitched at for something I don't know yet... I realise there isn't much time left for me to be a reckless teen, but I never actaully had a normal chance to be one and if someday I'm going to have kids, I won't have anything to tell them about my youth.... Except of course how I stayed at home on Friday nights instead of going out with others my age.... How I spend countless nights dreaming about going wild, having fun, dancing from dusk to dawn... Messing around out in the city instead of write down what kind of life I would like to have.... Friends, family, school.... Other activities... I'm a screw up..... I'm boring.... I have nothing interesting going on in my life.... I fail to develop any of my skills just by not trying to develop them... I quit everything I start. It's a miracle I managed to stay in school this long.... Why I am what I am is still the biggest mistery for me of all.... Not that I'm saying I know a lot of them.... But that's not the point... The point is - if I can't figure myself out, how can I hope I will be able to help others do the same.....? Guess I just need more time to discover myself... But sadly time is not an ally in this case.....
Or any other for that matter.... But it doesn't stop me from dreaming about traveling the world.... Seeing the exotic side, feeling danger, living an adventure.... Hearing the desert's heat, mountain silence, jungle's threat.... Too bad I wasn't boren few decades ago..... I think I would've like the tomb riding, discovering, researching, experiencing thriller.... Because I believe in Magic, Gods, Spirits, Forces.... All that for today's man seem just a plain old fairy tale..... I mean, if dinosaurs existed, why not fire breathing, flying dragons? I would rather believe that in Ancient Egypt there actually were beings with a humans body and a face of a cat, jackal or an eagle... That in Ancient Greece there was an Olympus where the Gods lived. Watching over the people, hearing their prayers and even answering them... Beings, who had the powers over air and water, fire and earth.... All the nature.... That somewhere in the far far far away Galaxy there is another world with its inhabitant...That they also have a history, present and a future.... I choose to believe all what is forgoten, lost or unknown, whether than one man created our world and is watching us from somewhere far.... Like once a wise astronout Juryj Gagarin said : "I looked and looked but I didn't see God" or more likely : "I see no God up here..." People centuries ago believed that one man cannot be able to control everything, that's the reason why kings had advisers, subjects. That's why there was only one Zues and a bunch of other Gods who had different powers and "responsibilities" to take care of... That's why the Indians had all kinds of spirits to guide them.... Even the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas had a God for everything....
I just wish I could have even a smallest glimpse to how the world was before my time... To relive it... Because I'm a believer...

Oh well... Guess it's enough dreaming for one evening... Time to get back to my boring and yet another sad evening... It's a good thing I'll be going to bed soon....

I just want tomorrow to start and end faster...