Two weeks ago, on Saturday night I went to a Club. I had fun. Something was strange, maybe a bit irrational, stupid, but fun. I'd really like to go to a Club on Christmas. I think it would be quite interesting, something new... Why? I'll tell you.

Every year it's the same. Every Christmas Eve my "family" (I'm included) dines next to a holiday table. If everything is "fine", we (my mom, me + the dog) last for more than half the evening. If just "something" is wrong, then we bear it for less than half the evening. If something already is wrong, we can stay for a quarter of the evening. It can also be something wrong before we even get there. I personally would just stay away. But no. We still go there, because "It's a Family Fest". And it makes me sick. WHAT FUCKING FAMILY!!!!!! WE DON'T HAVE A FAMILY!!!! So, HOW CAN WE CELEBRATE A FAMILY FEST??!!!! We can't. You know, it just came to me - we never celebrated it. We just pretend to do it. You can't celebrate a family holiday without a family. You can only pretend, you do it. And you know what - I'm not going to do the same shit this year. I can handle Christmas, but Not Christmas Eve.

Last night my mom said something so strange, so paintful, and yet - so truthful. I believe it was something like this: "In fact, come to think of it, what kind of person human becomes, depends on his family, because he sees how people act with each other most of the time, and all that passes on to that person". I had only one thought - "O M G"...

When I got to bed I almost started crying, I started asking myself am I insane? Am I that cold? Am I that .... Just that not normal..?...

Guess I am. Why? - Because My WHOLE eFin family is NOT NORMAL !


I'm such a weakling... I see a guy with a sportish figure, black hair, and if the voice is ...... + if he can fight (now I'm basicly talking about actors.... like I said - I'm such a weakling) - melting. Simply melting... I lost the count of how many times I've already said this, but I'm still going to say this again - as much as I hate admiting that I want a boyfriend, I still want him..... Or a friend who is a guy at least...... I don't know, someone I could talk to with out hearing charges or how stupid something I've done is or what's the problem...... Think I only need a shoulder to cry on... So simple. So little. And yet I don't can't never will have this luxury...

Is it possible that I saw an UFO ?
Yes.
Believable?
Hardly.

It was like a star or a plane, only it was glowing in red and green and it wasn't moving.

All I want for Christmas is a Talker.
Thank you!
xoxo T.