You know what. I was wrong. And I've never been more happy to be soooo wrong about myself... I know it hasn't been long enough, but I can't believe that this is really happening... I mean, I only dreamt about it in my dreams... I only had a microscopic hope for those dreams to come true and guess that was enough... It happened.. I finally got what I wanted.... It just happened.... Just like that.... Sure the road to it wasn't as easy as others, but I'm glad, cause now I know that if you really want something - you can work thru the knots.... I'm starting to get over myself... My fears, lack of self-confidence.... Of course I'm not doing it on my own, I get some help, even if the person doesn't help me on purpose... What can I say - I'm happy.. For the first time in the past years - I'm really happy to be alive... But there is just one thing I still can't figure out - Why I can so easily believe in something that is completely imaginary, like all events happen in my mind, but I just simply cannot believe in the reality around me... Maybe reality takes more time or maybe it's just me - hell knows.... I'm just trying to say - it's not easy to believe in something when it's finally happening for real and not in your mind for the first time in your life.... Things just started happening fast from the beginning... One minute I'm just having fun, fooling around and thinking : "what the hell, it's not like I'm gonna see these people any time soon, so I might just have some "extra fun" ", when the next - I have His arms around me, holding me... Talk about the irony of life or luck... I don't know which is it anymore....... I just know that stuff I dreamed about is happening and I'm feeling happy than ever. I deserve to smile and I am, I'm smiling now. .... But there's still one thing......... One word, four letters, one meaning... I'm still terrified of It.. I mean, I want That, but I.... I don't know if It can happen so fast.... I'm getting use to other things, but It......... I'm just so furious with myself that I can't make up my mind..... I know I'm pissing off my Best Friend with this Undecided Bullsh*t, but you know - when you face the situation for the first time in your life - you forget every scenario you ever thought of.... BOOM - blank... Zero. Nada. Nothing. Just complete emptiness..... I usually get scared... This time wasn't any different... Don't know which part of my mind needs to fixed, but somethings wrong with me that's a fact..... Nothing more just "I'm sorry" came to mind.... Not because I was sorry for the other, unpleasent situation, well I was, but more than that - I was more sorry for not being able to find the right answer........ At that moment I failed............. Now I hope for another miracle which would bring some sence to my mind..........