Wow... Guess you can't fall lower than I just did - 4 months.. 4 freakin' months I didn't even bothered to look at the site... Not to mention that I didn't type a single word here all this time... Damn it how I hate myself... Like that's new... What is new in my life? Let's see... I'm a student... Guess that's something... What else? How'a it going for me... - "Great it's going great..."
"Really?"
"No..it's not".... - I messed up. I fixed it. Now i'm studying what I always, well not always, "always" only say people who practically were born with knowledge of what they will study and who they will be in the future, I, on the other hand, know this only for a few years, so let me re-phrase it : Now I'm studying that what I thought I would like for about 3 years. I only understand have of what I'm getting at the lectures.. Maybe because I'm studying in UK rather than in my own country.... Oh yeah, there's a new fact - I'm studying abroad... I like it. It's fun, challenging, scary and exciting at the same time... Though I'm not enjoying this to it's fullest... I'm not getting drunk or waste every weekend... I'm actually going to my lectures... When I'm at home, I'm just at home...  Sitting... Doing nothing... I have the full opportunity to do whatever the hell I want and not give a damn about what the parents might say - cause they're miles away, but noooooooo... I'm not like that... I'm the geeky one. Sad geek. That's what I am... I can't even be in the mood to make love with my Boyfriend every night. I mean c'mon !! There's no danger we'll get caught. So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ???!?!?!?! I AM, that's what. It pisses me off... It makes me so furious...... But it's just how I am... Hopeless...- write a single word and whole bunch of memories come back to life.... Click on a song's title and the images start dancing in your mind....- It took me one second to remember a song and how much my friend like it at the moment... She like Rihanna's "we found love" so much it started to annoy me and after a while I even didn't care anymore, I just started enjoying it along with her... Now I felt the urge to listen to that song and some others as well... Memories are a powerful force... They keep you warm in a cold night... They make you smile when you're down... They make you think about your past, present and future... They make you realize your mistakes... Makes you miss those careless childhood days... Makes you regret you didn't kiss your crush when you had the chance... Makes you wonder what was your big sister doing with that boy when you came into the room... And when you realize it - makes you laugh.... Doesn't it? I wonder what would we all be without our experience and memories.. Probably just some dead-bodies on vacation... It amazes me... My own ability to change moods so easily... An hour ago I was ready to shut the door and go into the night wondering around the town..... No matter what my Boy would say.... Two hours ago I was desperate to get into a fight... And yesterday I was so fed up with my Boy sounding like my mother... Every time we play W.o.W there's something that makes us fight... Usually that "something's"- me... I never played any computer games or any games for that matter, well, yeah I played some basic small games, but nothing like this one... It's hard for me to control my char, make it move and stuff, but all those other commands.... Spells, rules, abilities, tricks... I feel like I'm being coached for the army or something and the "Big Bad General" is my own Boyfriend who I love so much.... I'm only playing this game because of him in the first place... Why ? Well daaah - I wanted to spend more time with him, and have something what to do too when he's playing... At first it was scary... Hard.. Later it got fun and harder.. But I got the hang of it.. At least I thought I did.. Apparently I don't... I mean - I know there's still a long way to go for me, obviously... But.. It just makes me so angry when he starts bossing me around... Well he's thinking he's giving me useful advice and tips how to play, what to do or not do and stuff, but it seriously pisses me off when all that "advice giving" starts to sound like my mom's speech about how I'll never learn anything if I'm going to be scared and in denial.... C'mon...... HE'S SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME and not bitch me around....... I want to play the game cause I like it now. And it's fun when we're both playing at the same time in the same room... But I don't think I can stand him being the one telling me the same things my mom use to tell me.... I'm not saying I'm breaking up with him now, no... Besides, we're pretty bad at "breaking up"... Few times it seem like we're going to end it, but it always came down to one thing - us crying about it in each others arms and not splitting up.... As a matter of fact one if the "ending things situations" had happened quite recently.... Of course I was the one who started it... Not intentionally, but eventually my actions, or words, to be precise, led to us talking about ending it for good.... It all started when we got into yet another fight about something so not important that I don't even remember... No wait, I do, I do remember... It was about how "cranky" I was... For some reasons I was seriously upset and it made Him upset, cause I was treating him badly without realizing it, like accidentally, I had no intention to make him upset but all my actions said otherwise... Both mad at each other we went to bed.. I couldn't sleep so I got up and went to write Him yet another of my "explanations". Why did I put that last word in quotation marks? Because I do a lot of things for which I do not have any reason why I do 'em. I just do. It's how I roll.. I don't need logic and rational thinking all the time, I believe that sometimes you just do stuff. No words need to explain why. BUT. Sometimes just so happens that I do, say or whatever the action I did, that makes Him upset, offended or angry with me... And when I try to tell him why I act like this, basically explain myself to him, he says something like - "I don't need your explanations, okay?" or - "Just don't explain yourself okay. Say you're sorry. Admit you were wrong." - How can you understand another person if you don't want to listen to their side of the story? It hurts. I know I'm fucked up, but if you don't let me explain myself when I can - then it just hurts more and I loose the will to talk about the real problems later... No body's perfect, so why does it fell like you want me to be perfect ?... why it feels like every time when I react somehow a bit more strongly to what just happened in the game you rise your voice and tell me to stop ? Why does it bother you that I complain? Whine? Like it was different with you when you started playing years ago.... YEARS !!! Of course it's easy for you to talk when you've been gaming in the same realm for god knows how long..... C'mon - give me a break.... I'm a girl for fuck's sake... The kind which normally can't develop expert gaming skills in hours when you had freakin' years to do it!!!.... What happened to us? We were so good... I thought of us like if I were somebody else lookin' at us from across the room I would think something like : "What a pair.. I wish me and my partner could be like those two"...- What happened to us? Did we make a mistake by rushing things? I mean, after a month and a half - couple, few months later we decide to go abroad, study and live together... And the summer ? What kind of summer was that? Fighting all the time?... Didn't help when I broke the handle on the bike ether, huh?... We have so much in common but at the same time feels like we're too different to get along...I'm lost.. I'm so angry with you for sounding like a disappointed with me boss ever time I mess up in the game... I the freakin' game... Why is it so hard to tell you stop doing it? Maybe because every attempt ends in you saying something rational about how irrational and stupid I am... I want to keep playing. I want to stay with you. And I want us to play together. But please, please tell me how we can work this out?... I know I'm not going to stop reacting and showing my emotions and I know you won't stop dislikin' it ether.... Why it has to be so complicated?...
I hate it when people tell me to stop emoting... Can't stand it.. It makes me all furious but only inside, because it's just how I am, you tell me - it's a good chance I'll do it. But doesn't mean I'll like it... This is what happens with me when I can't express my feelings - I bottle 'em up and, well basically stock 'em. Till there's no more space for them and all those unsaid things "fly in the open", so to speak... I used to mumble silently a lot of things I wanted to say to my mom when we used to argue but couldn't. Now I feel I'm starting to do the same with the person I love now.... Not saying that I don't love my mom, I do. But... You know what I mean... It's not a good sign.. But I just can't help it... I feel like yet again I'm being forced to repress certain parts of me... I can't live like that.. I'm trying to control myself but it doesn't seem like anyone's noticing my effort.. There were so many situation I could've just screamed my thoughts out and start a fire I couldn't put out later, but I didn't... But sometimes you just have to show some emotions, whether someone likes it or not... And just need to deal with it. Because they love, support and understand you...

I'm a terrible person... I'm a terrible girlfriend and a friend.... I'm in a relationship for almost a year and I still act like a stubborn ass... What is wrong with me? I mean after all this time I should be better than this... But I'm not... I behave like a bitch while my Boyfriend tries to be the sweetest, nicest, funniest guy who works his  ass off to cheer me up... And what do I do? BE A BITCH. The whole time and nothing more... Just because I had a bad day.... Unbelievable.... And only after He leaves and after watching a couple of old series in order to "cheer myself up" only then I realize that the only thing that actually was cheering me up - was Him... Then I grab my phone and start typing as fast as I can, saying how sorry I am for being such a cold hard bitch and how lucky I am to have Him.... But I mean come on... I can't do this everytime... I should be better than this already... I love the guy... I really love Him... So what's wrong with me?.... I try my best to tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate all he is doing for me, but I just can't seem to do it more often... Why must I always screw things up?... Even when I don't want it to happen.... Oh who am I fooling here? I'm terrible at these things... And what's worse I'm loosing contact with my other friends... It's been months since I've seen some of my closest friends and I don't even bother to reach out to others.... I was suppose to be better, I was suppose to step forward not go back... I was suppose to change in a good way... Instead I'm doing the usual - hiding and hoping no-one will find me.... I use to do this all the time back in "The Bad Days"... I thought having a Boyfriend would change things.. Change me.. But I was wrong.... The idea of me changing - is just an idea... I thought I changed but I didn't... I start to think I fell back.... These changes, I thought I had achieved... They are all just an illusion..... I failed to see that I'm the same dark, stubborn, cold, closed person that I always was... What is it that keeps me distance from the ones I love?.... This is so not how it was suppose to be... Hmm... Suppose - great word... You can take all your worries and just lay it all on only one word - SUPPOSE - It was suppose to be red instead of pink, I was suppose to get a better mark... It wasn't suppose to rain today.. Well it did !! And you can't change the fact that it did... I was suppose to change and become a better person.. I mean - it seems to me that all of my other friends are changing, why can't I ?... Or maybe that's it.... It's too personal for me and I can't actually see who or what am I... Maybe that's the problem - I always saw myself as a looser and a failure, a screw up... Maybe I need a different prospective to see the same from a different angle.. And realize some things... Guess what I'm trying to say is - people should not say what they think about themselves, they should rather ask someone elses opinion about them... Like once every few years make a survey and hand it out to people who know you and ask them to fill out the form "What you think of me?" - would be interesting to find out what people think of you, especially if you pick up some new friends on the way you go... I can't believe I can't make time to write even a tiny Hello to a friend... Who am I?...or better yet - WHAT am I?... I don't want to become one of those girls who find a guy and just forget about the other world, the one with all the friends in it, the one which is still out there. IT HASN'T STOPPED MOVING... Unfortunately I'm afraid I have became that person.... And I hate myself for that......... I know crying won't change anything, but it has been so hard these past days.... I can't help it if I want to cry all the time.... Exams, studies, moving, rent, getting into a uni.... I'm scared as hell of a whole new life that I can't even tell how much it hurts...... I'm a horrible friend..... I'm so sorry for writing so little letters, I should've written more.... Forgive me...

Guess with all the excitement I skipped a month... Oh well... It's not like I just can write whenever I want.... Actually, sometimes it is, but I find something less brain power requiring to do in that time - can't say I'm proud of myself, but it's just how I do... Lets see what was the most amazing thing that happend to me in the last month? I believe it'd be the Dance..

I went to club with my Boyfriend and a couple of friends, as you can imagine - me and Him are the main idea, characters and action in this story... Maybe I'll start from the top.

It all began when a friend of mine and me chated about weekends plans, she told me she'd be going to the towns club that evening with some of her friends. The idea of dancing instantly clicked in my mind and as a joke I asked another friend of mine when will we be going there, to my surprise she answered : "Why not tonight." I agree on the spot. But the next moment I realised there's going to be a problem - how will I ever persuade my BF to go with me dancing if he said from the start - he hates clubs. But, to my relief - of which I  only knew in the morning after - I was overestimated things and of course I was glad I was wrong for once... When I told my Love the "news" - psychotic denial started : "I hate clubs, I won't go, no I will, but I won't like it, I hate clubs, I hate clubs, I HATE CLUBS" - this lasted till the very minute we entered the dance floor.... I love my Boyfriend... but that day he really started to get on my nerves... "Don't go then" - I said, but it didn't work... I thought the night'd be a disaster if this keeps on going, but - it didn't and it wasn't. That night in the club - I'm proud to say so - was the Best Night of Dancing I've ever had in those few years since I started going to clubs.... Sure there was this "Guy" a year back, but he's nothing compared to what I had and still have... Boy did we dance !!!! I fell in love with the Love of My Life all over again after that night.... Don't think it'd be too much to say that that night was magically spectacular ..... He lied to me!! He can dance, but I forgive him.... How couldn't I after what great time he gave me that night... At first we were just messing and fooling around... But when we got closer to each other, so close I could almost feel his heart beating under his shirt and even the loud music.... So close I could feel him breath down my neck and his chest heave at the same time.... I never wanted to be so close to him and alone with him like I did that night... When I was in his arms it felt like it's jus the two of us... Like nothing else matters as if there's nothing left, no one, nobody, nothing - just us.... I had my arms around a dream... a dream I've been waiting for .... And there HE was - in my arms as I was in his the same time.... Couldn't get any better , but it did - we danced and though it was first our real dance together - we were good from the start.... Days later I heard comments about us, saying we looked good, both, and how it was good to look at us.... He spined me, bent me backwards, we moved both up and down thru each others bodies, and even went down both at the same time, we moved as one.... - it's hard to find the right words to describe the moves we did.... But I swear we were amazing.... Never have I imagined that dancing with your own Boyfriend IS THIS MUCH FUN !!!!!! Seriously there isn't a better feeling that to feel His body's heat when He kisses you while dancing.... Didn't matter that once I couldn't stand couples kissing on the floor, I envied them, now I understand them and why... Why they do it and why it was so hard to watch them back then.... I've been to both sides now and I can tell how probablly hurt the girls were when we - well - left them and instead enjoyed each other rather then be with them.... I felt bad about the girls, blamed myself for making them come and not hanging out more with them, but I can't and won't say that I regret anything.... I don't... And I'll never be sorry for having the time of my life that night... To feel a guys arms around you is one thing, but to feel them and to know that the one who's touching you is yours and even more he loves you - is hell of another thing... Hands, body, the feel everywhere he touches, everywhere you feel him with your hands and body - incradible... The heat, the pashion, the fire, the feel - it's all there, just need to reach for it. Thats' what I've learned from that night...

No matter how good one night was, even if the morning after I heard statments like : "We'll dance more, we'll go to clubs more, I enjoyed dancing with you"..... There will always be fights after... Some you don't ever want to repeat again.... If I thought that I love my Guy, then two weeks ago I realised how much... We had a fight, one so ridiculas and painful it hurts to remember.... The moment I realised how strong our love is was the one I saw my Boyfrinds red eyes the second he turned to look at me.... He was crying because of what I said.... The second I saw his eyes I started crying myself... All the times I cried I have never started feeling tears going down my face as fast as that time... It's a Miracle how He let me near him... I crawled into the bed next to him, he grabbed me and we cried together.... Memory doesn't hurt as much as it did then, but it's still painful, I'm still amazed how we managed to go thru all the hell I created.... And how we are still together... We had "discussions" several times before, but never this painful.... There's always a few bumps on every ride - and some can really shake you up..... But still you keep on driving and we still are a couple... Even now as I'm writing - I'm in his jumper, thinking about tommorow when he'll come and we'll be together again, even for a day..... Every minute counts and I realised you need to make every second count. Live with no regrets... Too bad I already have more of them then I'd like to....

I'm falling apart... I can't keep myself in one piece.... My grades are going down... I try to learn and I fail... I mean, sure I screwed up at school many times before but not like that... I don't listen, I can't focus, I have shit loads of time to learn the stuff I simlply figure : " Why bother, it's easy, I've done it before, I'll do it again" and then I blew it...... Big time..... When I'm screaming all over the place saying "I screwd up", my Boyfriend just says : "I believe in you"...... What's there to believe in if I'm going from being OK to Dafuq........ I know these past few days there has been a lot on mind, simply of some other issues, which I'm not ready to speak about out loud.... Not untill after tomorrow, of course... BUT still it doesn't give me exscuse to be stupid...... I miss my friends..... I miss action.... Laughter.... People..... I wonder if I ever had any friends at all and if I still have any left because of my stupidity and fears of going out into the world facing it..... There are.... Or at least were so many things I wanted to write about but couldn't..... Don't know why..... Just didn't feel right.... I mean.... I tried to.... Or maybe I just thougt of trying... I don't know anymore.... I'm loosing my skills to write.... I stopped reading books, I stopped writing... Okey, so it was tough for me we all know that, but I've also gone pass it.... I mean, I do have a Boyfriend now, the one thing I thought I would never get, compered to the other two wishes : getting a tattoo and a motorcycle. Getting a Boyfriend wa ssuppose to be the hardest of the trio... And yet look who was wrong.... I know I know, I should believe in myself more, especially after I was wrong about like the most important thing in life... But I can't.... Everytime I think of myself as like I'm good at something, I screw up.... Maybe I am childish.... Maybe I am stupid... But you can't expect me to be a teenager and an adult at the same time... I mean, c'mon... What do you want from me? I'm nineteen, I think I have the right to be upset sometimes when curtain topics bring me down..... I think I too have the possibility of being scared time to time... Or even envy somebody else when they do something better then me.... I mean.... I'm human, I have feelings.... I can make mistakes, can't I ? Then why I still feel like anything I do is illegal.... Every word I say, every move or gesture I do, any other sound I make, everything, everything I do is crap and others just see me as a Kings Joker : "She's here to entertain us"... Maybe I'm paranoid, Maybe I'm crazy, Maybe I do need to see a shirnk..... Maybe I just need to stop living..... It's how I feel at the moment..... Because I'm tired of screwing up and taking all the blame for it... Why? BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANYONE ELSE WHO TO BLAME.... I mess up everytime because it's my fault..... Just ones in my life I'd like to hear someone say : "It's not your fault, things happen"..... But no. If I'm already beating myself up for what I did, then the rest of the "world" somehow feels the need to look me in the eye and say : "You're the blame". OH COME ON !! Is it so hard to lie ? C'mon people, if You already think I'm an Idiot because of how I act or do, walk and talk and even look, then why can't you just look at me as if I just got out of a Mental Hospital and say to me : "It's ok, don't blame yourself"..... Is that too much to ask? LIE TO ME...... I don't care if I'm just imagining things.... I just want for others to stop treating me like a child. I'm a TEEN. There's a difference, get it? Please, I'm not a child and I'm not an adult. yet... I'm the one in between.... I know I sometimes act as if I still was a kid, but that doesn't mean anyone has the right to shout at me everytime I do something not right.... I mean, I only lived for so long.... All I know is how to be a kid.... I'd like to believe, that "being an adult" part takes more time than I've lived... I'm still at school for F#ck sake.... Jeez..... You can't expect me to act as an adult just because you yell at me saying how stupid and childish I am... No matter the age or the standarts.... I can't be something or someone I'm not.... It took me more than couple of moths, almost half a year, to learn how to become "we" from "me"... And I'm still learning to be a Girlfriend.... It just doesn't seem right that I get bitched at for something I don't know yet... I realise there isn't much time left for me to be a reckless teen, but I never actaully had a normal chance to be one and if someday I'm going to have kids, I won't have anything to tell them about my youth.... Except of course how I stayed at home on Friday nights instead of going out with others my age.... How I spend countless nights dreaming about going wild, having fun, dancing from dusk to dawn... Messing around out in the city instead of write down what kind of life I would like to have.... Friends, family, school.... Other activities... I'm a screw up..... I'm boring.... I have nothing interesting going on in my life.... I fail to develop any of my skills just by not trying to develop them... I quit everything I start. It's a miracle I managed to stay in school this long.... Why I am what I am is still the biggest mistery for me of all.... Not that I'm saying I know a lot of them.... But that's not the point... The point is - if I can't figure myself out, how can I hope I will be able to help others do the same.....? Guess I just need more time to discover myself... But sadly time is not an ally in this case.....
Or any other for that matter.... But it doesn't stop me from dreaming about traveling the world.... Seeing the exotic side, feeling danger, living an adventure.... Hearing the desert's heat, mountain silence, jungle's threat.... Too bad I wasn't boren few decades ago..... I think I would've like the tomb riding, discovering, researching, experiencing thriller.... Because I believe in Magic, Gods, Spirits, Forces.... All that for today's man seem just a plain old fairy tale..... I mean, if dinosaurs existed, why not fire breathing, flying dragons? I would rather believe that in Ancient Egypt there actually were beings with a humans body and a face of a cat, jackal or an eagle... That in Ancient Greece there was an Olympus where the Gods lived. Watching over the people, hearing their prayers and even answering them... Beings, who had the powers over air and water, fire and earth.... All the nature.... That somewhere in the far far far away Galaxy there is another world with its inhabitant...That they also have a history, present and a future.... I choose to believe all what is forgoten, lost or unknown, whether than one man created our world and is watching us from somewhere far.... Like once a wise astronout Juryj Gagarin said : "I looked and looked but I didn't see God" or more likely : "I see no God up here..." People centuries ago believed that one man cannot be able to control everything, that's the reason why kings had advisers, subjects. That's why there was only one Zues and a bunch of other Gods who had different powers and "responsibilities" to take care of... That's why the Indians had all kinds of spirits to guide them.... Even the Aztecs, Mayans and Incas had a God for everything....
I just wish I could have even a smallest glimpse to how the world was before my time... To relive it... Because I'm a believer...

Oh well... Guess it's enough dreaming for one evening... Time to get back to my boring and yet another sad evening... It's a good thing I'll be going to bed soon....

I just want tomorrow to start and end faster...

I missed this place.. It's been a while... Guess there has been going on a lot.... A lot stuff, since the school is back.. With the exam bullshit and studies it's hard for me to keep track of anything.. Last week I a had a flu, for like a day or two, but I only went to school for one day. Last two I mostly stayed in bed, on Friday even with my Bf.. We had fun, laughed, watch a movie, talked, kissed, or just sat silently in each others arms.... I still am amazed how I managed to get to this part where I have a boyfriend... As much as I enjoy what we have, and that it seems more than enough, I still fear more and more of loosing Him... O got atached to Him too much... I love Him at as stupid does it sounds - I feel kinda lonelly when he's not around... Texting and all that cyber bullshit only works for so long, at first, but when you get to know each other a lot better, when you hang out more, spend time together - that time apart feels longer and longer by the minute... Why ? Because you want more than just a smiley face on your screen, 'cause you desire to see His eyes when you're talking, you wish you could be in His arms when you're really down and not just read : "I'm sorry. I'm with you. :) " - no, that's not it. You want to feel His arms on your back, gently stroking up and down, calmly... Asking you to stop crying, handing you a napkin to wipe your tears.... Laying down his head on your shoulder, giving you a small peck on the cheek.... Or just giving you a hug..... You want Him to make you smile with his joke, even if it as stupid as it sounds, makes no sense at all, but you still laugh your ass off, because without a reason it's still freakin funny... No matter whether you fight or laugh or have a serious talk - you still want to be with that one person... Because He's the one that picked you from all others around Him... Because He looks at you like there's no one else around, He adores you, smiles when you walk towards him, and get's a bit upset or even angry if you say something stupid about yourself, because he knows you better than you think... It's insane - I know. But You know it's true... You can't explain it, but He's right. And That's the reason You Love Him.... Sometimes you just have to admit there's something more than logic and reason...

--- I wrote this few months back - last year actually... But I still feel the same way... ---

 No matter how much I care for Him, and love Him... I still piss him off a lot... And it's killing me... Why am I such a pain in the ass?.. Why can't I just shut that part of me down and be the girl He loves... I don't want to hurt him... I don't want to make him upset.. But why do I keep doing that?.. He annoys me with his jokes and sometimes it really makes me mad.. But it passes.. I hate it, when he has to leave after I didn't do anything to work things out and then we have to figure out the problem thru texts, which annoys us both.... I'm such a mess... I try to be good, but maybe it's just in my nature to mess things up?. No. I have to be better than this.. I really miss Him.. Even more after our fights... I shouldn't have done what I did... It was our last night... Who knows when we'll get another chance to be just the two of us... I blew it big time... And now I'm just waiting for him to text me, because I don't want to bother him... I'm driving myself crazy... Like that's a surprise... I gotta stop pissing people off with my meltdowns... Especially Him...